Page 84 of Vespertine
Jasper opened his eyes and nodded.
“You sure? You don’t look so good.”
“Still trouble sleeping.” Jasper wrapped the cincture aroundhis waist and finished the rest of the ritual. It usually felt soothing to gothrough the motions, but this time it made him antsy.
“You know, maybe you should go see someone.” Andrew waitedwith his hand on the doorknob. His white bushy eyebrows were drawn down inconcern.
“Hmm? Like who?”
“A doctor. For your sleeplessness? Get some sleeping pills,even if it’s only temporarily.”
Jasper shook his head.
“I don’t want to mess with those. There’s a lot on my mindlately. I’ll be fine once things settle down.”
“If you’re sure.” Andrew didn’t look convinced, but he letJasper pass him by and walk toward the altar.
The church was fuller than usual on this Fourth of July.Maybe Little Heights felt particularly pious on this gorgeous summer day, butJasper suspected it had more to do with his recent exposure to a bit of famethan anything else. Or perhaps it was the free picnic he was hosting in theschoolyard and cafeteria afterwards.
He murmured his usual greeting to the parish and closed hiseyes. “Life doesn’t always turn out the way we expect,” he began. He had noidea where the words came from, but when he opened his eyes they fellunerringly on Nicky. That blue gaze could guide him home like a beacon if heever got lost. Jasper didn’t look away from him. “In fact, life rarely turnsout how we expect, or even want. When young people get married and havechildren and look toward their future, they don’t think in ten years they mightbe looking back on their marriage with a divorce attorney by their sides.
“Sometimes illness gets in the way of our dreams. And othertimes we can’t make our deepest wishes come true, and we settle for a moreordinary, simple life.”
He touched the smooth surface of the lectern to let hiswords settle for a second, but when he looked up, it was yet again Nicky whodrew his gaze.
“A lot rests on the shoulders of children. They have tobuild their futures from the ground up and decide who and what they want toturn into, all while they’re still learning tobe.And sometimes children have no support at home and rely on the kindness of othersto make it, while others have loving families and still can’t find their feet.
“Life is hard. It descends on you whether you’re ready ornot. This is when we can turn to God—” He faltered when Nicky frowned a little,but pushed on regardless. “In our hardest times He is our guide, our savior. Hewill listen when we need Him. But what God wants most of all is for us to loveeach other. To be there for each other, regardless of gender, skin color, oreven sexuality.”
He’d never talked about this in his sermons, but maybe itwas time.
“We all know what everyone thinks the bible says abouthomosexuality. The quotes that are generally brought up have been used andabused by all those who think they must make a point against God’s love.Against the truth.
“I’m only human. I make mistakes. Big ones, small ones,daily ones—just like everyone else. I don’t pretend to know Him better than anyof you do. But here’s what I do know: God’s truth is about His love, and thelove we should feel for one another. We can’t have it both ways. We can’t hatea fraction of His people and still pretend we stand for God’s will. Theultimate truth is that we should care for one another wholeheartedly, eventhose who we think are difficult to love.” Jasper’s fingers trembled a little. “It’snever too late to turn a corner. It’s never too late to right a wrong. God isthere for those who see the error of their ways.
“So no, we don’t always walk the path of life we set out to follow,but as long as we open our hearts to the people we find along the way, withoutjudgment, without condemnation, God will always wait for us at the end of theroad.”
Nicky smiled at him and then looked up to the stained glasswindow behind the nave. The light danced on his features. He looked almostangelic, the way he had when they were young. Jasper’s nerves quieted. God hadbrought him home for a reason. This was the road God wanted him to travel andHe would be there at the end of it.
His adrenaline rush crashed as soon as Mass was over, andJasper groaned inwardly when he saw the row of people waiting in their pews.Andrew threw him a worried glance, but Jasper discreetly waved him off and madehis way to the confessional.
He tried to be attentive and understanding, offering adviceand prayer for the people who came and went, but when the same accountant withthe office on Main Street came to confess his extramarital indiscretions withhis bossagain, Jasper felt like screaming.
After telling him rather tersely to reconsider the choicesin his life, because while God might forgive the repentant, it wasn’t a freepass to keep sinning, Jasper rested his head in his hands for a moment. No oneelse stepped into the confessional and he sighed in relief, taking a moment tosit and consider his own sins.
I rushed through Mass,he thought.Apart from the message Iimparted at the beginning, I didn’t give You my full attention, O Lord. I amafraid of the path You have laid ahead of me. Please give me guidance. Help mefind the solution for Blue Oasis. I don’t want to abandon the children thatneed You most. Help me find the right way to love Nicky. Just…help me.
“Okay, so, like, this is a really important question,”Jason said, leaning over the cafeteria table to steal the cherry from the topof Lizzie’s Fourth of July sundae, a festive-looking thing made from stackedlayers of blueberries, vanilla ice cream and strawberries. “It’s like theultimate personality test.”
“Uh-huh.” Lizzie shook her head in amusement.
“Okay, so, listen, both of you, okay? If you had to choose,would you rather be a member of The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?”
Nicky shoveled some ice cream in his mouth to keep fromanswering first, letting Lizzie field the question.
“The Beatles, I guess,” she said, but then she frowned. “Idon’t know. They’re both too famous. I want to be, like, intermediately famous.”
“Halfway famous,” Jason said, nodding. “Beatles means you’rea snob, by the way.”
