Page 75 of Follow the Rhythm
The late afternoon train would get me upstate to the historic resort town my parents had retired to before midnight. Which meant I had a couple of hours to kill before heading to the train station.
Almost against my will, I stared at the wall that my apartment shared with Ellis’s, like I might x-ray through it to see if he was in there. I hadn’t seen him since that intense meeting at the label office. I’d loitered in the hallway outside my apartment a little more than strictly necessary to try to catch him on his way in or out. I was both furious at him for acting like such an ass and anxious about the path of self-destruction he was heading down, and it seemed important to tell him that.
He’s not yours to worry about, I reminded myself.
But if I wasn’t thinking about Ellis, I was thinking about Jess, and that was even more painful.
Why hadn’t I just spit it out? That I wanted to try again, without all this “casual” nonsense? I had no problem being very clear about what I wanted when the stakes were just sex. But now that I wanted more, all my confidence was gone. Why had I even told her I didn’t want anything serious? Pure cowardice? I tried to remember the reasons, but ended up just reading through our old text thread like a lovesick teenager.
I hoped Kieran was sincere about making her happy.
After a few more minutes of scrolling through my phone without focusing on anything, I gave up.
The hallway was empty when I peered out my front door. There was no sound other than my muffled footsteps as I made my way to Ellis’s apartment.
I was leaving in a couple of hours. He probably wouldn’t even be there anyway. There was almost certainly no point at all in trying to talk to Ellis, but I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t try.
I knocked, not expecting an answer. But after just a few moments, he wrenched the door open.
He looked surprised to see me. Unlike the last time I’d knocked on his door, he was fully clothed in gray sweatpants and a probably very expensive t-shirt, which was both a relief and a disappointment. But his black hair was damp, and he was barefoot.
“Oh. I thought you were my food delivery,” he said after a moment.
“No, sorry,” I replied. I tried to summon up the courage that had gotten me out into the hallway. Unlike my last encounter with Jess, I was going to say the words I meant to say to him. “Got a second?”
Ellis raised an eyebrow and let me in. I didn’t know how to start.
“Are you here to give me a bollocking?” he asked after another awkward silence. I wasn’t sure what the phrase meant, but his smug little smile pissed me off.
“You’re an asshole,” I said, startling that smile off his face. “You hurt a lot of people. A bunch of those crew members gave up other gigs to be on the tour, and you fucked it all up. Not to mention treating Grace like shit for no reason other than your stupid ego.”
Ellis looked like I’d slapped him. “Have you finished?”
“No. You need to get your shit together. Because I’ve seen the ending of this story,” I gestured to him, “and it’s not glamorous.”
“What do you know about my story?” he challenged, stepping closer.
“Do you think you’re being original?” I stepped into his space and prodded him in the chest. “Being fucked up doesn’t give you the right to treat other people like shit.”
Ellis grabbed my wrist. “And your daddy issues don’t give you the right to assume you know anything about my life.”
“Fuck you, man.”
“Gladly, but the timing doesn’t seem quite right,” he said archly.
I jerked my wrist from his grasp. “I’m being serious. Call it daddy issues all you want, but I watched him have a stroke in front of thousands of people because he treated himself like shit. I don’t want that for you.”
Ellis’s brilliant blue eyes flicked up to mine. “But what if that’s what I deserve?”
“A public breakdown? No one deserves that,” I said, agitated. I rubbed at the skin of my wrist where he’d touched me.
He didn’t respond, but something in his eyes shut down.
“Why are you pushing everyone away?” I persisted.
Ellis sighed. “Darling, you aren’t my therapist.”
“No, but I’m trying to be your friend,” I said.
