Page 102 of Goldrage
Adrian knew. Of course he knew. But he took too long to try to stop it.
Even Aurelia…
My chest constricts. She’s the love of my pathetic life, yet she only ever loved Adrian. I was just the consolation prize when she thought he didn’t care about her. The backup when she couldn’t have the one she really wanted. Those moments we shared—when I thought she saw me,reallysaw me—were just echoes of what she felt for him.
I can’t even be mad about it. I can’t be mad or resentful of anyone.
I was a bastard child who was never meant to be loved.
I wasn’t supposed to exist. A mistake between two people seeking comfort in hell. An accident that everyone has been trying to manage ever since.
The room blurs at the edges. Everything except that fucking lion head. It grins at me now, Lucian’s face fully formed in it. Mocking.
“You wanted to be me so badly, boy. Look what you’ve become.”
What I’ve become?
What have I become?
I’m floating, watching myself from somewhere near the ceiling. The skeleton tattoos on my arms are decayed yet alive in the lamplight—death eating itsown tail. The butterfly on my collarbone feels like it’s choking me. Even the Latin phrase on my ribs burns: “Where you are Gaia, there I am Gaius.” A promise of devotion I made to a woman who never truly wanted me.
What am I?
The threats. The violence. The paranoia.
I locked Aurelia in a room like Lucian used to lock my mother away. I’ve turned my brotherhood with Adrian into a venomous thing, just like Lucian tainted everything he touched. I’ve beaten and killed and intimidated.
I’ve become the monster I spent my childhood fearing.
That’s who you are.
I became Lucian’s son by my own choice. By action. By every cruel decision I’ve made since taking power.
The lion keeps smiling. Lucian keeps grinning.
“You wanted power, boy? You wanted to matter? Look at you now.”
The gun is heavy in my hand. When did I even draw it?
Roby makes another sound. Another fearful groan.
He never asked for any of this. His only crime was being brought into this world against his will. Just like me.
I was just like Roby once. Just a boy with dreams and hope.
Now I’m a monster.
Not because of the lies and betrayals of others, but my own decisions. Every time I chose violence over vulnerability. Every time I picked control over connection.Every time I let the darkness win because it was easier than fighting for the light.
Something breaks in my soul. A support beam cracks under too much weight. Everything I’ve built, everything I’ve become—it’s all founded on lies. But worse than the lies is the truth: I chose this. Step by step, decision by decision, I chose to becomethis.
I slam back into the moment, back into my body. I shove Roby hard, sending him sprawling across the rug. He scrambles away toward Lorenzo, eyes wide with terror, but I’ve already forgotten about him because he’s safe now.
Safe from me.
I need to keep everyone safe from me.
The gun barrel finds my temple like it was always meant to be there.
