Page 12 of Raise Up, Heart
Maris looks at the floor and then back up at Cole. “When…when Dr. Black…died. I cleared out his desk and locker for you. Do you remember?”
Of course Cole remembers. He has the box in his closet at home. He’d been so grateful Maris had given the effects to him instead of Damen’s parents—who hadn’t even thought to ask for them. Cole sorts through the box now and again, though he shouldn’t. For the same reason that he’s supposedly here now. Just to remember. To feel close.
“Well, there was a piece of paper, and it had…a list?” Maris says it like it’s a question. “Like a grocery list. And I don’t know why, but I kept it?”
“You kept it?” Cole asks, and he feels like shaking her, because that paper should have been his. He should have been able to touch it, and kiss it, and damn it, she’s had it for two years? Why?
“Yes,” Maris says. “I, uh…I kept it because I felt so guilty? For not being able to help him on the day he died?”
Cole clenches his jaw, crosses his arms over his chest and hopes he doesn’t look as enraged as he feels. He’s hot and cold, and he feels violated that she’s kept this grocery list from him. He knows how ridiculous that is, how only three days ago, he would have told her that he was glad that Maris wanted to remember Damon and that nothing had been her fault. At the moment, though, he only feels like this list should have been his all along.
“It’s in my purse,” Maris says. “I keep it there to remind myself that people we care about can be gone just like that. And that sometimes, even when that person is hard on you? Or your feelings? You should remember that they…love people. And buy sandwich meat.”
Cole blinks because somewhere during that comment, his rage swings into tears, and he’s got to keep them back. “Damon was a fan of a meaty sandwich,” he says, biting at his lip.
“Do you want me to get it?” Maris asks.
Cole fights to keep his composure but nods, and he feels Hannah’s hand on his shoulder as Maris walks away, head down, her soft shoes silent on the floor.
“Cole,” Hannah says, softly. “Can I recommend that you to talk to someone?”
He’s had this conversation with her before. A year ago, when she’d run into him at the grocery store and he’d started to cry remembering Damon. Now, he shakes his head, and manages a smile. “Hannah, I’m okay. Really. I just don’t want to forget him.”
Hannah’s eyes are gentle as she says, “You’ll never forget him, Cole.”
“I know,” Cole says, finally mastering his emotions. “I really do know that, Hannah.”
“It’s been two years,” she says.
“I know,” Cole says again.
She clucks quietly and then sees Maris approaching. “All right, then,” she says. “Let me know if you change your mind. I keep notes on LGBT-friendly therapists. I’m happy to provide names to you.”
The grocery list is on the back of a receipt. Cole glances at the items purchased, and his eyes go wide to see the abbreviationsTROJAandASTROthat speak of plans that he and Damon had never been able to implement. He wonders if Maris ever noticed, but he doubts it. She seems innocent as she points out, “It’s just a few things he wrote down. I shouldn’t have kept it.”
Cole takes a moment to make her feel okay, to let her know he’s not angry anymore, and then he leaves with the note in his hand, afraid to look at the words until he’s alone.
CHAPTER 3
Ham
Salami
American
Swiss
Bologne
Trash bags
The words are clearly rushed, written by a fast hand, in a hurry, and Cole can imagine Damon sitting at his desk, jotting it down on the back of the receipt, and then heading out to see his young patients before meeting up with Alex at The Book and Bird for dinner.
Cole looks at the date on the receipt, printed in light purple above the purchases, and he swallows. Two days before. Just two days before he died, Damon bought what they would have needed to make love. Things that they never got to—
Cole shakes his head. He needs to focus. That’s pointless to think of now. He needs to not get caught up in regrets, because what’s important is whether or not the writing—
Except it isn’t possible. Cole saw Damon die. But he has to know if it’s the same, if somehow the writing on the note from the cabin is Damon’s.
