Page 100 of Damian & Jun: Episodes 5-8
Jun groaned into the brutality of Damian’s force. His eyes slid closed, and his mouth kept moving as if Damian were pushing everything out of him that was too much to keep inside. “Mi Hi keeps talking about keeping the fans happy. And Yohei is focused on being professional and planning a solid fresh start. Jaewoong worries about staying respectable in K-pop. Su-jin is being the perfect maknae online. And I…”
He put his head down, gasping a little, trying to speak the things clawing at his insides. “I want to burn it down. I want to sing like I sang at the restaurant but so, so much worse. I don’t want to be good, DaSu. Being good feels like a curse. I was good for my mom when I went to my dad, and I was good for my dad when he left me with Bak, and then I was good for Bak. I’ve been good, and good, and good, and he sold me. He fucking sold me. And now people imply that I should have been good then too.
“Being good is going to kill me. Good people are going to kill me. People will tell you to be good until all the blood in your body is gone. And then they’ll tell you to die good. They’ll write about it in history books, whether you died with dignity, whether you met your fate resigned and calm. I want to fucking scream.”
The rage went out of him. He sagged in Damian’s grip. “I’m sorry, you came for something fun, and I…”
Damian pressed his lips to Jun’s forehead. “And you showed me something real. Something dark. Something beautiful. Entrancing rage.”
“This rage—” Jun shuddered. Fear was trying to take his voice. “What if it drives you away?”
“It won’t. And if it starts to consume you—consume us—I’ll bind it up or tie it down and spank it out of you or wring it from you. I’ll fuck it out of you. Or I’ll turn you loose and watch you burn them down. Scream, Jun. Scream as loud as you need. You can’t scream louder than I’ve wanted to scream. You can’t use words uglier than I’ve uttered. You can’t be angrier than I’ve been angry.”
Jun looked straight into Damian’s eyes. “You want me to scream.”
Damian’s head dipped in a nod. “Scream.”
Jun drew in air, still staring at Damian. Any moment now and Damian would take it back. But no. Damian was steady. His heartbeat under Jun’s palms was steady. He was waiting.
Jun closed his eyes, let his head fall back against the tree, and screamed.
At first, it was just sound, and then it was a beast, twisting inside his chest. He bent forward, turning into a ball inside Damian’s arms, head against Damian’s chest. He wasn’t merely screaming; he was twisting and fighting. The lid was off, and his body had become the turmoil of his mind, writhing and struggling, punching and kicking.
Damian held on. His arms were bands of iron. His chest was a solid wall. His legs were anchored into the forest floor, holding Jun up between himself and the tree. No matter how much Jun bucked and twisted and clawed and roared, Damian was there.
Jun’s throat burned raw. His lungs emptied of air. His arms and legs weakened. The fever burned through. His stomach rolled. He jerked sideways, vomiting to the side over Damian’s arm. His legs let go of Damian’s waist. Damian stepped in, holding him up, helping him stand as he swayed, unsteady.
“I feel sick.”
“Poison like that makes you sick.” Damian steadied him, wiping Jun’s lip with his outer sleeve.
Jun whimpered. It was all gone. For now. He was nothing. Tired. Empty.
Damian bent his knees and picked him up like a child, arms under Jun’s rear.
“I’m heavy,” Jun whispered.
“Yes, you are. That’s why I go to the gym and pick up heavy things every day.”
Jun snorted. As if he knew that this exact moment was going to happen. “Can’t believe you want me.”
“Jun, I’m the wolf they forgot they caged. Only someone like you is going to love someone like me the way I need to be loved.”
And it made sense. All of it. It slotted into place in Jun’s chest, loosened a fear he’d been unwilling to name. “The church.” He sniffed. “That’s your rage. That's you burning it down.”
“Yes. And I’m going to fuck you on that altar.”
Damian
Damian carried Jun halfway back. Jun wiggled down, and they walked hand in hand the rest of the way to the barn. Damian opened the door and let them inside. It was clean on the interior though cold. He flipped on the low wall sconces, leaving off the brighter overhead flood lamps, then punched the button on the space heater, and threw down one of the mattresses stored against the wall. They both drank water in the small bathroom, rehydrating after the run. Jun swished out his mouth.
There were flannel blankets in the cabinets where the tack had once been stored. Damian laid one over the mattress and motioned to Jun to join him. They kicked off their boots and crawled onto the mattress together, pulling two blankets over them. Jun curled up against Damian’s side.
Damian stroked Jun’s head. “I told you about your father impersonating you with a passport, right?”
Jun groaned softly. “Nothing surprises me, not anymore. We all called Yun, asked him about SP4700Y and getting 5N free to perform. We need to make money.”
Damian squeezed Jun closer. “You know I don’t care.”
