Page 95 of Vespertine
“Fuck, what were you thinking, Jasper?” Nicky threw his armsout to the side, exposing his scars to the dying sunlight. “I’m a fuckingjunkie. You’re a priest. And this can’t ever work.”
Jasper blew out gently. He put his hands on Nicky’s arms. “Tobe honest, Nicky, I don’t want to think about any of that right now. I feel toogood.”
“It’s just endorphins.”
It’s just hormones. Puppy love. It can’t last. We’ll growout of it.Bullshit.
“Maybe.” Jasper shrugged. “And maybe it’s something else.”He touched Nicky’s cheek and slid his fingers against his stubble. “I haven’tfelt this way in a long time. Being with you…it’s like carbonation in my veins.It feels good. Like laughter.” He smiled again and it made Nicky feel weirdlylike puking. “I’d forgotten how good we are together. How good this is withyou.”
“And whose fault is that? Who’s the one who walked away?”His skin itched. He was hyper aware of his spent dick. He was scared out of hismind.
“Nicky…” Jasper tried to pull Nicky close, but he jerkedaway.
“Stop. Answer my questions. We were going to be friends. Wewere going to be okay. We were going to flirt and laugh, and I was going to goback to L.A. and sweat you out of my system. But it was going to be okay,because I could still call you, or see you when I visited home, but what thefuck, Jazz? What the fuck happens now? Are you going to do a few Hail Marys andact like nothing happened?”
Nicky paced, raking his hands in his hair and scratching athis arms, anxiety descending on him like a storm obliterating the residualafter-bliss.
“Honestly Nicky? I don’t know. I don’t know what happensnow. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Jasper looked stricken.
He whirled on him. “You realize I heard you? When youthought I was asleep, saying that you have regrets, or doubts, or whatever?”
“I did…or do.”
Nicky blinked. “You said you loved me more than you lovedGod. How could you have loved me so much and then fucking left me?”
“We’ve talked about this before,” Jazz said soothingly, hishands out like he was trying to gentle a wild horse. “Nicky, it’s okay. It’sgoing to be okay.”
“Don’t be the priest right now. Be Jazz or be nothing atall.” Nicky wanted to get away. He wanted to get in his car and drive to JimmyOrleans and see what he could do to erase this panic filling him up inside. “Idon’t want any fucking priest stuff. Not when I’m covered in your jizz.”
Jasper grabbed him, forcing him into a hug, tucking his headover Nicky’s shoulder and holding him tight. “I’m scared too.”
“You don’t seem fucking scared.”
“I was happy,” Jasper whispered. “I felt like something beautifulhappened. But I’m really sorry if I made you do something…I’m sorry if thiswasn’t what you wanted. I needed to touch you and make love to you, becausenothing seemed more right in that moment.” He pulled away and looked into Nicky’seyes, his face earnest and vulnerable. “I’m sorry this wasn’t—”
“And what happens when you freak out and hate me for what wedid? Where does that leave me? The same place I’ve always been.”Alone.
Jasper looked at him like he knew that on the inside Nickywas still the same boy he’d left. That he hadn’t grown at all. “I could neverhate you. I love you, Nicky. I always have. I can’t tell you that I’m notscared, but—”
“Don’t say things like that when they don’t mean anything atall. You’re a priest.”
“I know.”
Air left Nicky like a punctured balloon. He slumped againstJasper and let him kiss his head, his shoulders, and his cheek.
Jasper tugged him down to the blanket again. Against hisbetter judgment, Nicky allowed Jasper to pull him between his spread legs. Nickyleaned back against Jasper’s torso, his thighs bracketed by Jasper’s thighs. Hestared across the cove to their houses, the red and blue clapboards lookingwholesome and appropriately patriotic in the lowering Fourth of July light.
“What do you need right now?” Jasper asked.
“If you can wait to freak out or say what we did was wrong,that’d be great.” Nicky covered his face with a shaking hand. “Fuck. I need aminute.”
“You can have as long as you need.”
They sat that way a long time, Jasper running his hands upand down Nicky’s arms, touching his scars, rubbing over the hesitation marks onhis left wrist, and then twining their fingers together. Nicky’s anxiety camein waves, peaking and receding, as he considered every realistically possibleoutcome.
Finally, Jasper broke the silence. “Talk to me. What has youso worried right now?” he swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing against the sideof Nicky’s head. “I can’t promise that I can give you a satisfactory answer,but I want to try.”
“How could you have left me back then, Jazz? If you loved meso much how could you stand to leave me?”
