Page 156 of The Single Dads Club
Silence.
“Cupcake?” I pleaded, my voice softening. “Please.”
The lock turned. I didn’t wait for her to open the door. I pushed it aside and was suddenly face-to-face with her in the tiny stall. The dark circles beneath her eyes told me she might not be faring as well as she was letting on. I traced a single fingertip over the hollow under her eye. “You sure you’ve been okay?”
She swallowed, stiffening under my touch. “I can’t do this again, I’m sorry.”
“I am too.” I cupped her jaw, leaning closer to place a soft kiss against her mouth.
She let out a tiny whimper, and a pulse of desire shot straight down my spine. God, why did I have to fuck things up with her? She was perfect. She hadn’t yet pushed me away so I leaned in again and met her mouth, this time parting her lips to taste her. My tongue sought hers out, not satisfied until she returned my kiss. She might have been mad at me, but her body still responded like I remembered—sensual and needy. Fuck, I was already hard. I pushed my hips into hers, pinning her against the wall and brushed my erection up against her belly.
She brought her hands to my chest and pushed me back. “I can’t.” Her voice was weak, but her eyes were determined.
I wanted to push her, and knew I probably could. But she’d hate me even more in the morning if I did that. “What can I do?” I asked.
“There’s nothing you can do.” She stepped around me and left the stall, leaving me rock hard and sorely disappointed at the sight of her walking away from me yet again.
* * *
Why my bed suddenly felt so cold and empty without Alexa was beyond me. I normally had no trouble sleeping, typically falling into bed completely exhausted after a long day at work and sleeping soundly until my alarm sounded in the morning. Now I lay in bed, watching the blades of my ceiling fan turn, wondering if I’d done the right thing lettingher walk away. I didn’t know if she would have listened if I’d tried to stop her. And hell, putting myself in her shoes, I would not be okay with her shooting porn—even the pretend fake humping I’d done. It’d been wrong. And worse, it had hurt Alexa. How could I expect her to forgive me when I couldn’t even forgive myself for what I’d done?
Since Alexa had been gone, food had lost its flavor. Days blended into weeks. And it felt like I couldn’t do a single thing right when it came to Lily anymore. I had no idea what was so difficult about making meatballs, but Lily made sure to point out I was doing it wrong—that this wasn’t how Lexa did it—with that, and with other things too. Everything I did was wrong these days.
My one attempt at letting Alexa know I was still thinking of her was met with silence. The idea struck me when I’d passed by the bakery she and Lily liked. I’d bought a single white cupcake topped with a thick layer of pink frosting and I’d had it gift wrapped and delivered to her at the hospital. The card had simply readI miss you, cupcake.
My house felt empty and cold without her in it. Lily noticed it too, I know she did, but we both forged on, despite the crushing weight of Alexa’s loss. I alternated my time between work and the gym, needing an escape from my own house after Lily went to bed. The memories of sitting with Alexa after putting Lily to bed were too much. I could barely look at my damn couch without remembering all the naughty things we’d done together in that very spot. The mindless activity of pushing my muscles to the limit dispelled the swirling thoughts of her, if only for a little while. As soon as I was alone in the silence of the shower after my workout, she’d pop into my mind. Her sweet scent, her big blue eyes and her mischievous crooked smile was all I saw. Alexa, my gorgeous, incredible, amazing cupcake who somewhere along the way had become my whole world, and stupidly, I’d let her slip right through my fingers.
I let the hard spray of water beat down my back, and grabbed the bar of soap. I washed my chest, under my arms, and my stomach, before my hands trailed lower. With thoughts of Alexa occupying my brain, my cock jumped to life.Don’t do it, man,I warned. I didn’t want to jerk myself off to the memory of her slipping down on her knees and flicking her wicked little tongue out to taste me before sucking me deep into the cavern of her warm mouth. The memory was too much. But I couldn’t help it. I pictured her sweet face, that lush mouth full of me, and the way she whimpered whenever I uttered a dirty endearment to her. My soapy hand found my shaft and began pumping. Hard and fast, needing release from the haunting memories of her.
I leaned one hand against the shower wall, the spray of water pounding against my body, and I closed my eyes. “Lex,” I whispered as the hot jets erupted from me and fell to the tiled floor.
I needed to make this right.
I needed to get back my girl.
Chapter 21
Alexa
Fall passed quickly and by the first snowfall in December, my heart had begun to heal, though I knew I’d never forget Cade. Or Lily, for that matter. I still missed them both terribly, but my pride wouldn’t let me contact him. He’d made his choice and it was a choice that couldn’t include me. In some aspects, it was the same pattern I’d experienced growing up. My dad chose work over family, and my mom chose her social activities over me way too many times to count. Only with Cade’s choice to take that job, the betrayal was that much more devastating.
Over the past few weeks, I’d somehow fallen into the routine of actively dating Peter. Maybe it was because he was easy to be around and alleviated the feeling of being alone, or maybe because it made my mother so ridiculously happy, but whatever the reason, I was now going out with him several times a week. He’d taken me horseback riding and out for casual brunches and fancier dinners. He’d even come to a Sunday dinner at the club at my mother’s insistence. Her enthusiasm for him was over the top.
I spent the Christmas holiday in Aspen with my parents, skiing, eating too much and visiting the spa. It was a nice holiday, but of course, even there—halfway across the country—I couldn’t keep my thoughts from Cade and Lily. Especially after he sent me a cupcake along with a note that stated he missed me the week before I left. I spent the first several days in Aspen glued to my cell phone, sure he was going to call. But the call never came. Perhaps the holidays and first snowfall of the year had made him sentimental, that was all.
Yet I found myself lying in bed awake at night, wondering if I should have sent Lily a gift for Christmas, or if Cade cooked them Christmas dinner. For some reason, it depressed me to think of the two of them sitting around his small kitchen table with a meal of scrambled eggs and chicken wings. I wondered if they liked lobster, which was what my parents and I had. It didn’t matter. I needed to get them out of my head. When I returned from Aspen, I would throw myself back into my regular routine, including seeing Peter again. Everything would be okay somehow. It had to be.
* * *
Tonight was the first Saturday I’d been home since I returned from Aspen and Peter had arranged for us to see a matinee performance of The Nutcracker and was due to pick me up at any minute.
I dressed in a merlot-colored sweater dress, heather-gray tights and my brown knee-high boots, leaving my hair down around my shoulders. I watchedfrom the front window for Peter’s car. I usually jogged out to meet him at the curb, since I preferred not to have him alone in my apartment. Though I liked spending time with him, I wasn’t ready to go anywhere near the physical side of things again, with him or anyone else. From what I’d learned with my short fling with Cade, sex complicated things. But so far, Peter had been very patient, settling for quick goodnight pecks in his car when he dropped me off.
When he arrived, I slid into his Lexus, and he leaned across the console and gave my cheek a quick kiss. “You look nice. How was Aspen?”
“It was good. Lots of time on the slopes with my dad and lots of spa time with my mom.” I left it at that because it felt a little strange talking to Peter about my parents since he worked for my dad, but he didn’t press for details. He was dressed in a chunky cable knit sweater, and I couldn’t help but snicker. It wasn’t the kind of thing a man would pick out and had to be a Christmas gift from his mom or something. I settled back in my seat and tried to relax and enjoy the day for what it was. I still hadn’t gotten used to his car’s new-car smell. It overwhelmed my senses, like he was pumping it in through the vents.
We drove in silence toward the theatre, and I found myself yawning. The sleepless nights over the past few weeks had caught up with me. “Do you mind if we stop for a coffee before the show?”
