Page 66 of Vespertine
“Because they’re about you.”
“I couldn’t resist buying them.” Jasper chuckled but it wasunderscored with a hint of bitterness. “You know I’ve always been vain and, Ihave to admit, some part of me wanted to see what you’d sing about me next.”His throat clicked as he swallowed, shame creeping into his expression. “Inever know what I want most when I see you have a new album out: for you tohave moved on and found someone new to write songs about, or for you to stillbe writing songs for me. A truly good man, a good priest, would have wanted youto have found love and happiness, and they would have wanted it with all oftheir heart.” Jasper cleared his throat and shook his head, his eyes gleamingin the low light. “I’ve never admitted that before. Maybe not even to myself.Nicky, it seems possible that I’m not a very good priest.”
Chapter Twelve
JASPERFELT SO LOOSE ANDrelaxed; under different circumstances, he’d wonder ifhe’d had a beer he’d forgotten about. His head rolled to the side against thecouch when Nicky stood.
“I should get going.” Nicky made a face. “Mom and Dad willget worried if I stay out any longer. Oh my God, I am officially a teenageragain.” Jasper laughed and began to climb to his feet. Nicky said, “No, I canfind my way out, you don’t need to—oh shit.”
“What?” Jasper froze on his knees. “What is it?”
“Looks like your kitty cat is losing half her coat. Oh man,I can’t go home like this. You know how allergic my dad is to all things furry.”
Jasper remembered copious amounts of sneezing, tears, andhives the one time little Nicky had brought a starving kitten home. They’d gonearound every day for a week to find it a new home because his parents didn’twant it either. “Come on up, I’ll give you something to change into.”
He climbed the steps two at a time and rummaged into hiscloset until he found a long-sleeved Henley and a pair of yoga pants that hadalways been a bit too tight on him. He held them out to Nicky, who still stoodin the doorway.
“Thanks.” Nicky kept his eyes on the clothes, but didn’tmove.
Hesitation marks.
Well, that explained why he’d been in no hurry to showJasper what he looked like when they were in Nicky’s bedroom the other day.
“I’ll leave you to it.” Jasper made to ease past Nicky butcame to a halt when Nicky curled his fingers around his wrists.
“You can stay,” Nicky whispered and Jasper knew he shouldn’t,but his curiosity got the better of him.
“Are you sure? I don’t need to—”
“You want to.” Nicky swished his thumb along the fragilecrease of Jasper’s wrist once before he let go. “And that means a lot.”
Nicky took a step farther into the room, turned his back onJasper, and slowly pulled the shirt over his head.
“Oh, Nicky.” Jasper covered his mouth because he was afraidof what else might come tumbling out.
“I never show this one.” Nicky’s voice sounded soft andbreakable. “I keep my shirts on onstage, although the front occasionally getsripped, and I make sure no one ever sees my bare back when I get fuck—”
“Stop talking.” Jasper walked forward. Nothing could’ve heldhim back. Not God, not his belief, and certainly not his own lacking willpower.With a steady hand he reverently traced the sleeping fox and badger on Nicky’sright shoulder blade. They were arranged in a vague heart shape and their tailsentwined as they dozed peacefully, facing each other. Jasper touched theirnoses, trailed the lace pattern surrounding them, and followed the cornflowersthat trailed off into the flower sleeve that ran down Nicky’s arm. “Are theremore?”
Nicky didn’t move, so Jasper slowly circled him, eyes onNicky’s downcast face. When they stood toe to toe he finally let his gazewander.
An anatomically correct heart was tattooed right over whereNicky’s real heart would be. Jasper touched the words above it. “Via et veritas et vita.” He smiled even though he felt likecrying. “I am the way and the truth and the life.”
“Do you know the rest of the quote?” Nicky asked. His blueeyes shimmered in the last of the orange sunlight filling the room. It’d bedark soon and Jasper knew it would bring no relief.
“Ego sum via et veritas et vita nemovenit ad Patrem nisi per me. I am the way, and the truth, and the life.No man cometh to the Father, but by me.” Jasper laughed hoarsely. “You’reterrible.”
Nicky reached out and touched Jasper’s cheek with onefingertip. “I know.”
And there, on the left shoulder, sat the blue tattoo thathad piqued his curiosity. A bright blue fox sprang from blue stripes of paintand ran toward Nicky’s heart. Its little paws landed right beside Nicky’s leftnipple, and Jasper saw it pebble when he traced the fox’s back. “This is maybethe most beautiful tattoo I’ve ever seen.”
“Yeah. It’s my favorite. Well, some days I hated it. But Inever regretted it.”
Jasper nodded but couldn’t say anything. On Nicky’s rightpec lay a little red fox curled up, fast asleep, surrounded by a circle of thesame kind of lace that’d been used around the sleeping badger and fox on hisback. It looked so sweet he had to touch it. Nicky’s breath fanned over hisfingers, and Jasper put his palm flat over the fox.
“I thought you hated me,” Jasper whispered.
Nicky lay his palm over Jasper’s hand. “Sometimes. But noregrets. I don’t think I ever realized that. Not until now.”
