Page 120 of Vespertine
Jasper chewed the inside of his cheek. His eyes found apainting of Christ nailed to the cross. Even in his excruciating pain, he gazedlovingly upon Mother Mary. Jasper shook his head, and this time he did hearThomas’s soft inhale. “I can’t regret it, Thomas. I’ve struggled with it, butnot in the way I should have. It hurts me that I’ve broken my vow. It hurts methat I did it so easily. But I can’t renounce my love for Nicky.”
“Not at all?”
“No.”
“Not even if it meant being defrocked?”
Jasper winced and closed his eyes. He hadn’t expected Thomasto be so blunt about it, but there was no doubt in his mind. His voice didn’twaver when he whispered, “No.”
There was a long silence, and eventually he opened his eyesagain to look at Thomas, who was remarkably smiling softly.
“And somewhere a rooster crowed,” Thomas murmured. “Thedecision is yours, Jasper. You know you won’t be able to keep Blue Oasis aspart of the Church. You know you will never be able to love a person the wayyou wish to love your friend while you are part of the Church. All you can dois think if it’s worth giving up what you have. Ask yourself, what do you likethe most about being a priest?”
“I like reading Mass,” Jasper said.
“Why?”
“I like spreading God’s word, but that’s not all of it. Ilike having the parishioners’ attention. I like when they listen to me.” Hecovered his face and laughed. “Vanity. I’ll never be free of it, will I?”
“Like I said, everyone has their faults, Jasper. But what isit you love about your job? What makes it all feel worthwhile?”
“Blue Oasis. No question. Those kids need me.”
Thomas gave him a quirky smile. “You mean they need theshelter. And right now you’re the shelter’s only hope. God calls to everyone,and some hear him loud and clear—like you. But that doesn’t mean we’vedeciphered his whole message in one go. He keeps calling us, and sometimes hemight guide us down an unexpected path.” Thomas rubbed his palms over hisknees. “I’m too old to be sitting on these benches.” He rose to his feet andclapped Jasper on the shoulder. “God works—”
“Don’t say it.”
“In mysterious ways.” Thomas grinned and his eyes twinkled. “Maybethis was His plan all along.” He sobered a little. “You have a lot of thinkingto do, Jasper. And you may need to do it fast. But don’t be hasty, and knowthat whatever you decide, I will always respect you and support you. In me, youhave a friend for life.”
Jasper lifted his face and smiled. “Thank you. That means alot.” Thomas nodded and without another word, he was off.
The sunset from the back of Ramona’s beachside cottagein Malibu was mind-blowing. Nicky tried and failed to take photos that couldcapture the complexity of the layers of color and light. He sent one to hisparents anyway with a message saying:Maybe before long I’llget my own place on the water and you could come visit. See the sunsets foryourselves.
He’d wanted to send the same message to Jazz, but didn’twant it to seem like he was trying to tempt or lure him away from carefullyconsidering what he really wanted. Instead, he sent a shot of the sunset withthe words:Cool, huh? Ramona’s backyard.
“Pretty boy, get your tiny ass over here and help me figureout what these knobs on this gas grill mean. I can barely deal with the ones onthe stove. I mean, Jesus, do I look like a cook to you?”
Nicky snorted and headed over to help Ramona with the steaksthey’d picked up at the all-organic supermarket on the way home from theairport. As they sat down to a dinner of meat and salad on her very beachy,sand-strewn back patio, they didn’t talk too much, listening to the waves asthe tide went out. There was a gentle white noise in the rhythm that allowedNicky’s brain to switch off, and he dwelled in a quiet place in his mind, wheresong lyrics and music swept by like clouds in the sky.
Finally, Ramona toyed with her bottle of Mexican Coke, andsaid, “Let’s get this part over with. You can stay here as long as you want, solong as you’re clean.”
“Thanks. Being here will help with that.”
“Cool. Also, don’t put your shoes on my coffee table. Idumped my last lover for that shit.”
“Fair enough. I’m not a big shoes-on-coffee-table perpanyway.”
She grinned. “Because you had a mama that raised you right.Speaking of, how’s your mother? I know you were worried about how she’d takeyou coming back here.”
Nicky sighed, recalling the scene at the airport. “She wasbrave about it. It was my dad who cried actually.” His phone dinged and helooked at the message. “Her ears must have been burning.”
“What’s she say?”
“Here.” He handed her the phone.
Your dad and I would love to come visit,but it won’t be for the sunsets. We love and miss you very much, sweet baby.
Ramona lifted her brow at him as she passed the phone backhis way. “Aww. She loves you a lot. You better stay sober for her, dude.”
