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I did, but I didn’t know how to. It wasn’t like he could apologize for being honest… I wanted him to be honest with me, the problem was that the truth was hard to handle.
“Do you want to talk to Bruce?” he asked.
I actually did. Despite how insane Bruce’s methods were, he had a way to make me understand myself better.
“Yeah… but I don’t have a session with him until Wednesday,” I said.
“I’m sure he’ll talk to you if you reach out,” Gabriel speculated.
“Maybe. Or maybe we could just finish what we started,” I suggested, hoping that if we could be physical, we could somehow get past this.
“You want to have sex?” he asked with obvious surprise.
I gave a small nod.
“Wow… I didn’t expect that.”
“You don’t want to?” I asked nervously.
“Yeah… but something weird is going on between us and I was thinking we should talk it through. I’m still mad at you for leaving me without explaining why.”
I wanted to reach out and touch him but some immense force inside me held back – afraid of a potential rejection.
“Cia, tell me how you feel about me,” Gabriel said and moved closer, looking intently into my eyes.
I cleared my throat. This noon he had told me he loved me and I wasn’t stupid. I knew he was hoping to hear the same from me.
“You are the first person to love me,” I said in a small voice.
He didn’t speak but took my hand and waited for me to continue.
“I’ve never loved anyone or used those words with anyone. They feel alien to me. Like something that has to do with other people, but not me.”
“But I do love you,” Gabriel repeated and it made me look away. There were so many things I wanted to say and questions I wanted to ask. Like “Why do you love me?” But I had no voice and sat quietly with tears flowing down my face.
“Oh, sugar,” Gabriel said and pulled me into his lap. And then he kissed me, hot and hungry, and I kissed him back, expressing everything I couldn’t say in words.
His hands were almost shaking when he undressed me and his eyes were burning with fire. He wanted me. His entire being was hungry for me. I didn’t need a psychic to tell me that.
I wanted him too and zipped down his pants, letting my hand slide inside. He was hard as a rock, and when I struggled to get his jeans and briefs off him he lifted me up into his arms and carried me into the bedroom, where he let me down on the bed. I sat hypnotized and watched him undress and stand completely naked in front of me.
This gorgeous man had declared his love for me. For some unknown reason he was blinded and saw something in me that no one else saw, not even me.
He was beautiful, strong, kind, funny, and generous, and being with him was like winning the freaking lottery. But everyone knows that when poor people win the lottery they do stupid things and always end up losing all the money again. It would be the same with me. I would end up losing Gabriel, and I couldn’t bear the thought.
Gabriel moved up on the bed and crawled over to kiss me. I clung to him and kissed him back feeling like this might be the last time I got to hold him.
He got a condom and while he took me missionary style, he kept whispering that he wanted me and that he loved me. My eyes were closed the whole time but I couldn’t hide the tears that were falling down my temples.
I love you too and I want you too…for always.It was right there in my mind, but the words wouldn’t come.
When he came, I squeezed him tight with my legs around his hips. A part of me wished that there was no condom and that he would bind me to him with a child. Maybe then he would stay with me, but as quick as the thought entered my mind, just as quickly it made me nauseated. It was just another reminder that I alone would never be enough to keep his interest.
Gabriel and I didn’t talk much that night. Things were better after the sex – at least we were comfortable touching each other – but I knew we hadn’t solved anything and that under the surface there were still hurt and unresolved emotions, that would most likely come back to bite us in the ass. Turns out, I was right.
