Page 38 of Raise Up, Heart
“What?” Emily slaps his arm again. “No! Of course not! It was Rosanna. And then I ran into your dad at the Kroger and he confirmed it. Oh, Cole. I’m so glad. Just so happy for you. Come on, sit down here and tell me everything.”
Cole’s palms are sweaty now. He can’t believe this. It’s like a joke, a bad dream. He glances toward the door, wishing for an escape. “Emily, I can’t. I mean, I have to go. I’m…meeting him.”
Emily’s eyes light up. “Right now? Oh, Cole.”
She’s like sugar and spice and everything nice right now, and Cole feels a creeping horror climbing up the back of his neck. She has no idea. She can never have any idea. He’s in love with her boyfriend’s killer. He allows Alex’s killer to fuck him, and love him, and he’s willing to do anything to keep him safe. She would never understand it if she knew. She would be terrified. Horrified. Sickened. Cole shivers with the weight of his knowledge.
Emily says, “At least tell me who it is? Rosanna and your dad said you’re being all secretive.” She grins up at him, and it’s so cute that Cole wants to respond in kind. “But we’re best pals, right? So, come on. Out with it. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to.”
It’s Damon, Cole thinks.It’s the best thing that’s ever happened. It’s a miracle. And he killed your very own Alex, Emily. It wasn’t on purpose, though. He didn’t mean to. He didn’t even know. Crazy thing, huh?Oh, God. He can’t say that. He can’t say anything. This is exactly why they have to leave, and the sooner the better.
“I…uh, it’s just a guy I knew in college?” Cole winces that he sounds so unsure. “I don’t know where we stand right now. You know how it is. I just want to keep it to myself.”
Emily looks a little hurt, and Cole wishes again that he were a better liar.
“Well, okay then,” Emily says. “Good luck. And…you’re doing the right thing.”
Cole swallows, and his chest feels tight. Doing the right thing. The right thing. Emily has no idea, and for that matter, neither does he. How is this possibly the right thing? And yet it is. He feels it in his bones, in his body. He feels it when he comes, and when he wakes up to Damon’s sleeping face. He feels it when he touches Damon and smells Damon’s skin.
“Thanks,” he says. “Hey…listen, um, I just want you to know…I love you. And, uh, Damon? He really loved you, too. And Alex. He’d never want to hurt either of you.”
“I know all of that,” Emily says, frowning. “The feeling was mutual. But listen, don’t think about Damon. He’d be so happy you’re moving on.”
Cole hugs her again, a lump in his throat. He kisses her cheek.
“What’s that for?” she asks, laughing.
“For Damon,” Cole says. “He’d want to if he could.”
Emily’s face falters again, her joy for him flashing to worry; Cole knows that she’s realized now that he hasn’t moved on any more than when she last saw him after all. “Cole?”
“Just feeling sentimental,” Cole says. “Don’t worry about me.”
She smiles, but it’s not as sparkling, and she waves him off. “Okay, then. You go on. Meet up with your hot new paramour. I can wait for details.”
Cole waves and has to resist looking back. The thing is, if what Grandpa has set up comes through, Cole probably won’t be seeing her again. He won’t have time.
“So, you thinkyou can trust the man who used you as a drug mule,” Damon says, gobbling down the dinner Cole brought like he hadn’t had food in days. “I don’t think I can.”
“Didn’t your mother ever tell you it’s rude to talk with your mouth full?” Cole asks.
“No. She was too busy trying to figure out how to de-gay-ify me to pay much attention to my chewing habits.”
“Oh,” Cole says, and it feels like a heavy thud. He knows about Damon’s rough childhood. They’d bonded over it originally: his trauma at the hands of his grandfather, Damon’s at the hands of his religious mom. “I met her. Your mother. After your death. At the funeral.”
Damon shrugs. “Does it matter now?”
“Oh my God, Damon,” Cole says, and he wants to crawl over and get into Damon’s skin, to love him hard in every way, so that Damon will know that he always deserved more love than his parents gave him. He deserves it even now after all that’s happened to Alex. “Of course it matters.”
“Who she was to me, what she did? It was quite literally another lifetime,” Damon says.
“I know—but you were just a kid.”
“Lots of crap happens to kids. Neuro-trauma from shaking injuries, brain tumors, divorcing parents…being used by a drug-trafficking grandfather as a mule in a cross-border deal. Life’s unpredictable. May as well get used to it when you’re young. You did.”
“And look how great I turned out,” Cole says. “A depressed mess with an undead boyfriend, and, oh, hey, I’ve just engaged the help of said drug-trafficking grandfather who used me as a mule before getting busted and put in prison. I’m a prize.”
“Don’t forget that your undead boyfriend is a murderer. I think that adds a certain…je ne sais quoi.”
