Page 50 of Stick to the Plan
“Ok,” his voice is slow and measured, “shared files get messed up all the time. The off-line backup is a good idea. Maybe an engineer overwrote the file? Are you sure you have the right version? Maybe you made a mistake.”
My stomach drops and my chest feels tight as I jump up from the lounger and pace towards the pool. He doesn’t believe me. This is why I said nothing before. Breathe, Brianna. Two deep breaths. I grip my hands into fists and whirl to face Colin.
“You’re not listening. My files don’t getmessed up. You’ve seen how careful I am with project records. I’ve been twice as vigilant on this project! Something weird is going on, Colin. I think it might have to do with the patent interference.“ I let out another shaky breath, begging him with my eyes to hear me. “This is an inside job. I feel it in my gut.”
Colin’s face is carefully blank, but his eyes pinch with concern. He stands from the lounger and slowly approaches me. His hands gently stroke my tense arms reassuringly and he wears a sincere expression as he places a tender kiss on my forehead. “You’ve been under a lot of stress. Just take a few breaths and calm down.”
My breath rushes out. Bands of anxiety tighten around my chest. My heart pounds. Each breath is harder and faster than the last. It feels like someone has replaced the oxygen with acid. Every muscle in my body tenses painfully. My eyes sting with mounting tears and I feel like I’m going to throw up. My skin is hot and tight, like I’mabout to explode.
“No,” I practically yell as I shrug out of his hands and step closer to the pool and further out of reach. “Don’t patronize me. My job is to worry. All the time. Keep everything organized and remove every obstacle before you engineers realize they’re there. You have no idea what it’s like as a woman in a male dominated industry. I have to work twice as hard to be taken seriously, just to make 20% less money than my male coworkers. And most of them are half as qualified, too.”
I aggressively swipe at the angry tears escaping down my cheeks. “And god forbid I show any sort of emotion at work. If I were a man, I’d be called focused, but as a woman, I’mthe Ice Queen. If I step up to drive results, I’m a bitch whereas a man is called assertive. So I smile and bury all the shit deep and don’t let them see my cracks. Society has a million expectations for me - and most of them conflict! I play the game, I keep my head up. Every minute of every day. It’s fucking exhausting.”
By the end of my speech, I’m trembling and my voice is shaking. I turn towards the waterfall, willing the sounds to soothe me.
Colin steps in front of me, his eyes wide with surprise. One hand reaches out to touch my arm. “You’re right, I don’t know what it’s like. If you just calm down…”
Before another word can leave his lips, I lose my tenuous hold on the anxiety attack that’s been spiraling through me. I let out a scream and shake my hands in front of me to stop his reach.
Colin takes a step back to avoid my flailing. I close my eyes and let out another screech. A shout hardly even registers in my mind, but the splash of cold water on my feet shocks me from my chaotic thoughts.
I open my eyes to find myself alone. My lungs are still heaving with great breaths, hungry for oxygen. I look around just as Colin clears the surface of the pool with a gasp. I cover my open mouth with my hand as I stare at a very wet Colin.
The shock snapsthe last tendrils of anxiety holding my thoughts hostage. “Oh my god, did I push you in? I’m so sorry.” I rush over to the towel bin and then to the pool stairs to meet him.
Colin slowly wades to the stairs, the weight of his sodden clothes an obvious hindrance. His face unreadable, water drips out of his curls and traces the harsh planes of his nose and cheekbones. His white dress shirt is now sheer, and it clings to every dip and curve of his muscled chest.
My own Mr. Darcy emerging from the lake. A warmth spreads in my belly at the sight of him. So not the time.
His eyes smolder. He keeps walking towards me. Slowly, more of his drenched frame emerges. Like the shirt, his dress slacks mold to his body, leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination.
I step closer to the edge to hand him the towel. I bite my trembling lip to stop myself from laughing as the absurdity hits me. An indelicate snort escapes. Colin raises an eyebrow at me. The tension snaps, and I burst out laughing. Great gusts of laughter that leave me bent over, clutching my stomach.
“That’s it.” Colin darts forward and grabs me around the thighs to haul me backwards into the pool.
“NO! Colin, stop it. I said I was sorry! It was an accident!”
The cold water is already up to my knees. I balance myself on his strong shoulders and toss the towel back to the patio to save it from the soak I’m about to get. With two hands now free, I weave my arms around his neck so he can’t throw me.
Taking a deep breath, Colin flops back under the water and brings me down with him. As we resurface, I cling to his neck with one arm as I push the sodden hair out of my face with the other hand.
Colin can stand this deep in the water, but I’m struggling. His arm snakes around my back to hold me up. Automatically, I wrap my legs around his waist and hug him tighter with my arms.
He tries to give me a stern look, but the growing bulge pressing against my throbbing center is undeniable proof he’s not mad. I give him my best innocent look and am rewarded with his slow grin and a chuckle. He cups my cheek with his free hand and gives me a tender kiss on the lips.
With a content sigh, I lay my head on his shoulder and cuddle him. I can feel his pulse against my forehead. I breathe deeply in time with the steady rhythm as my racing heart calms. He locks his arm around my hips, keeping me close. The other hand rubs my back in a soothing, slow pattern.
As I count my breaths, I stroke my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck until I can feel the last traces of the panic attack dissipate. “You should never say ‘just calm down’ to a woman having a panic attack. Or really anyone.”
He clutches me closer. “I’m sorry - that came out wrong. The rest of the sentence was going to be ‘we can sit down and talk it through’. Maybe I should have started with that part.”
I give him another indelicate snort and pull his hair slightly, which makes him chuckle.
“I never meant I didn’t believe you. I’m an engineer,a ghrá, I tend to try to fix things. Starting with ruling out the most logical explanations first. I’m sorry my words were careless. You are exceptional at what you do. I’ve met no man, or woman, as clever. Or anyone with such a talent for keeping engineers on time! You are a force of nature, my Brianna girl. Joe from legal also said he thought this was suspicious, so you are not alone at all.”
I snuggle deeper into his neck, letting his words soothe my insecurities. I know what I bring to the table, but sometimes it’s overwhelming fightingfor the least I deserve. Sometimes, my inner voice is a real bitch. She tells me I’m not enough. If I was prettier, or smarter, or softer, I’d get what I want. The guy wouldn’t cheat. The promotion would be mine. My father wouldn’t have left. I know it’s all bullshit. But knowing something and truly believing it in your heart are two different things.
“I’m sorry I pushed you into the pool,” I mumble.
