Page 34 of Vespertine
It no longer mattered what might have been. Only the roadahead counted. And right now the road ahead led to the confessional.
Lord, I lay my heart and soul at Yourfeet. Guide me toward Your true path and help me focus on those who need me.
He didn’t look too closely at who waited in the rows of pewsby the confessional. He just breathed until he found peace and opened thepartition to offer God’s forgiveness.
Jasper lifted his hand to his forehead. “In the name of theFather, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, amen.”
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
Ohno. “Nicky,” Jasper whispereddesperately. “Please. Not again.”
“No!” The grid that separated them made it hard to distinguishany features but Jasper saw Nicky’s fingers when he pressed them to the slats. “No,I’m not here to be a jerk again. Yesterday you said you’d help me if I neededit. And I guess I need help.”
Jasper was tempted to ask if this wasn’t something bettersuited for Nicky’s parents, or his therapist, given the fact that Nicky haddeclared himself an atheist just the day before. But maybe this was God’s planto help Nicky, and Jasper shouldn’t stand in the way of that. He could do this.He could set aside his own conflicting emotions and be the guide Nicky needed.He reached for the string of rosary beads hidden in his robes.
Wasn’t this exactly what he’d prayed for?
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,that never was it known that anyone who fled to Thy protection, implored Thyhelp, or sought Thy intercession, was left unaided.
“All right.” Jasper wanted to put his fingertips to Nicky’sto give him courage. “I’m here for you, Nicky. I’m listening. Whatever youneed.”
Nicky was silent. His shadow moved away from the screen andhe swore softly under his breath. “Never mind, this was a bad idea.”
“No,” Jasper quickly said. “Please stay and tell me how Ican help you.” He felt shaky, like he’d had an extra cup of coffee.Get it together, Jasper. “May the Lord be in your heart andhelp you to confess your sins with true sorrow.”
Nicky shifted in his seat, and Jasper caught a glimpse ofdark wavy hair and a flash of blue eyes before they lowered. “I’m scared I can’tdo this.”
Jasper frowned. “Sobriety?”
“Yeah. I’ve been tempted to call a guy I know here in town.”
The wooden beads bit into the flesh of his palm. “You meanJimmy?” Jasper whispered, his blood running cold.
“Yeah. He’s still around, right? He’s not dead yet?”
“He’s not dead.”
“Oh, good. Because the last time I saw him…” Nicky blew asoft breath between his teeth.
Jasper’s stomach clenched. Jimmy had been bad news for Nickywhen they were seventeen, and he could be disastrous for him now. He wouldn’tever wish anyone dead, but he sure wished Jimmy at the other end of the countrynow.
“The last time you saw him?”
“Yeah, years ago. I was here for Christmas.”
Jasper remembered that year. He’d heard rumors from the kidsin Blue Oasis that Nico Blue was in town visiting his parents and he’d sharedtheir vigilance for a glimpse of him for entirely different reasons.
“I bought a dimebag off Jimmy to hold me over until I couldget out of town and get my hands on some good horse.” Nicky’s swallow wasaudible through the slats. “I paid him a lot more than the shit was worth.Jimmy looked he was about to die and that was forever ago.” Nicky sounded alittle breathless as he asked, “Have you seen him lately?”
Jasper hesitated. He didn’t want to give Nicky informationabout Jimmy. The guy was paving his own path to a living hell and he wantedNicky to stay away from him. Besides, Jasper had tried to reach out to Jimmyonce and it hadn’t been pretty. “I see him sometimes, from a distance. He doesn’tlook good.”
Nicky’s voice was gruff. “Yeah. It hurt to see him likethat. He was my friend.”
Jasper closed his eyes and remembered finding Nicky andJimmy alone in the fort. It was a surprise to discover the pain was still therejust waiting for him to poke at, like a bruise that never healed. He rememberedhis first reaction had been anger. The fort was supposed to betheirsand theirs alone. But then…“So,hey Nicky, what do you say? Can I blow you?”
“I know.” Jasper swallowed. “I know he was your friend.”
Nicky’s fingers worried at the partition separating them. “Seeinghim like that…it could’ve been me.”
