Page 34 of Kissing the Debutant
“No. Again. I don’t move on until I perfect a new move.”
We’re going to be here for months.Jack watched as she ran through the sequence again and again, slowly improving until she stuck the first landing and managed to finish the sequence without falling.
“That was awesome.” Jack clapped.
“No, it wasn’t,” she snapped.
“You’re too hard on yourself, Lil.”
“I have to be. The competition never lets up, so neither do I.” She stopped long enough to take a sip from her water bottle.
“When was the last time you had fun dancing?”
“It’s not about fun, Jack. It’s about being good at something and giving it your all.”
Jack sank down to the mat, patting the space opposite him.
With a shrug, Lillian joined him on the mat after a few stretches to cool down her muscles.
“Why do you do it?”
“What? Dance?” She tilted her head in confusion.
“Yes, why do you put yourself through such intense training if you don’t love it?”
“It’s not that I don’t love it.” She brushed her hair back from her face and twisted it up in a loose bun on top of her head. “It’s more about owing it to myself and the talent I have to see how far I can go.”
“Then tell me, what you do enjoy about ballet?”
“I love the beauty and grace of it. I like that I’m good at it.”
“You’re just not sure about a career in it.” He could tell by the look on her face that he’d struck a nerve. “That’s not a bad thing, you know.” Jack wondered if anyone had ever told her she didn’t have to pursue ballet just because she happened to be phenomenal at it.
“Tell that to my mother,” Lillian scoffed. “She made it all the way to the American Ballet Company, had a successful career for a few years until an injury forced her into an early retirement. I think she married my father because she didn’t know what else to do with herself but settle down and have a family.”
It was the most Lillian had opened up to him since he’d met her, and Jack didn’t want her to stop.
“And she wants you to have what she didn’t.”
“I think that’s what she used to want,” Lillian said with a far-off look in her eye. “I don’t remember a time where dancing wasn’t part of my life. My mom swears I started dancing before I could even walk very well.” A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “I loved dancing with my mother when I was a kid. She was the best teacher. We laughed so much, and she was so patient. It was fun then. But then I think she realized I had the talent to go all the way, and it turned into something else.”
“It wasn’t fun anymore.”
“No. Not that. Not really. I guess it just wasn’t fun in the same way it used to be when I was little. I miss that sometimes.”
“You know what I think?” Jack pulled his knee up, leaning against it with his elbow.
“No, but I’m a hundred percent sure you’re going to tell me.” Lillian smiled.
“I think you just need to cut loose and try to find the version of you who loved dancing and laughing with her mom. And until you can find that part of yourself, you probably shouldn’t make any life-altering choices about which path to take. Dancing or college. You’re the only one who can make that decision for yourself.”
“You keep telling me to relax and loosen up and have fun, but I’m just not… sure I know how to do that.” She flushed pink from the tops of her cheeks to the roots of her hair. “I’ve been so serious for so long.”
“Then there’s only one thing we can do,” Jack said, his expression serious.
“What?” she asked.
“I think it’s time for a night out at Down Under.”
