Page 49 of Vespertine
“Nicholas, you need to follow through on my recommendations.”
“They both just seem so…” Lonely. Isolating. “I feel like Ido better when I’m with people.”
“I agree. Maybe you could find a yoga class to take whereyou could be with people. It will improve your physical health and give you aplace to turn when you need to rely on new coping skills. It’s key that youfind a support system that can keep you buoyed up. It’s important to pick whoyou surround yourself with wisely. Users will want you to use so they canjustify their own behavior. It’s also important that you choose people who cansupport you earnestly, without any ulterior motives of their own. Being famousis another hurdle for making a true connection, Nicholas, but if you don’t takethings too quickly, you’ll be fine.”
“I’m hanging out with my parents, mainly.” Did hisinteractions with Jazz count? “And my best friend from when I was a kid. He’s apriest.”
“Perfect. He’ll be a good ear for you when you’restruggling.”
“He offered to help me.”
“That’s great. Now, are you still having trouble fallingasleep at night?”
After agreeing to see if there were any yoga instructors intown and to at least listen to the relaxation meditation before bed, Nicky gotoff the phone.
After a fast shower, he dressed to go into town, tellinghimself he was just going to run by the little men’s boutique on Lemonhart Laneto pick up a good pair of sunglasses. The ones he’d grabbed at Target were crapand left little black smudges on his nose where the dye couldn’t stand upagainst the acidity of his sweat.
“Sweetie, hold on,” his mom said as he grabbed the keys tothe truck from the catch-all bowl in the entryway. She took hold of his handsand looked him in the eye. “This morning you seemed embarrassed about yourarms. I wanted to tell you that your father and I love you—tattoos, scars,whatever. We love you. We’re proud of you. And we believe you are strong enoughto beat this, okay?”
Nicky pushed an unruly curl off her forehead and then kissedher cheek. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close. The door to hiscage stood open and he took a deep breath and stepped through it, testing hisfreedom again. “I want to be strong enough but sometimes I’m afraid I’m not.”
She squeezed him. “You don’t have to be strong all byyourself. Your father and I will be with you through this no matter what.”
But not in Los Angeles. Who would he have there? It would behim, Mick, Sez, and Ramona against the world, and maybe it would be enough. Butit hadn’t been in the past. Of course, in the past, he’d shut them all out likehe had his parents when he was a kid. He’d been Nicky-in-the-cage and they’dbeen outside it, occasionally rattling it, but mostly just living their lifewithout him.
Brains of the operation
Lonely as sin
All connections broken
Beginning to end
Tie a rope
Pull me in
The air conditioning on his father’s truck hadn’t been hardto fix and Nicky blasted it as he drove down Main Street in the wretched heat.He wore one of the black long-sleeved shirts he’d picked up at the new Targeton the outskirts of town, his blue jeans, and the ass-kicking boots he’darrived in. He didn’t turn down Lemonhart Lane; instead he headed directly forthe old school he’d attended with Jasper as a child.
As he pulled into the parking lot out front, he took in thechanges. The building had been stark, dignified brick when he and Jazz had beensubmitted to the tyranny of public education, but now the bricks were paintedan optimistic white and one wall was covered with a messy but enthusiasticmural of handprints, rainbows, looping, uplifting scripture quotes, and ashiny, gold-toned cross with a bunch of colors radiating out from it. It wasthe gayest cross of all time. Nicky snorted. How had Jasper managed to get awaywith that?
No one hung around the parking lot and the streets seemedfree of lurking reporters, so Nicky dashed out of the car and up the stairs.
The inside ofBO—Nicky’sadmittedly juvenile new nickname for Blue Oasis—was slightly more dignified,with the same chipped tile he remembered from his childhood. He pushed theheavy door closed behind him and let his eyes settle in the dimness. God. Thelong hallway even smelled the same. He took a look around, spotting an emptyoffice to his left and an occupied one to the right.
“Oh, Mrs. Wells, hi.” Nicky sounded like he had every timehe’d ever been caught without his homework in her class. She looked the sametoo, as if she might pull a ruler from her desk and use it on his knuckles ifhe was anything less than perfectly polite. She’d never done any such thing, ofcourse, but he’d always thought she might. Maybe it was because he’d been anightmare student, what with his habit of tuning out anything that wasn’t Jazzor music, but he’d been terrified of Mrs. Wells and her pressed lips ofdisapproval when he’d been a kid.
“Nicholas Blumfeld. I had no idea you were in town. Thatexplains a lot actually.”
“I haven’t been here long.” He was surprised the rumors hadn’tspread already. He supposed that was one benefit of keeping his tats coveredand his profile low. “But Jasper told me about your visitor last night. I thinkhe was just testing the waters, or he’d have come straight to my parents’house. I’m sure I can—”
“We’ll deal with intruders, Nicholas. We don’t need yourhelp.” She cocked her head and looked up at him appraisingly. “I hear you’re abig star now.”
Nicky didn’t know how to reply to that. It wasn’t the firsttime he’d heard it, but he never knew what he was supposed to say.Yeah, I am?OrGosh, no. You must betalking about someone else. Both seemed like bullshit. “I’m in townvisiting my folks,” he said instead.
“I know they miss you.” Oh, now that was an accusation. Nodoubt about it.
“I’ve missed them too.”
