Page 76 of Vespertine
Nicky smiled warmly. “Well, that’s not true. Don’t worryabout that anymore.” He reached out and tweaked a piece of her hair, and thenchucked her chin. “All right?”
“Why don’t you believe in God, Nicky?”
He didn’t want to explain that there was no way God existed,not with all the horrible things he’d done and seen. But life was a lotprettier if you could believe. He didn’t want to discourage her. “I don’t knowhow to explain it. I wish I did believe in God. If you don’t mind talking aboutit, why don’t you believe?”
“I’ve tried. I prayed for strength. Like, I’d sit there andsuffer and I’d pray and I’d pray and I’d pray.” She covered her mouth and asingle tear detached itself from her eyelashes. He wanted to offer her comfortbut he thought she needed to get through this by herself. “I mean, you think Iwantthis? You think I want to walk around in this body andbe wrong in my head? If He’s real, then why did He make me that way? What’s thepoint? Why didn’t He make menormal.”
He almost argued that normal was a setting on the washingmachine, but he knew that wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She didn’t want himto convince her that she wasn’t different from other girls. She wanted him toadmit that she was.
“I can’t answer that, Lizzie. No one can, not even Jazz.”She cracked a little smile at the name and he suppressed a grin. Father Jazz.Nicky didn’t care how long it took, he’d have all the kids calling him that inthe end. “But you’re here. You made it this far.”
“Yeah. But all that praying I did? It never fixed anything.And I’m so fucking angry about it.” She covered her mouth. “Don’t tell FatherJazz I said that.”
“I promise.” He reached out and took hold of her hand. Herfingers were thin and dry. “You know what, Lizzie? Maybe things will get harderfor you before they get better. I’m not going to lie to you about that.” Hereyes went wide. “But eventually they will get better.”
She rolled her eyes and pulled her hand out of his. “How canit get better, Nicky? I’m changing every day, turning more and more into a man.I hate it. I’m just a kid. I don’t have any money. I can’t afford totransition. Hormones and surgery? I’ll never be able to afford them. Not beforeit’s too late.”
“It’s never too late, Lizzie. I promise you that.”
“If I can’t transition soon, it’ll be harder, maybeimpossible, to ever look the way I want.”
“Maybe. But medicine has come so far. There’s so much thatcan be done now. Girl, I know how trite that sounds when you hear it, believeme, but you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. And when you’re all grown upand you’ve got a career and someone who loves you…all this?” Nicky gesturedaround them, encompassing the school, but also her current body and her past. “It’llseem like a faraway dream.”
“No it won’t.”
“Parts of it will. I promise. And you’ll have knowledge noone else has. You’ll have an affinity with people around you, people who needhelp in ways no one else understands. That’s important, Liz. It’s strong peoplelike you who change the world.”
She scoffed but smiled as she reached out to squeeze hishand. “Says the famous rock star.”
“I don’t change the world. I fill it with noise for a fewminutes and then people forget my existence. It’s you who’ll make this a betterplace. Not me, not God. You.”
“Do you think that’s really true? Or are you trying to makeme feel better.”
He squeezed her hand and stood up, pulling her with him. “Both.Now, are you ready for your lesson?”
After working with Lizzie on her keyboard skills, Nicky lefther with a girl named Amberlynn. She was a few years older and owned a big pinkovernight case full of makeup and a large purple mirror. As he’d put away thekeyboard and guitar, he’d listened to their wary exchange of promises: Amberlynnwould show Lizzie some tricks with the makeup and, in exchange, Lizzie wouldteach Amberlynn how to throw a real punch. How Lizzie was going to demonstratethat—or rather, on who—Nicky wasn’t sure, and he decided he probably shouldn’tstick around to find out or he’d be somehow to blame.
“I think you need a punching bag,” he said dropping into thechair across from Jasper’s desk.
Jasper frowned at the computer screen and hit a few buttons.
“Any more dick pics I should see?”
Jazz didn’t bother to answer that, instead, glancing up andsmiling at Nicky before going back to his screen. “Why would we need a punchingbag?”
“For them to get some aggression out. You know they’re onebig mass of teeming hormones.” Nicky slumped down in the chair, spreading hislegs wide. His jeans tugged at his knees, and he pulled up the sleeve of hislight shirt to scratch at an itch in the crook of his elbow. He tugged theshirt down again to cover the scars. “Violence or sex are really the onlyoptions.”
“Prayer is a good option.”
Nicky slapped his forehead. “Yes, of course, how could Ihave forgotten how prayer staved off all the sex we had?”
“Nicky,” Jasper hissed, rising quickly to shut the door tohis office. “Mrs. Wells is sitting out there. What if she’d heard you?”
“She’s got earbuds in,” Nicky said, reaching out andslapping Jasper’s hip as he walked back to his desk. “Probably listening toPerry Como.”
Jasper gave him his serious face and Nicky swallowed back alaugh. “No, she’s probably taken them out and is intently listening toeverything you say.”
“Well, I hope she got good and scandalized then.”
