Page 96 of Vespertine
“I wasn’t the same afterward, Nicky. It broke my heart.”
Nicky remembered what Jasper had confessed the other nightand it burned in him like a red star, pain and anger in the core of his heart. “Howcould you believe your mother after everything we’d done together—everything we’dbeen to each other? I’ll never fucking understand that, Jazz.”
“It wasn’t just what my mother said.” Jasper whisperedsoftly. “I thought I had proof that you didn’t feel the same way that I feltabout you.”
“What proof?”
Jasper’s throat clicked and then he sighed. “I neverimagined that when we finally had this conversation we’d be wearing nothing butour underwear.”
“We can take them off again if it helps,” Nicky snapped, hisskin feeling too tight over his entire body.
“I think I’ll probably be able to explain better if we’renot completely naked.”
“Why? All this skin against skin doesn’t seem a problem foryou.”
“Are you always this angry after sex now?”
“Would it make you feel better if I said yes?”
“No,” Jasper whispered. “It wouldn’t.” He rubbed Nicky’sarms again. “Earlier when you said that you came out here to wait for me thatsummer we were apart, you said you expected that I’d come one night too. And Idid. I came out here looking for you and I found you, Nicky.”
“What? What the fuck are you talking about?” Nicky turned toface Jasper, moving from between his legs so he could see him better. “I washere so many nights and I never saw you. You never came.”
“I did! I came out one night and you were here with Jimmy.”
Nicky shook his head. “Yeah? So? I was lonely.”
Jasper cleared his throat. “He asked if he could blow you.”
Nicky scoffed. “He asked me that all the time.”
“You didn’t say no.”
“I sure as hell didn’t say yes! Did you even stick around tosee what happened?” Nicky was up again, walking because he had to move. Hismuscles burned, and his throat was tight. His hands needed something—a guitar,a piano, a fucking needle—or he was going to end up pulling his hair out. Heturned to Jazz and pointed a finger at him where he sat. “Are you fuckingtelling me right now that you left me because you heard Jimmy Orlean offer toblow me and you never asked me about it? And you decided that meant I didn’tfucking love you? And you heard my goddamn albums over the years, Jasper! Youknew what those lyrics meant and who they were for and you still thought yourmother was right and that I’d let Jimmy Or-fucking-lean put his mouth on mydick? Instead of you?”
Jasper swallowed and nodded, the setting sunlight glintingoff his lashes, hair, and brows. He still looked like a halo was smeared allover him. It wasn’t fair. He was a smug, self-righteous, asshole who’d madechoices based on bullshit and ruined their fucking lives for it.
Nicky had to get off the island. He started toward the waterand Jasper grabbed his arm. “Where are you going?”
“Home.”
“You barely made it over.”
“I’m fucking pissed enough now that I’m sure I’ll get thereon pure rage alone.”
“Nicky, I’m sorry. I was wrong. I should have talked to youand told you what was happening with me. I was convinced that I knew what Ineeded to do. I thought what I saw and heard was a confirmation that I wassupposed to follow the calling. And Nicky, this life hasn’t been all bad forme.”
“Well, it’s been all bad for me.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it? I’m a goddamn junkie and a whore and I’m not evena fucking decent musician anymore. What good has come out of my life after thatchoice you made on both our behalves, Jazz?” He got closer, up in Jasper’sface. “Tell me, because I want to fucking know.”
“You made some fantastic albums and you traveled the worldmultiple times over.”
Nicky snorted and shook his head. “I’d give that all up. I’dgive every last bit of it up for you, but you never felt the same. So who isn’table to love, Jasper? Maybe your mom had the wrong boy.”
Jasper reached out and grabbed Nicky by the back of theneck. “Maybe she did, but she was always wrong about me. And she couldn’t havebeen more wrong about you. Or our love.”
