Page 77 of Black
CHAPTER 12
Facing Tina
Cia
It came as a shock when Bruce told me my mom was on her way. How he had managed to locate and contact her in less than a day, let alone convince her to come all this way to do a therapy session with me, was beyond my comprehension.
I threw a small tantrum out of fear, and Bruce took me on a walk and talk in the forest to help me calm down. Half an hour later, I had told him the same story I told Gabriel about the events that led me to run away.
Bruce didn’t say much, but listened and stroked my shoulder when I cried too much to talk.
He suggested I use the waiting time until she arrived to channel my emotions into my art, and promised over and over that facing my mom was the right thing to do.
I painted a picture of a glass, two pills, and a Coca-Cola bottle and called my paintingBetrayal.
At four o’clock that afternoon, Gabriel came into the cabin. “Your mom has arrived… She’s here,” he said and looked as serious as I was frightened. Luckily he didn’t ask me if I was ready to face her, because my answer would surely have been a big fat “no.” He just took my hand and led me into the main building toward Bruce’s office.
Before we entered he pulled me close and whispered. “I’m here for you. You can do this, precious. Place the blame where it belongs.”
I wanted to say something funny or sarcastic, but my brain was frozen in fear and I would much rather have entered a cave full of bats and spiders than walk into that office.
There was a last moment when we looked deep into each other’s eyes and simultaneously took a long deep breath before Gabriel opened the door.
And there she was.
My mom, sitting in a chair looking straight at me.
I wanted to back away, but Gabriel gently nudged me forward and held out a chair for me.
I sat and kept my gaze fixed on the glass of water in front of me. I had to calm my pounding heart before I found the strength to look at her.
This woman was my mother but I felt no love for her. Only anger and contempt. She was still an attractive woman although she looked older than her thirty-nine years.
Bruce cleared his voice.
“Tina and Darcia, I’m very proud of you both for trusting in me to facilitate this meeting. I want to stress that the desired outcome for this session isn’t to reunite you, although if you choose to do so that is entirely up to you. The goal is to help Cia confront you, Tina, and to find as much peace as she can with her past. You, Tina, have agreed to listen without judgment or interference and you, Cia, will get a chance to have honest answers to any question you might have.”
Tina was looking at Gabriel, who sat beside me and held my hand. Bruce must have noticed it too, because he introduced them. “Tina, before we start I want to introduce you to Gabriel, who is the stepbrother of Cia’s father and has supported Cia throughout her time here at the center. “
Gabriel inclined his head to her, but his gaze was frigid. She nodded back.
“Tina, you asked if you could start by saying a few words to Cia.” He turned to me. “Cia, when your mom talks in a minute I want you to write down her words on the paper in front of you. You don’t need to say anything, just write down as much as you can.”
I grabbed the pen in front of me and focused on the paper. In a way, it was nice that I didn’t have to look at her, I just had to scribble down.
“Go ahead, Tina.”
“Well… Ehhm,” Tina cleared her throat a few times. “What I wanted to say was just that I’m really glad to see you again and that I’ve missed you like… a lot.” She exhaled in a long deep sigh. “I was so happy when Dr. Bruce called me and asked me to help you, because if I can do anything to help you, I will.”
I didn’t look up.
“I know you probably don’t like me very much,” she continued. “But I want you to know that even though I’m not the best mother, I always loved you and I still do.”
I wrote as fast as I could, putting her words down on paper.
“I want to apologize for all the things that happened in your childhood and especially for blaming you for everything that was wrong in my life. I’m in a much better place now and have stopped drinking… I’m doing a twelve-step program with AA and taking responsibility for my actions, and I would like to ask for your forgiveness and make amends if possible.”
When her words registered I put the pen down and lifted my head to look at her. She looked at me full of hope.
