Page 37 of Vespertine
“Sure. Of course. Why wouldn’t I? She was the best dog, man.”
“She was. And you loved her even though she wasn’t yours.”Jasper wasn’t sure where he was going with this, he just knew that it had to gosomewhere, that God was in the confessional with them guiding his words and Hehad led Jasper’s mind to Honey. “Do you remember what I told you about her?”
“You mean that time you said if I got a dog then Honey wouldbe best friends with it, the way I was best friends with you?”
“After that.”
“I told you my dad was allergic and—”
“And I said that Honey could be your dog too. And she was.She was your dog as much as mine.”
Nicky was quiet for a minute, no doubt remembering how they’dheld each other after Honey’s death—how they’d pressed their tear-damp cheekstogether, and Jasper had dared a kiss to Nicky’s eyelashes. Just once. It wasthe last time he’d kissed Nicky until the day in the rainstorm, running throughthe forest, when he’d been so happy and free that he just couldn’t stophimself.
“She was a great dog,” Nicky murmured.
“Well, you don’t believe in God, but I do. And my God can beyour God. I’ll share Him with you. You don’t have to do anything at all to havepart of Him. He’s an amazing God, Nicky, and he will help you.”I’ll help you. “I believe in Him so you don’t have to. You’rebrave and you’re talented. And it’s okay to be scared. Because God has you inhis hand. He’ll keep you safe from even your worst impulses and your worstenemies.”And I’ll keep you safe too. Jasper closedhis eyes. He was in no place to make those promises. Not even to himself.
Behind the partition, Nicky sniggered. “I’m imagining God asa giant Honey now, Jazz. The God in my mind is a female Rhodesian Ridgeback andshe’s about to lick my face.”
Jasper reluctantly laughed, his throat tight as desperationstill beat against his chest. “That’s as good an image as any. Because Godloves you like Honey did—completely, unreservedly, unconditionally.”
“You’re really into God, Jazz. You know that, right?”
Jasper couldn’t help laughing louder. The sound echoed backin the confessional. “After everything, even knowing where we are right now,you can’t really think of me as a priest, can you?”
“I shouldn’t think of priests the way I think of you.”
Jasper swallowed hard. His heart leapt and he pressed hisfist against it, willing it to be solid and certain, to reflect only Christ’slove. “Nicky, if you don’t want to go back to L.A., you’ll find a way to dealwith it. You’ll find a way to play your music. It’s part of you.”
Nicky flattened his hand against the grid, and slowly, as ifit belonged to someone else, Jasper’s hand lifted too. “I believe in you,”Jasper whispered. They didn’t touch and still it felt like their palms werepressed together. “I think you can do anything you want.”
“You do?”
“Yes. And Nicky?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re not alone.”
Chapter Seven
“THISIS RIDICULOUS.” JASPER STAREDat himself in the full-length mirrorattached to his wardrobe. His black shirt was neatly pressed as always, theblack slacks fresh and clean with the straight crease down the middle. Hefisted his hair. “I can’t wear this.”
He opened the wardrobe and reached inside. While he stillwore jeans and other casual clothes during his time off, he didn’t really own alot of smart clothes that said ‘casual dinner with friends’ rather than ‘FatherJasper is visiting.’ A few years ago, he’d bought a pair of designer jeans morebecause he was in a hurry than for the tag. He’d only worn them once because itturned out they were pretty tight. But he’d lost some weight recently since hisrunning had picked up in the summer, so maybe…
Jasper took off the slacks and pulled on the jeans. Theyclung to his behind like a peel to an apple and he groaned inwardly. With quickjerks he yanked the shirt free, smoothed it over his hips so it hung loose, andsighed. It would have to do. Lastly, he undid the top button of the shirt andwent in search of his keys as he combed his fingers through his hair.
A couple of persistent waves kept springing back over hisforehead but he didn’t have time to go back to the bathroom and tame them. Whenhe was about to step out of the door he paused, his hand resting against theframe. Had he been trying to look good for Nicky? He closed his eyes.
Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desirenothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of myheart and my portion forever.
Jasper briefly contemplated rushing back upstairs to changeback into his slacks but he really was running late, so he walked through thedoor and locked it behind him. He considered taking his Prius, but the bikewould still be quicker—though maybe a little uncomfortable in his tightjeans—if he took all the short cuts. So he swung his leg over the bike andaimed for the Blumfeld house. When they’d been kids all he’d had to do wasfollow the path through the dense trees from his yard to Nicky’s—a path thathad formed from their footsteps alone. Jasper wondered if it was still there,or if the years had eroded it as well.
He pedaled up a gentle rise. “I’m going there to talk aboutthe future of Blue Oasis,” he said to himself. “Nothing more.” Was it his damnpride again? Did hewantNicky to turn to him forhelp? He should be guiding him to seek professional help. The idea of beingNicky’s sun and moon again was so tempting, it had to be sinful.
Why does his presence unsettle me so, OLord? What is Your purpose? Why have You merged our paths again?
But Nicky never did connect easily to strangers. Maybe hecouldn’t find the help he needed from a therapist because he wasn’t capable oftrusting anyone enough to build a meaningful relationship.
