Page 136 of Black
“That’s what I said. You only want the pretty version of me.”
“That’s not true. I’ve seen you in awful clothes at the camp and still felt attracted to you.”
“But you can’t accept me as Black.”
“Seeing you like that makes me feel like a failure.”
“Why?”
“Because that darkness represents your past… and I wanted to be your future.” Words hung in the air… Gabriel’s eyes grew moist and he swallowed, making his Adam’s apple move several times. “I wanted to marry you and give you the life you deserve,” he whispered.
I could hear my heart beat and feel water rise in my eyes. I should look away, but I couldn’t.
“I trusted you, and you broke that trust,” I whispered.
“How? I never lied to you. You always knew I didn’t like that look on you. I still don’t. You can trust that.”
“But you hurt me.”
“I was angry and upset. I would have apologized sooner if you would have only talked to me, Cia, but you cut me off, as if what we had didn’t mean much. LikeIdidn’t mean anything to you at all.” A tear started running down his cheek and he dried it away with annoyance. “Do you have any idea how much that hurt?
“I asked you to marry me, I told you I loved you… and one single mistake made you give up on me.”
“You meant everything to me,” I protested and blinked away tears too.
“Apparently not, or you would have fought for what we had.”
“But…” I was confused and affected by the sadness on his face.
“So I’m a flawed man who doesn’t always think before I speak. And maybe it’s an imperfection that I prefer you in feminine clothes compared to black military boots and pants. But how can you blame me for judging you when clearly you judge me just as harshly?”
I wanted to argue that he was wrong… that I didn’t judge him… but I couldn’t.
The contradiction in my head was that I wanted him to be open-minded and take me as I was… Black or Cia. But that I wouldn’t accept his narrow-minded behavior suddenly stood out as hypocrisy.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered. “I cut you off when I should have talked to you about what happened.”
“Well, talk to me now… I need to understand what made you dress that way.”
I lifted my shoulders in a small shrug. “I don’t know. It was an impulsive act. Maybe I thought I looked more like an eccentric artist in that outfit, but I certainly didn’t do it to hurt you or push you away from me.”
“Didn’t you stop to think about the signals you were sending me?” he wanted to know.
“No.” I lowered my head, ashamed that I hadn’t considered how he would interpret my clothes as a personal failure.
Gabriel reached out and took my hand. “Cia,” he said and I lifted my gaze to meet his. “Did you ever love me?”
Someone was squeezing my chest and making it hard for me to breathe and those damn tears came dripping out of my eyes without permission.
“Did you?” he repeated.
It took everything to push out the word. “Yes.”
“You loved me?” He broke into a sad smile.
“Yes,” I confirmed and we both stood there like a pair of sissy-pants sniffling up our tears when he leaned in and hugged me.
He was holding me in a tight hug and I placed my arms around his waist and hugged him back.God, I’ve missed him so much.
