Page 37 of We Thought We Knew It All
“You can touch it,” I told her when she hesitated.
“What happened?” Her fingers were light as they felt where the bullet had entered and the surgeons had cut.
Memories of that night flashed through my head, but parts were still blank. I shuddered as it brought up the feelings from another night. They always went hand in hand.
“A little over six months ago, I was shot on a mission.”
Her eyes snapped to mine. “Did it hurt?”
I remembered the searing pain that turned into blackness. “For a split second, but then my body went into shock. I was held for a while, but my team got me out eventually and after a few surgeries, I returned to base.”
“I can’t believe you were going through that and none of us knew.”
I shrugged. “I had my platoon. They were like my family.” She flinched at that and I regretted the term. Once upon a time, her family had been mine as well. “I guess I was just feeling lucky to be alive though. Not everyone got that.”
She looked at me curiously and I found myself telling her about Jessica. The first rule of being in bed with a woman was to never talk about an ex, but the story poured forth and I couldn’t seem to stop myself. Callie had always been easy to talk to.
“Courage made us stupid,” I said. “Jessica wasn’t allowed to be there, in combat. But that was all she’d wanted. She was good too. One of the best. We had intel that our target was in the area and that he was alone, but the intel was old. We didn’t think we’d find him in that house, so we didn’t wait for the rest of our guys to show up.”
She listened in silence, at one point taking my hand in hers and squeezing.
I continued, unable to stop now. “We were exhausted and our cots back at base were calling to us. Two good soldiers died and for some inexplicable reason, I wasn’t one of them.”
When I was finished, her eyes were glassy. I heaved out a breath, and she pulled me closer, letting me bury my face in her shoulder. That day was still so fresh. I shuddered against her.
“I’m so sorry that happened.” She stroked my hair.
She curled back against my side and I savored her warmth after the chill of the story had sunk into my bones.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
She hesitated. “Did you love her?”
The question was fair. I’d asked the same thing about Dylan even though her answer had hurt. Jessica’s fierce gaze filled my head. She’d been as strong as any man in the company and also kind and bright. She hadn’t deserved to die.
But I hadn’t been in love with her, despite trying my hardest to make it so. She’d deserved more.
“No,” I finally answered. “I wanted to love her. More than anything. After she died, the guilt nearly killed me too. It made me reckless. It got me shot.”
We fell into silence, a nice, simple morning had turned heavy with emotion.
Callie turned in my arms and rose over me. Without a word, she bent to kiss the shoulder that had ended my military career. The irony was that it had also brought me back to her. Without the injury, I wouldn’t have left base.
“I can’t go back,” I whispered.
“What?” She pushed her hair behind her ears.
“Nerve damage.” I flexed my fingers, feeling them tighten and strain. “I’m done.”
I turned my face away so she wouldn’t see the pain in my eyes at those words. Being a Ranger had given me more than I’d ever have imagined. It gave me purpose. Who was I without a mission?
“Jamie.” She placed her hands against my cheeks to turn me back to her. “Are you telling me that you’re staying?”
“Honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing.”
A smile graced her lips, and she bent to press them against mine. Her next words vibrated against my lips. “I think I’m still in love with you.”
