Page 68 of Vespertine
“And now?” Nicky asked. Jasper didn’t know who wastrembling. Maybe they both were. Nicky worked his hands free and Jasper stood. “Whatdo you believe now?” Nicky asked.
“I think you’re as capable of loving someone as much asanyone else is. Maybe…maybe more.”
Nicky sounded so small when he said, “But it’s too late now.”
Jasper picked up the Henley from the floor and tugged itover Nicky’s head. Holding on to the fabric he drew Nicky a little closer. “Idon’t know if it would’ve made a difference in the end. My callingwas…tenacious. I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you this. It served nopurpose apart from alleviating my own conscience. It’s not fair to you.”
Nicky shook his head. He stuck his arms through his sleevesand bent to pick up the yoga pants. “I need to go. I need to, what does mytherapist call it? Heh, yeah…‘process.’”
“Sure.” Jasper tried to quell the disappointment—tried tostop it from bleeding through in his voice. “But I’ll see you soon?”
Nicky gazed at him with wounded eyes.
Jasper’s throat ached as he opened his bedroom door. “Whydon’t you come by Blue Oasis tomorrow morning?” He picked up thecat-hair-covered clothes and tossed them in his washing basket, his handsshaking. “I do a yoga session with the kids every Friday at ten. In the summeranyway. It’s nothing complicated since most of them haven’t done much either. Ifind it helps them focus.” Why was he still talking? It wasn’t going to fixanything.
Nicky smoothed the Henley down his chest and Jasper missedseeing the tattoos. “I’ll think about it,” he finally said, voice distant and alittle cold. “I need to work on the dock stairs. I’m not sure I’ll have time.”
Jasper shuddered. “All right. I’ll walk you out.”
They descended the stairs in silence, and Jasper flicked onthe porch lamp since the sun had set completely. The light broke through thedarkness as the comfortable warmth of the night enveloped them. An owl calledout somewhere in the distance, and Jasper hoped all the bunnies were safe intheir hidey-holes for the night. One massacre was enough.
He smiled nervously. This day had not gone like he’dexpected. But then his days with Nicky never had, had they?
He didn’t want to look too closely—to find parallels in thethen and now, to get hung up on what could’ve been—but these hours spent withNicky had been the happiest in a long time. “Are you angry with me?” Jasperasked in the quiet of the night. “I never should have told you.” He nevershould have touched Nicky either. But he couldn’t truly regret it.
“I don’t know.” Nicky made a soft noise in his throat, asmall growl. “I don’t want to be. We’ve wasted enough time with resentment. Ijust need to go.”
“Will you be okay?” Jasper couldn’t help touching Nicky’sarm again, feeling the solid wiry muscle under his fingertips.
“If you’re asking whether I’m going to relapse tonightbecause of what you said, no.” He smirked and a wicked gleam came to his eye. “Well,probably not.” He licked his lips. “But maybe you shouldmakemestay here with you tonight just to be sure. Tie me to your bed. Itcould be fun.”
Jasper’s throat clicked when he swallowed. “Nicky, don’tjoke about this. I care about you.”
“I know.”
You’re only going to hurt yourself. And Nicky too.He staredinto the darkness, waiting for his eyes to adjust, so he could make out Adrian’struck.The truth is something that exists. Wishing it to be different onlyleads to deceiving yourself.Jasper frowned. He couldn’t remember who’d toldhim that.
“Don’t worry, Jazz. I’m going to go home and eat Dad’s porkrinds and some more ice cream. My therapist tells me emotional eating is athing other people have some success with.” He snorted. “You didn’t unhinge metonight. Well, not completely.” He turned to go.
“Nicky, wait.”
Nicky stopped outside the ring of light, his face halfhidden in shadow, arms wrapped around himself.
“Yeah?”
Jasper tried to swallow. “Would you hate it if I hugged you?”
“No,” Nicky said thickly. “Not at all.” He lifted his armsand Jasper walked right into them.
Nicky drove into the night trembling all over. Hisheart hadn’t stopped pounding since Jasper had kissed his scars and slid hissoft, gentle fingers over his back and chest. He’d been aching and half-hardfrom the first tentative touch. Seeing Jasper on his knees in front of him hadbeen so overwhelming that he almost hadn’t registered his confession. But whenhe had, the words sliced into him like that long-ago razor blade, and his hearthad pumped wildly for an entirely different reason.
How could Jazz have believed his mother? Mrs. Hendricks hadalways been a bitch, as far as Nicky was concerned. But the knowledge that Jazzhad allowed himself to be convinced that Nicky was incapable of loving him—thathe’d taken that lie and run with it into the arms of a made-up God—woke thefeelings of betrayal Nicky had been trying so desperately to let go.
But then Jazz had asked to hug him, and their bodies had fittogether like puzzle pieces. Jasper was taller than him now, broader, and Nickyhad tucked against him, chin hooking on his shoulder. Jasper’s arms had grippedhim hard, and his breath had brushed against the nape of his neck. Nicky hadwanted nothing more than to press further into him until they were asinseparable as they’d once been.
Nicky drove without seeing, following roads he’d know likethe back of his hand no matter how much time had passed since he last tookthem. His mind churned with emotions he didn’t know how to categorize oradequately allow himself to feel. His chest hurt so much that he half-wonderedif he was having a heart attack, and he couldn’t quite grab a full breath. Atingling, thrumming under and over his skin reminded him of snorting coke andslamming back three Redbulls. He was nauseous in the same way too. And going byhis half-chub, strangely aroused. He was a fucking mess.
Maybe this was a panic attack. Could he be horny and have apanic attack too? Was that possible? Leave it to him to be too broken to evenpanic the right way. His mind welled with the memory of Jazz’s arms around him;his scent, and how he’d tried to hide his trembling by holding Jazz tighter.
