Page 129 of Vespertine
“The news is reporting that Nico Blue is feared dead of anoverdose. Me, not Mick. No one’s corrected it.” He was shaking all over. Hetook off his sunglasses and baseball cap, looking for some sort of recognitionin the eyes of the people around him, but everyone seemed weirded out by hiseye contact. “They’re trying to find Mick’s parents or something before settingthe record straight.”
Ramona was silent for a moment and then Nicky heard thesound of an all-day news station in the background of her call. “They’re sayingour last album has shot to number one on the charts in the wake of yourpossible death. This is fucking unconscionable,” Ramona said.
“I have to get on a plane now.”
“It’s okay. I’ll take care of it. I’ll call Danvers and getthis shit straightened out. I’ll call the local news station myself if I haveto. Fuck, can anyone else in this world do anything without me?”
“I guess not.”
“Get on the plane, pretty boy. Call me when you’re home.”
Nicky tried one last time to get through to Blue Oasis, butthe machine picked up again. He texted Adrian once more, letting him know thathe was boarding in Philly and would be home soon. Settling into his seat on theplane, his heart pounded and his stomach knotted up. He needed to see hisparents and Jazz, but now he needed his parents and Jazz to see him too.
Jasper coughed up a lungful of briny water as hedragged himself onto the sand. He’d apparently lost his tank top and shoessomewhere on the mainland, but his pants dragged him down. He coughed again,wiped the water from his eyes, and tried to struggle out of his remaining wetclothes, but they twisted wickedly and clung to him. He cried out and kicked,sending wet sand flying, making it stick to his skin as he finally freedhimself. On hands and knees, he crawled up the beach, exhausted.
He should probably be worried about kneeling naked on theisland in the early afternoon when anyone boating past could see him, but hedidn’t care. The water was calm, rippling gently, and there was no sound otherthan the wind in the trees. Jasper rested his hands on his thighs, tilted hishead to the sky, and closed his eyes. His heart felt bruised and sore, and histhroat hurt, but he couldn’t stop crying.
Eventually even the worst grief ran dry, and when his voiceturned hoarse, he let himself fall sideways. He hugged his knees as he watchedthe sun sink toward the water. Waves lapped softly at the shore, and Jasper letthe motion lull him, waiting for whatever he’d feel next.
Oh, Nicky. Wicked-sharp pain inhis chest made him curl up tighter. He hadn’t run out of anger yet, but for nowhe was too tired to stir it back to life. A bone-weary loneliness settledinside him, weighing his limbs. The desolation of it made his heartbeat echohollowly in his chest.
He thought about reaching out to God, but no. He didn’t wantto feel His calming presence. He didn’t want to lessen this hurt. Not yet. In atwisted way it felt good, because he thought when the anger and sadness ranout, there’d be nothing else left.
Loss was part of life. He knew that. He’d seen it enoughover the years, but to lose so cruelly when he’d only just found Nicky again…
His face twisted in agony. He could’ve had him since he wasseventeen years old. If he hadn’t chosen priesthood, Nicky’d still be here.Jasper still would’ve lost him one way or another down the line, but maybe bythen whoever went first would’ve found peace in the memories they’d made. Allhe had now was an abyss of what ifs.
You could always stay a priest, asmall voice whispered in his ear, but Jasper shook it off like an annoying fly.Nicky’s death—oh God—didn’t mean Jasper loved him anyless.
A part of him that could function beyond the loss made himstand and stretch out. Like it was someone else making the decisions for him,he walked into the shallow water, wincing when it touched his toes. His bodyfelt tight and hot and he was sure the sun had burned the salt into his skin ashe’d lain there on the beach. He rinsed his face, arms, and legs, wanting toget used to the cold of the water before he dove in completely. As welcoming asthe darkness seemed, he didn’t want to take permanent residence in it.
He needed to swim across and be a responsible adult. His momwould be worried. He’d need to talk to the Blumfelds and offer them support.
But the island called him one last time. The fort couldshelter him; the blankets could keep him warm. He looked behind him.Just one night. One last time, and thenI’ll never be back.
He made his way to the fort, shivering as he went, andpulled the strongbox out of its hiding place. It took nearly all his strengthto drag it back to the beach. He reached for the blankets Nicky had aired outless than a week ago, and used one to dry himself. He spread the blankets out andwrapped the sleeping bag around him. He wouldn’t find peace, no. But he couldhold vigil this night, and remember.
He covered his face, felt the sand sticking to his palmsscrape his skin, and cried desperately, the loss carving hoarse, painfulbreaths from his aching lungs until it dragged him under in a restless,twitching sleep.
He is fourteen and standing under Nicky’s window, eyesclosed, listening to the music that falls so easily from Nicky’s fingers. Theguitar riffs drift down toward him and touch him like raindrops after a brutallyhot day. For the first time in his life Jasper thinks,I lovehim.
He is sixteen and watches Nicky in the attic room. Thereshould be nothing attractive about a sweaty boy sleeping with his mouth openwhile little snuffly sounds come out of his nose, but the ache between Jasper’slegs makes him squirm with embarrassment and arousal.I wanthim.
He is seventeen and they run free likewild horses, through the torrent of summer rain, the oak leaves and pineneedles at once dampening and amplifying their solitude, alternately coveringthem in excess water and shielding them from the onslaught of the wind. Soakedto the bone, they find shelter under a gnarled, unrecognizable tree, and hegrabs hold of Nicky, uses his stone-cold fingers to push Nicky’s wet hair offhis face.
“You’re crazy.” Jasper laughs. “I toldyou it was gonna rain.”
“Yeah,” Nicky gasps, completely out ofbreath. “So crazy.”
Their first kiss tastes like cloudburstand smells like wet leaves and damp mold, and it feels like the world ends andbegins all over again.
“I love you,” Jasper says. “I want you.”
Jasper jerked awake. Eyes gritty with salt and sand, heblinked at the rising moon. His hands closed convulsively on the cool sandbeneath him as he waited for clarity to come, for the realization of which wasdream and which was reality. It came, and he lay his head on his arms andsought oblivion again.
Chapter Twenty-four
WHENHE LANDED INPORTLAND, Nicky’s phone dingedwith considerably fewer texts. At least one of his texts to Jasper was bouncedback from the server, and he tried to call him again, but it went to voicemail.He left a message and tried Blue Oasis and still got no answer. He wished hehad Jasper’s landline. He tried calling the Hendricks’s house using the numberhe remembered from childhood, but someone named Josiah answered cheerfullyannouncing he’d reached Piggies BBQ and Chips. He sent another text to Jasperbefore turning to the messages from other people.
