Page 30 of Vespertine
“I guess.”
“What a strange and amazing world we live in,” Jazz mused.
“Rock star,” Nicky murmured again, bitterness on his tongue.“That sounds like a lie, doesn’t it? You can’t exactly turn up at your highschool reunion and when someone asks what you do for a living answer ‘rockstar.’ It’s fucking absurd. It’s not a real thing that a person can be, Jazz.It’s bullshit.” He swallowed and flicked a glance to Jasper. “If I’ve changedat all since you knew me, I guess I got even more broken out there in yourso-called strange and amazing world. And given how broken I was to start with…We both know that’s saying something, man.”
Jazz held his gaze for a moment and then looked away. Hisfingers twitched by his sides like he wanted to reach out, but otherwise hekept very still. “Oh, Nicky.”
Fuck it, he wasn’t going to go down this path. ApparentlyJazz could still strip him down to skin, bones, and honesty with a glance, buthe didn’t have to offer it up so easily. “Aren’t you going to ask?”
“What?”
“What makes a wanker?”
“It hadn’t occurred to me, no, but all right, tell me.” Jazz’ssmile was adorable, and there was no steeling himself against it. Nicky’sstomach flipped. Jazz had grown up, but his smile was just as innocent as ever.Nicky looked away from it. His sure as hell wasn’t.
“Well, speaking as a wanker myself, I can tell you thedefining feature is a disgusting amount of self-involvement.”
Jazz laughed, a small huff that forced Nicky’s lips into atwist of self-effacing amusement.
“Wanker songs are the musical equivalent to showing up atyour ex’s place of business and making a scene.”
“Is that so?” Jazz finally sat down on the bench and restedhis folded hands on top of the picnic table a few inches away from Nicky’s leftthigh. The sun glinting in his eyes made them shimmer gold and green. Hisbreath was slow, and his eyes slid over Nicky’s body and then up to meet hisgaze. “Is that your way of apologizing?”
Nicky’s laugh was sharp. “Oh, hell no. I’m not sorry foranything I said yesterday.”
Jazz raised a brow. That was another expression he probablyused on his flock. Nicky remembered it from every awesome (and terrible) ideahe’d ever had as a kid.
“Fine. I can admit the confessional wasn’t the place for it.”
Jazz pressed the pads of his fingertips between two woodenslats of the picnic table and rubbed back and forth. His fingernails were cleanand short and broader than they used to be. “It wasn’t appropriate. Theconfessional and what happens in it is sacred.”
“Right. Sorry. Atheist Jew here. I can’t say I forgot, but Idon’t really get it.”
“You’re still an atheist?” He sounded oddly disappointed.
“Would that have changed anything?” That was one of a dozenthings Nicky had always wanted to know. “If I’d been a believer, I mean?”
Jasper looked down at the table and shook his head. “No. Itwouldn’t have made a difference.”
What would have?He didn’t knowhow to ask.
Jazz didn’t give him a chance. “Yesterday, what were youexpecting from our meeting, Nicky? Did you just want to hurt me?”
Nicky pulled the sleeve of his shirt down over his wrist andfiddled with the seam. “I wasn’t expecting anything. I actually went in to makeamends with you. Seems funny now after what I did, huh? I did it the way I doeverything in my life: wrong.”
“Not everything.” Jazz flattened his hands on the picnictable and fixed Nicky with his trademark earnest gaze, the one that always,always, made Nicky want to get Jazz into trouble and diveinto it right along with him. “You’re getting clean. And you’re home wherepeople can take care of you and support you. You’re on the right track.”
“Well, thanks for your approval,Father.”Nicky slid off the top of the picnic table and walked toward the pool as hetried to shake the shivery-good glow of Jazz’s praise. He was not that boyanymore.
He considered jumping in again, but he was afraid Jazz wouldtake that as his cue to leave and he wasn’t ready for him to walk away justyet. Nicky slid on his dad’s old ugly Crocs he’d found in the shoe trunk andstarted back toward the steps. He’d left the crowbar there earlier after pryingup some of the worst offenders. He could pull some more rickety boards up nowand take some of the hurt rising in him out on the defenseless wood.
“Nicky, wait,” Jazz said, reaching out to grab Nicky’s wristas he strolled by where Jasper still sat at the table. “There’s something elsewe should talk about. In the confessional you said a lot of things, some ofthem really hard for me to hear—”
Jazz’s fingers were electric on his wrist and Nicky pulledaway.
Jazz’s cheeks flushed and his eyes went dark with emotion. “Yousaid you thought I’d never loved you.”
Nicky stared at Jazz. His throat went tight, his heartpounding hard.
