Page 112 of Another Love, Another Time
After everything, I don’t know. Everything is a damn mess. I need to take a step back. “I’m trying to,” I answer, “but every time I feel like we are moving forward, we get pushed back two steps. I’ll try. That’s all I can promise. Loving you should not be this hard. It should not hurt to love you.” I can feel the ache in my chest. My heart wants me to forgive him, but my head tells me I can’t trust him.
“That motherfucker asked you to forgive him. Did you?” He must see it on my face. “You forgave him. How could you do that? Just let him go free? After what he did to you? But you don’t know if you can forgive me.”
Staying calm, I respond, “Watch it. Don’t think that I forgave him instantly. He proved himself.”
He throws his hand out, gesturing into the distance. “What about me, River? I lost five years with you because of him.”
“If you think you lost me because of the attack, you haven't been listening. You lost me because of Melissa and your decision to lie to me about the situation.”
He hangs his head and takes a deep breath. “I know, I know.” He runs his hands down his face. “But I can’t just get over him hurting you. I can’t believe you’ve known all this time, and you haven’t told anyone. Does Baxter know?”
“Yeah, and he keeps in touch with him too,” I respond.
“What?” he snaps. “And Baxter knows what he did to you?”
I nod. “Look, it wasn’t like I woke up one day and was like, ‘Oh, yeah. I’m going to forgive you.’ I kicked this guy’s ass. Like, literally kicked his ass. I did a lot of therapy too. I realized I was in a bad spot. And I just couldn’t hold on to the anger anymore.
“I forgave him for myself, not for him. I hired a PI to check up on him twice a month to make sure he was following through. After he had my email address, he sent me emails occasionally, keeping me up-to-date on his life. I usually didn’t respond, but then he told me he met a girl. I was scared for this girl. I told him I wanted to meet her, and he said she wanted to meet me, so on my next leave, I spent a day with them. I took Baxter with me after I explained to him what was going on.
“JD introduced his girlfriend to me. He had told her everything. He didn’t hide what he had done to me. She wanted to meet me as much as I wanted to meet her. He is now married to this girl, and he treats her like a queen. They have a family. She and I are friends, and we talk regularly. I have told him that if I ever find out that I wasn’t the only one he attacked, I would turn him in.
“He made a horrible decision to do something that hurt me. I decided that I would forgive him after a lot of therapy. He did the work too. Know it was not easy to forgive him. Don’t get me wrong. I know he is the one who attacked me, but I truly believe if someone wouldn’t have provoked him, he would have never done what he did.”
"How do you just do that?” he asks. “I don’t understand how you can forgive him.”
“For a year, I lived in fear. Even with all the training I received, I was still on guard at all times because I didn't trust anyone. I slept with one eye open, just waiting for an attack. The only person I let get close was Baxter, and even then, I wasn’t very vulnerable with him.
“I needed to be able to facemy attacker. I did do that, but you know what? After that, I still didn’t feel any better. The anger was eating me alive. I felt like I was coming out of my skin. I couldn’t trust anyone; I couldn’t trust myself. So, I went to a therapist and asked for help to manage that. The first thing she said was that I needed to forgive him to let go of the anger. I didn’t want to, but I wouldn’t be able to let go without forgiving him. I forgave him for me, not him. That doesn’t mean I have forgotten; it just means I have forgiven him.
“And if I’m being honest, I want to forgive you too. It’s the reason I moved here, but every time I feel like I’m ready to forgive you, something else comes up. My therapist thought itwas a good idea to move here and to face you and everything I ran away from. So yes. I want to forgive. I just don’t think I’m ready.”
“What do I need to do for you to forgive me?” he asks softly.
“Patience and time. I need to figure that out. It’s not going to be one thing. You broke my trust not just once, but multiple times. My heart is telling me to forgive you, but my head wants to push you completely out of my life. I’m struggling. If you want to be with me, you are going to have to prove it over and over again. I don’t know how long it will take me. First, we need to figure out what to do about Melissa.”
“I’ll wait as long as it takes, and I’ll do everything that I can to prove you can trust me.”
“I guess we will see.”
Chapter 36
River
I wake up feeling like a freight truck ran over me. I’m glad Auggie and I have everything out in the open. At least, I do. Who knows if Auggie has told me everything? He says he has.
I rub the sleep out of my eyes. I need coffee. I wonder if Auggie is up yet. Last night, I had to cut our conversation short. It was getting late, and I was maxed out emotionally. I needed a good night’s sleep before we got further into it. We are not even close to being done with our conversation, but I need to make sure he doesn’t say anything about JD to anyone.
I think I can smell coffee. Maybe he’s already up. He stayed in the spare room last night.
I roll out of bed and throw a hoodie on to go with my shirt and sweatpants. Then, I open the door. Auggie glances at me, turns around, grabs another mug, and pours me a cup. He hands it over as I walk into the kitchen. “Thanks.” I blow on it to cool it off and then take the first sip. “Mmm. Heaven.”
“River, we need to finish—”
I hold up my hand and interrupt him. “We have all day to finish our conversation. Let me enjoy this right now.” I take another sip. “The only thing I’m worried about right now is you promising not to tell others who attacked me. I don’t want anyone to ever know. That information stays between us. If you need to talk about it, you to talk to me or Baxter.”
He sighs. “I may not like it, but I’ll respect it. I won’t say anything. I know it doesn’t mean much to you right now, but I give you my word. I won’t say anything.”
He’s right; I don’t trust his word right now, but I need to be able to trust him. God, please don’t let him let me down again.
