Page 72 of Only ever you-Ana & Byron
She saw him open his mouth to speak, but lifted her hand.
"Please, let me finish."
She took a breath that seemed to cost her.
"When I got back from Saudi, all I could think about was how stupid I'd been. How I'd wasted so much time being scared of my feelings. I was going to come find you. If you hadn't shown up at Cadi's that day, I would have come to you myself."
Her eyes shimmered.
"But I didn't think we'd last. I thought you'd get bored of me. So, I waited. One month became two. Then a year. Every time I thought about telling you the truth, it just felt... bigger. Harder to get out. I guess I thought... I hoped it would all just go away."
Ana let out a shaky breath.
"And I didn't want to trap you. Or hurt you. I thought, if we broke up, you wouldn't have to carry the weight of all of this. I was trying in my own stupid way to protect you. And in the process, I lied. I'm sorry."
She met his eyes at last, openly vulnerable.
"I understand if this is too much. If you don't want the baby. If you don't want me. I should have told you a long time ago. I was just afraid. I'm still afraid. But I'm sorrier than I can ever say."
***
Chapter thirty
Chapter 29
Byron sat back, his chest heaving like he had just finished a particularly difficult match.
His jaw was tight; one hand curled into a fist on the arm of the sofa. Ana watched him as her hair slipped out of the messy bun.
Byron had his bright hazel eyes on Ana while she was speaking, but now he was looking down at his hands.
Ana couldn't sit still. She felt like her life depended on what he would say over the next few minutes. It felt like hours, though it couldn't have been more than five minutes.
He suddenly stood and started pacing, hands locked behind his head, still not looking at her. After another 5 minutes, he stopped and plonked himself down across from her, deliberately not next to her. Ana felt her heart sink, like this was the beginning of the end. His intent unblinking gaze pierced her. In spite of the chill in the air, a bead of sweat trickled down her spine.
When he didn't speak, she couldn't keep it in any longer.
"Say something, Byron," she pleaded in a whisper.
He looked up at last. When he spoke, there was such fury in his voice that Ana wanted to run... again
"Why, eh? You didn't say what you needed to tell me for almost FIVE FUCKIN' YEARS and I can't even have a proper go at you 'til we're outta t'woods."
Ana flinched, then realised he said "we," not "you". Still WE, not YOU. She tried to speak. "I know I was wrong"
"Oh, you bloody well were!"
He cut her off with a sharp edge. "You don't know what I've been thinkin', keepin' it all to myself. She still don't trust me... I'm not smart enough... Why don't she wanna have kids?... Does she just not wanna have 'em with me?... Why don't she wanna tell everyone we're together...Is she ashamed o' me?...I don't think I've ever second guessed myself like I have over the last few years... but that's not t'point. You could've died. Died. Am I right? And you still kept goin' on these missions."
Ana's voice trembled, "It was supposed to be a peaceful meeting-I didn't think..."
"You didn't think it'd turn into something like Black Hawk Down, eh? And why wouldn't you tell me? Or Cadi? Or yer dad, did they know, just not me?"
"No," Ana whispered. "I just... I just knew you and Cadi and Gray would push me to do the op, and you'd have been right. I couldn't imagine being paralysed, not being able to be with you like I wanted to be, not being able to walk on the street or run or play with Tomos-being chained to a bed, breathing through a tube... that's like death to me."
Byron's anger softened. "I'd've respected yer decision, Ana. Just like you should have respected my right to be with you while you made that decision. You did not have the right to take that from me."
"I know," she choked out. "I was just terrified, and you've every right to hate me. You are wrong, Byron, I do trust you. I was a coward... not to tell you"
