Page 106 of Vespertine
“You’re addicted to it. If you come off it, you go intowithdrawals. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t prefer to be clean.”
“Ah. That’s the word.” Nicky snorted. “Do you think someonewith diabetes should get clean of their insulin pump? Or that a personsuffering from schizophrenia should get clean of their antipsychotics? Or anyother sick person with a chronic disease and a chemical that alleviates it?Tons of medications and treatments have fucking unpleasant side effects, youknow. Some even have withdrawal symptoms associated with coming off them. Butpeople take them anyway because it keeps them alive.”
Jasper gazed at him, thinking it through. “Okay…yeah. Thatmakes sense.”
“Some people think addiction is different. That all it takesis being strong enough to resist temptation, but they don’t take into accountthat our brains are fucking different, man. They aren’t the same as anon-addict. Whether the drugs did it or we came out of the womb this way—andyou know about my birth mother—I don’t know and I don’t care. In NA they talkabout a higher power and turning to it to keep from being tempted. They meansomething more like your God, but for me, the only higher power I believe in isthis drug. If anything’s going to save my life in the long run, it’ll be stayingon this.”
Jasper finished eating and wiped his mouth with a napkinbefore turning to Nicky. “Do doctors think it’s okay to stay on this medicationfor so long?”
“They don’t know. This one’s still a little experimental,but its relatives in the drug family are safe to stay on for decades. Assumingthis one doesn’t backfire and somehow cause me to go into spontaneous cardiacarrest or stroke out, I don’t think it will be any different.”
Jasper swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing nervously. “Iunderstand that this is a sensitive subject for you, and I’d never think lessof you for choosing to safeguard your sobriety in whatever way possible, soplease don’t think I’m questioning your judgement. I just want to understandbetter.”
“But—? I hear the ‘but’ coming, Jazz.”
“No ‘but,’ only concern. After seeing the way you were hurtingtonight, I can’t help but wish there was some way for you to not need themaintenance medication at all. Are you sure you couldn’t be sober without it?”
“Is it worth me maybe dying to find out?”
“No, never.”
“My thoughts exactly.” Nicky took another drink of his waterand watched Jasper twist on his chair.
“But, what if something went wrong in L.A., or while you’reout on the road touring? If your patch came off out there without you noticing,who would help you? Who would make sure you didn’t shoot up like you werecraving earlier?”
Nicky rubbed his eyes and yawned again. He shook his headand shrugged. “Maybe Ramona. Maybe not. Maybe no one.”
Jasper’s eyes went wide, his cheeks flushing. “That’s not anacceptable answer. It’s too great a risk!”
“Are you going to come out on the road with me to babysit?”Nicky’s lips went up tightly at the edges. “Didn’t think so. Listen, I don’twant to go back to using. This drug is the best way I know to do that.”
“But having a support system is key. Everyone knows that,and you’ve told me that there’s no one out there you can lean on.”
Nicky sighed. “I guess that means I’ll have to lean onmyself. And there’s FaceTime and Skype, and my mom and dad have a phone. I’vegot a therapist that I could see in person instead of doing phone sessions.Ramona and I are getting closer. It’ll be okay.”
Jasper didn’t look entirely confident in that assessment.
“Besides, I’m not leaving yet. I’ll be stronger by the timeI get out there again.”
Jasper’s fingers moved against the counter, stroking it asif he could find a solution in Braille there.
“You can’t control everything, Jasper. Not even you.” Hesmiled and cut a flippant grin at him. “Besides, I think that’s the purview ofyour God.”
Jasper looked down. “I want what’s best for you, so you’llbe safe.”
“I like that you want me to be safe.” He wanted to askwhether he could count on Jasper’s friendship when he went back to L.A.,whether he might be on the other end of a FaceTime chat, or a phone call. Buthe didn’t want to burst the bubble of just-the-two-of-them with the pinprick offuture consequences yet.
Jasper stood to take their plates to rinse in the sink,ripping off a third of the leftover toast on Nicky’s plate and handing it tohim. “Just have a few more bites or you’ll wake up hungry in the night.”
Nicky watched Jasper bend over to put their plates in thedishwasher. “Oh, I’m sure I’ll wake up hungry.”
Jazz looked at him over his shoulder, clearly trying togauge if that had been innuendo or not. “We could bring a snack upstairs tokeep by the bed in case.”
Nicky cocked his head, ogling Jasper’s butt. “Your ass lookstasty enough for me. Grab the whipped cream from the fridge. I bet they’d gogood together.”
Jasper flushed and stood up, snapping the dishwasher shutand pushing buttons on the front to start it. Then he leaned back against thecounter and shook his head. “What am I going to do with you?”
Nicky dropped his lashes and gave a coy smile. “Well, you’veexercised me, bathed me, and fed me. I guess you should put me to bed.”
