Page 9 of Vespertine
He didn’t even know how to feel about that. He’d sat in theconfessional for a long while after Nicky’s departure, praying for God’s peace,knowing he needed it beneath his buzzing numbness. When he’d finally headed outto Blue Oasis, there’d been no sign of Nicky, and it occurred to him now thathe hadn’t even really laid eyes on him. Had he looked well? Was he actually offdrugs? Jasper wanted that to be true. Needed it to be.
Hoping to fill the place inside thatjust wanted your goddamn smile; your hand in mine.
Jasper remembered the absolute giddy feeling of holdingNicky’s hand for the first time as a teenager. The strong, firm grip of analmost-but-not-quite man’s hand warming his palm. Nicky had slipped hisslender, guitar-calloused fingers between Jasper’s and taken his time to kissevery single fingertip. The heat of it had shot straight to his groin, yes, butto his heart too. The rightness of those kisses had wounded him, because eventhen his calling had been hard to ignore.
Jasper would be lying if he didn’t admit he’d thought abouttheir reunion every once in a while. Especially a decade ago when Vespertinereally became famous. He’d been shocked to hear Nicky’s band’s name, and hadn’twanted to believe it was a message to him, but what else could it have been? He’dimagined in dramatic detail how they’d act toward one another if their pathscrossed again. In some of those old fantasies they’d fallen into each other’sarms, and he’d made different choices and God had guided him to a differentpath. In others, Nicky was patient and understanding, agreeing that theirfriendship was more important than a childhood romance, a puppy love that wouldnever have sustained. In yet others, Nicky had been much like he’d been today:angry, accusing, hurtful.
Jasper had still been so young then. And when Nicky becamefamous, and the songs he wrote for their band didn’t take much figuring out, it’ddawned on Jasper that any reunion definitely wouldn’t be a happy one. So he’dstopped thinking about it. They’d been guided to their proper paths and therewas no going back. He just hadn’t expected…this. He leaned forward and buriedhis head in his slightly trembling hands.
He thinks I never loved him. Oh, Nicky.
Jasper tried to take a deep, calming breath but his chestfelt tight. He glanced at the small crucifix above the door. His sufferingmeant nothing, but if he had wronged someone, no matter how long ago, he neededto face his actions.
He sat up again. That’s what mattered. And he shouldn’t losesight of that. He was here to help, to love unconditionally the people Godplaced on his path. He closed his eyes and remembered the young boy Nicky hadonce been: the most beautiful, wicked blue eyes that always twinkled above hiswide, devastating grin.
Grant me, O Lord, wisdom and courage tohelp Nicky find peace and strength to fight his demons. And steady me, O Lord,to do your work. Your peace is a river and Your righteousness is the waves ofthe sea, washing me clean of all anxiety and regret, leaving me a servant ofYour grace.
Finishing his prayer just as the computer zoomed to life,Jasper’s eyes snapped open. With decisive movements and no tremor in hisfingers he located Lucas’s number and reached for the phone.
“Hello?”
“Lucas? This is Father Hendricks. How are you?”
“Father? I…uh, I’m fine, thank you. I’m surprised to hearfrom you.” A silence fell and Jasper didn’t immediately feel compelled to fillit. “Is it because I wasn’t in church this morning? Because you know I’m not… Imean, for a while I enjoyed coming to church, but lately I don’t feel—”
Jasper grinned and interrupted. “No, that’s not why I’mcalling. You know you’re always welcome, but I was wondering if you’ll beteaching your soccer class this afternoon.”
“Yes, at two. Why?”
“There’s a young lady at the Bay Heights Hotel who could usea little distraction today. She’s there all by herself until I can meet withher and the social worker tomorrow.”
“Oh, sure! Yes, I can always use a hand to keep control overthe little sh—”
“Lucas…”
“Cherubs! I was going to say cherubs.”
Jasper snorted. “Right. So you’ll pick her up?”
“Absolutely.”
“Great.” A little of the stress slipped off his shoulders.Lucas had always been special to Jasper. He’d been one of the first ones Jasperhad pulled off the street ten years ago. Hooked on heroin and a different kindof hooking all together, he’d been the most challenging—and the most rewarding.To see him so successful and accepted in the community touched Jasper with ahint of pride that was surely something he could add to his own list ofconfessions.
“How’s work, Lucas? I hope Mr. Blumfeld keeps you busy.”
“Busy enough to keep me off drugs, if that’s what you mean.”
Jasper lowered his voice and added the hint of warning thathad always worked on Lucas. “That’s not what I meant and you know it. Do youlike the job?”
“I love it,” Lucas said softly. “You see some interestingsh—stuff, as a paralegal. If it weren’t for you—”
“We’ve been over that. You should be grateful to yourself.And to God, of course, if you want. “
“Yeah, yeah,” Lucas said, but he laughed. “I’m actuallylooking some things up for a case meeting tomorrow morning, so if you don’tneed anything else?”
“No, of course. I’ll let you go. Thanks again, Lucas.”
“For you? Anything, anytime, Father.”
