Page 47 of Don't Forget Me
Even after a week of whatever it was they were doing, she was shy. Maybe it was because in every other season of life, the men important to her let her down, and now, when the end was inevitable, it was easier to keep herself from falling in too deep.
If that was possible.
Nick’s lips tugged down in his trademark frown. He wasn’t as free with his smiles as she was, but that was okay. His grumpiness was a defense mechanism, just like her smiles were for her.
Both made others uneasy, kept them from looking too deep.
Until now.
Because Elizabeth wanted him to look deep. She wanted him to see every part of her without her having to explain what happens to a person when they face cancer as a teenager, without having his pity overpower everything else.
She wanted the cancer to be only one part of who she was, not the entire point of her being.
Nick didn’t touch her, but his eyes connected them, syncing their breaths as the dock bobbed in the water. Moments like this didn’t exist in the real world.
“Tell me something no one else knows,” she whispered. “Tell me a secret.”
His eyes darkened, but he didn’t look away as his lips parted. “I don’t think I’ve ever truly loved anyone other than my brother. Now, I’m not sure I’m capable.”
It was a confession that should have hurt her, reminding herself how limited a time they had, that this would never be more than what it was. Instead, all she wanted to do was reach out to him, to make him see she understood.
Turning onto her side, she faced him. “Want to hear my confession?”
He nodded.
“I want to fall in love. More than anything. There have been men I thought I loved, but I was wrong. Now, I don’t know if I believe true love exists. The one thing I want isn’t something I believe in.”
“Liz…” Nick inched closer. “If it did exist, I have no doubt you’d find it. Because you’re the type of woman a man looks for his entire life.”
“Just not you.” She didn’t know what made her say the words, but they were true.
“Does that bother you? That I can’t bring myself to love anyone?”
She shook her head, realizing that was the truth. “Does it bother you I don’t believe in it?”
“No.” He leaned in, nuzzling his face against hers, his breath warm on her skin. “But it does make me sad. One day, you’ll find someone who loves you so much it hurts.”
“I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
He smiled. “It’ll be a good kind of pain. He’ll want to be with you no matter the cost. This guy… he won’t be only in your coma dreams, and he won’t be emotionally unavailable. Instead, you’ll get every part of him.” He trailed kisses over her cheek, reaching her ear. “And you’ll forget about the guy you met when the world faded to black.”
“Impossible.”
Yet, neither of them knew what would happen when they woke, if these memories would be just another thing they lost.
He kissed her then, and she swallowed the words that could keep them further apart.
After their day outside, both Nick and Elizabeth showered. She put a spaghetti squash in the oven for dinner and then found him in the study.
She leaned against the doorframe, wanting to appear like she was coyly watching him but feeling awkward instead.
Most people thought she had confidence to spare, that she didn’t doubt herself with every word she spoke, but that was how she had to act, the mask she wore. Sort of like Nick’s jerk mask.
Her self-consciousness was hidden behind smiles and pretty words about hope and faith. It was what people wanted to see, what they wanted to hear. Sure, they knew she’d been sick for so much of her life, but they didn’t want to feel like she was sick. When they’d asked how she was, they didn’t want the truth.
It was her job to make them feel better about her illness, an illness she was scared would return every moment, every hour, every day.
It had created this false world where she wasn’t sure of her own feelings most of the time.
