Page 96 of Smoky Mountain Dreams
“Yes.”
“Happiness, hope, joy—these are all fruits of Christ’s workin a person’s life. Despair, anger, and sadness are the harvest of the devil.”
Jesse gritted his teeth, determined to wait her out to seewhere she was going with all of this.
“And that makes sense to me. More sense than Pastor’sposition. You’ve been in sadness, despair, and anger for a long time, Jesse. Ifthis man brings you joy, hope, and happiness, if he gives you the fruits ofChrist—well, who am I to judge? I’m a sinner too. We all are.”
“Yeah? What’s your sin?”
“I’m a human being, so I’ve got plenty of them. Where shouldI start?”
“How about with being selfish? As in selfishly keeping yoursister’s body alive on machines and tubes for five years.”
“That cuts both ways. Maybe you’re selfish to want to disconnecther. Maybe that’s just for your own peace of mine. If whatyousay is true—that she doesn’t have a mind or any consciousness—then it certainlywouldn’t be for hers.”
“Bitch.” It was all he could come up with. He hadn’t come inprepared for a run-in with Ronnie, and certainly not with a Ronnie who wastrying to pacify him.
Ronnie sighed. “I’m just asking you to examine yourmotivations.”
“We have our mediation meetings for that.”
She shook her head, red hair glinting in the cool lightthrough the windows. She threaded her fingers through Marcy’s. “I’ve spent alot of time on my knees praying over you, Jesse, trying to understand why you’reso angry with me. Why you mischaracterize my intentions and beliefs, butmostly, why you fight so fiercely on what you see as her behalf. I’ve prayedfor God to reveal to me the truth, and even asked him to change my heart if itwas possible that you’re right.”
“And what did your prayers yield you, exactly?”
“As far as changing my directives about my sister’s care, Istill strongly, down deep in my heart and soul, believe that God will call herhome in his own way when he’s ready for her. I won’t have to do a single thingto help Him if he wants her in his arms.”
Jesse shook his head. “He would have ‘called her home’ thenight of the accident if it wasn’t for medical intervention.”
Ronnie ignored him, her gaze thoughtfully focused on Marcy’sface, a gentleness and love sliding over her features as she caressed Marcy’shair. “But I did feel another thing stirring in my soul when I prayed aboutyou, Jesse. I heard a sad thing in my heart—”
“Hearts don’t have ears.” He knew he was being petulant, butcouldn’t stop himself.
“When you’re listening for God, your heart has the biggestears of all. What my heart heard was that you desperately want todenythe truth.”
“You’re denying the truth, Ronnie, keeping her alive inhopes of a miracle.”
“Miracles happen every day.”
“Not this kind of miracle. It’s impossible. Every doctor hasconfirmed it. Every single specialist.”
“God’s limitless in his power. He’s not incapable of doingthis. But…I’ll concede itisan unlikely miracle.”She smiled sadly, keeping her eyes on her sister.
“I’m not denying any truth. What? You think I’m denying yourGod or something?”
“I can’t say where you stand with God. And actually, that’snot what I meant at all. I meant that you’re denying thatyoucan’t fix this. This is bigger than you’re capable of handling. And bythis, I mean Marcy now, and Marcy back then, and your marriage, and all theways you feel like you failed her.”
His heart clenched and his breath caught.
“When Mom told me about your new boyfriend, the answers myheart heard resonated even more. I realized that you want to fix it for Marcy—allof it. Now. The past. And you believe if you can getme to let her go then you’ll have fixed all of that. You’ll be free of theguilt you have for how much you hurt her, because you did hurt her, didn’t youJesse?”
She looked up, and her eyes were full of so much empathy andlove that it made Jesse’s stomach lurch into his throat. Part of him wanted tothrow himself on the floor and admit it. Yeah, he’d fucking hurt her and he’ddoanything—fightanyone—foras long as it took to make it up to her.
Another part of him wanted to smack Ronnie into the next roomfor daring to analyze him, and that’s the part that spat, “You’re fuckinginsane.”
Ronnie’s expression flashed wounded and then sank back toits peaceful, calm, loving status quo that grated over Jesse’s entire beinguntil he just couldn’t stand it. How could she be sosure?And how dare she beright?
“So, you’re not really doing it for Marcy, Jesse. You’redoing it foryou. To relieve your conscience; to bethe husband she wanted you to be one final time. But by doing that you’redenying the reality of how you hurt her before the accident, and the reality ofher current life in this bed, because you’re focused ondoinginstead of sitting back andbeing. So long as you’refighting me, you won’t be able to accept and deal with the true andexcruciating agony of what has happened to her and to you. And to your kids.”
