Page 33 of Vespertine
“Eventually, I decided I had to make peace with theseconflicting feelings or I was going to lose my mind. I did my research. I readthe Bible over and over, especially the passages that mention homosexuality.And you know what I found?”
“Whatever you wanted to find that made it easy for you walkaway from me.”
“No.” Jasper tilted his face toward the sun. “No, you stilldon’t get it. I was looking for any possible way to get out of being a priest.I didn’twantthis, Nicky. I wanted you.”
“Well, you could’ve fuckinghadme,” Nicky spit out. “So don’t tell me this shit. Don’t tell me you wanted meover God because that’sbullshit. You could havemotherfucking had me.”
“Nicky—” Jazz reached out but didn’t touch, his hand fallingto the grass between them. “It could never be a competition. Do you understand?God is…God.”
“What the fuck does that mean? God always wins?”
“‘Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.’ But it’snot about winning.”
Nicky rubbed at his eyes, his head blazing with a suddenheadache.
“But what I discovered, Nicky, is that what God wants aboveall else, is for us to love each other. Any rule may be broken if it comes froman act of love. If you act out of love for others,selflesslove, you can do no wrong. The Bible doesn’t condemn me. It doesn’t condemn youeither.”
“Well, fuck. I wish to hell it did.”
“You don’t mean that.” Jasper gave him the disapproving lookagain.
“Sure I do. I don’t believe in hell or God, Jazz. If theBible had condemned you, then you’d have picked me, right?”
“Nicky, you can’t look at it—”
His banked anger flared again. “I can! Do you see what you’resaying? All of this, everything, both of our lives would have been completelyfucking different if you didn’t fuckingbelieve.”
“We were children—”
“I know. Children driven by hormones.” Nicky threw up hishands.
Jasper was silent for a few seconds, and then he saidquietly, “You blame me for your addictions. I understand. Sometimes I’ve blamedmy…well, I understand your anger toward me. But blaming God, blaming religionisn’t—”
“No, it’s not like that. I’m not blaming God. God doesn’texist. I’m calling you an asshole.”
Jasper ducked his head with a wry little smile, and it madeNicky ache. Why wasn’t he hiding behind his precious Bible and flinging quotesat Nicky about how what they used to do was all so wrong? It would make it somuch easier to believe that he’d changed. Maybe, if he did, Nicky could evenfind a way to hate him.
Jasper touched his arm gently. The sensation was like ashock to Nicky’s heart. “I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”
Nicky pulled his arm away. “Yeah. You said that years ago. Idon’t need to hear it again.”
“But it’s true.” Jasper rose to his feet. “I really shouldgo.”
“Yeah, I guess you should.” Nicky didn’t look up at him. Hekept his eyes focused on the bobbing up and down of his father’s boat.
“One last thing before I go. If you ever need help withanything, please come to me, because I do want to help you, Nicky, in any way Ican. If you’ll let me.”
Jasper left and Nicky refused to watch him go.
On Tuesday, Jasper walked through morning Mass like aghost. Attendance for the service was typical: ten to fifteen elderly, devoutCatholics, all of whom he knew by name and voice. Most of them would stay forconfession, and it would be, as usual, another dull litany of impure thoughtsand overindulgence in liquor. Perhaps there might be a scintillating tale ofshoplifting, but he wasn’t actually supposed to find those confessions amusingso much as disappointing.
Jasper always tried to give his all to every service. It wasan honor to serve God and deliver the message to His flock, one that Jaspertried to respect despite the familiarity of the ritual he could practicallyperform in his sleep. But despite his best effort to focus, he couldn’t helpbeing distracted.
Nicky had crossed lines the day before, which Jasper should’veexpected. The pointed questions had awakened inner arguments and feelings he’dconsidered long buried. In the end he’d given up on sleep at three in themorning and turned to yoga in an attempt to relax.
Part of him dreaded the dinner at the Blumfelds’ that night.Whenever he crossed paths with Nicky, he seemed to make the situation worsedespite his best intentions. But another part of him looked forward to seeingNicky again. He’d missed him more than he’d realized, and the eternal optimistin him couldn’t help but hope they might find a way to be friends. Though, todo that, he needed to stop thinking about their brief and beautiful time aslovers; he needed to stop questioning everything about that one cataclysmicsummer. If his parents hadn’t found the three of them smoking pot in thebackyard, what would’ve happened?
If he were to believe Nicky, everything would’ve beendifferent. But if Jasper’s mother was right, their paths would’ve remained muchthe same.
