Page 110 of Vespertine
“I’m glad you’re all right, Father. Don’t worry about it.”
That evening, the empty church smelled vaguely of incenseand polished wood. Jasper sat in a back pew, tucked away to the side where thelast of the dying sunlight didn’t reach him. It cast beautiful patterns throughthe ornate stained glass windows, turning the marble floor to a rippling sea oforanges and reds. On most days he loved the way the light played with thebeautiful interior of the church, but tonight he wanted to stay in the shadows.
He sat with his elbows on his knees, leaning forward. As he lookeddown he noticed his hands were still. When he turned his attention withinhimself he realized he felt steadier than he had in a long time.
Jasper closed his eyes. “Forgive me, Father,” he whispered, “forI have sinned.”
The guilt didn’t come.
“I have wronged you. I have broken my vow. I must seekpenance.”
But what good would atonement do, if he didn’t feelrepentant? How could he find absolution if he felt no remorse for what he’ddone?
Maybe you’ve done nothing wrong.
Jasper blinked his eyes open, but the church was empty. Hewasn’t vain enough to assume the voice he heard was the actual voice of God,especially since it seemed so ready to submit to his deepest, darkest desires.
But when he thought about Nicky’s mouth on his, and thebreath they’d shared, and the touch that had made him feel so loved—so alive—itdidn’t make him think of darkness. It made him think of light and freedom andeverything that he strove for others to find in life.
Before Nicky came back, life had been a series of motionsand habits that were good, but maybe not what he should’ve been striving for.
He lifted his face to the cross above the altar. JesusChrist, Son of God, looked down upon him. Blood dripped down His cheek from thethorned crown. His head was down but his gaze rested steadily on Jasper’s.
You are King. You are God. Are these the sins You died for?Or am I rising from my slumber to live the life I am meant to live? Show me theway, O Lord, for I have been misguided. I have prayed to help Nicky find hisway while it is I who am lost. It is I who needs to find a path true to You andto myself.
He could sit there and tell himself what had happened withNicky had been nothing but a moment of weakness, of temptation. That would beeasier in the long run. But he knew, deep down, that all he had felt and donewas born from a strength he’d lacked when he was a teenage boy. That madeeverything a lot more complicated.
The day was surprisingly busy and, like when he’d beena teenager, Nicky’s parents didn’t seem to get any “I got laid” vibes off him.For the first forty-five minutes after his parents got home, Miriam told himall about their trip. As she lovingly described the lobster soup and the timeshe’d spent reading romances by the water while his father fished, hehalf-listened and half-panicked that Jasper was, at that very moment, decidingeverything had been a mistake.
The rest of the morning was taken up with calling ElkinHardware about the unfinished dock-steps project, and then standing there whileJoey Renfroe talked to Adrian about rebar and supports. Once they’d shakenhands on hiring Joey and Elkin Hardware for the job, Nicky was freed from theresponsibility of finishing a project he was in no way qualified to have evenbegun.
Somehow, in the distraction of checking his phone and seeingthat Jazz still hadn’t texted, Nicky agreed to go fishing with Adrian. Afterdonning long sleeves to protect his tats, slathering on sunscreen, and slappingon a weird, musty-smelling hat his mother used in the garden, they went outinto the cove and beyond. They spent three hours catching tautog and a few niceherrings.
When they got back, Adrian cleaned the fish and Miriam putsome in the freezer before cooking up one of the bigger togs for an early dinner.Nicky picked at it. His stomach still felt off, but he didn’t think it was fromhaving gone into withdrawal the day before. He thought it was because for a fewhours in the middle of the night, he’d had the most perfect feeling thateverything was going to be all right. Now that feeling was gone.
After dinner, Miriam set about cleaning the house and Adrianwent into his office to do some work, leaving Nicky with nothing to distracthis mind. The piano called to him, and so did his father’s guitar, but hecouldn’t let himself make music right now. It scared him what might come out.He had a feeling if anyone heard the music stirring up inside him, they’d knowexactly what he and Jazz had done.
So Nicky sat by the swimming pool with his feet in the water,cradling his phone in his other hand. He listened to the birds chirp. He couldfeel the heat waves lifting from the earth around him, humid and buzzing withits own sort of sound. The rustle in the trees and the roar of an unseen lawnmower echoed around the cove, culminating in a pulsing rhythm in his mind.
Your skin tastes of ocean and sin
Your lips sink me like ships
In a wave that holds on so strong
It’s impossible to sail on
He sighed and looked down at his phone again. There werestill no messages from Jasper. There were, however, dozens from Danvers and afew from Harry, and one from Ramona.
Call me. Important.
He looked toward the house and could see his mothervacuuming through the back windows. He selected Ramona’s name, and it barelyrang once before she answered.
“Let me tell you, pretty boy, you’ve been pissing somepeople off,” she answered.
“What did I do now?”
“Oh, you know, not answering your phone, not returningmessages from management, pretending they don’t exist. Anything else you’vedone that might make people angry?”
