Page 13 of You Can Make Me
That trip had felt like we were on a precipice. I left thinking, “Yeah, this is happening.”
And then…radio silence for three months.
I reached out multiple times, and we kept missing each other, his answers clipped. I dug around with Sam to see if Gene was on another big case, thinking maybe hecouldn’ttalk. When she’d said she wasn’t aware of anything, that Gene had actually been working regular hours for a while, I was livid.
I drove the 100 miles between us and showed up at Denny’s place unannounced. He’d been evasive about the no-contact. Told me he’d needed some time.
And I’d flown off the handle like some slighted teenage girlfriend.
I’d completely embarrassed myself. I hated feeling out of control.
So, I acted like a dick. The next time he asked to meet, I made excuses. Intentionallyridiculousexcuses. After I turned him down three times, he stopped trying. I used that to justify my suspicion that he really had just been experimenting with me.Bi-curious. I’d refused to hear him out, and then the experiment was over. I assumed I’d never see him again.
I should have known better.
I watched, unmoving, as Denny started undressing, wishing I had a front-row seat rather than cowering in the cabin. He’d never been a modest guy, probably a trait that dated back to his time in the Marines. I’d had to explain to him that his casual nudity took some getting used to. I couldn’t think when his body was on full display for me. He’d joked that thinking while naked was overrated, and I should just reach out and touch what I wanted.
He tugged his t-shirt off over his head from the back collar and flung it onto the rocks, slid his jeans down his hips, taking his boxers with them, and let them fall to the ground. He stood for a moment looking around, his glorious back muscles and powerful ass accentuated by the light from the house. He slowly lowered himself into the hot spring pool. He leaned back and wrapped his arms around the smooth concrete lip, causing his muscles to stand in relief, and let his head fall back.
Howdarehe.
Howfuckingdare he look so beautiful out there in the twilight, so strong and confident, when I wasn’t sure I could even walk that far by myself.
Rage flowed through my veins, the helpless feeling of anguish that caused me to lash out like an overgrown toddler who didn’t even possess the strength to do any damage to his environment.
I was thirty-five years old, I had a lifetime of pain and shame to look forward to, and I had no one to blame but myself.
“Coop, do me a favor,” Gene said. “Stay clear of the scene until we’ve got these guys, all right? They’re monsters, both of them.”
“My story will help, I’m sure of it. I just want some shots of the area to give the piece some gravity?—”
“Please, Cooper. I’ve got enough to worry about with Walter and Dee Dee right now. I can’t guarantee your safety, and Sam will kick my ass if I let you go off half-cocked.”
I laughed. “Please, Gene. When do I ever go off anywhere short of fully cocked?”
“Fuck off,” he said, but his laugh was tired, raspy, as if he’d aged a hundred years since I’d had drinks with him and Sam two weeks prior. “I’m dead fucking serious.” All humor was gone from his face.
That should have been enough to stop me, but I’d been pushing the envelope for years, even more so since the debacle with one Dennis Hamilton. I didn’t need anyone. I’d be so fucking good at my job that no one would deny me or reject me ever again, not professionally, and definitely not in my personal life.
Besides, there’d been the potential for information about the carnival in the venture, and that took away my rational thought.
Hot, angry tears slipped down my cheeks and into my beard. I shook my head to clear away the painful memories.
How could I have been so stupid?
Part of not wanting to see anyone after the incident at Buttonwillow was that I couldn’t take theI told you so’s or the pitiful looks. Seeing Sam would be a reminder that I would never again have the career she and I used to dream of back when we first started. We’d planned to take the LA news scene by storm, eventually moving on to prime time and maybe even our own show on MSNBC or a ratings monster likeDateline. But then she got the baby bug and they moved to Bakersfield. I decided to go in a different direction; if I couldn’t have my partner, I’d go the Anderson Cooper solo route.
Seeing my parents would take me back to my frail teenage days, when they’d had to put me in martial arts classes to keep me from getting my ass beat on a regular basis. I was the smart-mouthed, pretty, funny kid who argued with the teachers. I couldn’t stop myself from ridiculing my peers when they tried to tease me, a habit I paid for on the regular. Not even a nose job after the second time I’d gotten my nose broken cured me. The truth sometimes hurt, but when they couldn’t handle it, they’d take it out on me.
I thought I’d come so far since then, but had I? I’d continued to push and push until it nearly cost me my life.
I looked away from the hot spring as I used my shirt to dry my tears, and when I looked back, Denny wasn’t there. Had he climbed out? Was he that fast that I’d missed him?
Had he passed out?
I waited what felt like forever, and when I didn’t see him, I took off out the back door as fast as I could go—which wasn’t fast at all—calling his name.
He didn’t answer.
