Page 80 of The Seducer
“Ahh, I see.” I nodded my head. “So to sum it up, you two are opposites. She is terrible at showing results, but amazing at selling herself. While you can deliver the results, but you can’t sell yourself.”
“Yes, that’s it! Sometimes I get so frustrated that it’s hard to be my normal sweet self.”
“I understand. So let’s talk about your personal boundaries. Would you say that you’re good at setting them?”
She shook her head.
“No, it doesn’t sound like it. But I’m going to help you by giving you a simple rule to remember. Are you ready?” I asked and turned to the audience. “By the way, this rule is for everyone who was raised to be sweet, okay?”
Heads were bobbing when I held up my hand and spoke loud and clearly. “It’s better to be kind than sweet.”
Many exchanged confused looks so I explained. “Setting your boundaries in a firm but kind way is much better than giving a sweet yes that isn’t heartfelt and will result in resentment on your part. You see, sweet people often end up bitter because they feel taken advantage of.”
“Yes, that’s how it feels with her,” the woman agreed.
I spread out my hands. “No one can take advantage of you, unless you allow it. The truth is that your colleague probably has no idea you feel that way. Most likely she would describe you as a sweet and helpful colleague and be saddened if she knew that you felt taken advantage of.”
The woman drew in a sigh and looked down. “It’s possible.”
“Or…” I held up a finger and raised my eyebrows. “She literally doesn’t care and takes advantage of your helpfulness,” I said although I doubted it to be true. “But either way you’re the only one who can change the situation by setting your boundaries in a kind and firm way. Make it easy for her and other people to navigate around you by only saying yes when you mean yes, and no when you mean no.”
Scratching her arm, Susie looked uncomfortable. “I don’t want to be rude.”
I smiled. “I’m not asking you to be rude. You can say no and still be polite about it. People do it all the time. And look, what’s the alternative? You building resentment against her and complaining about her to others? Sweetness looks appealing on the outside, but it has a tendency to grow bitter with time, and sometimes even rot at its core. Practice kindness instead.”
She nodded again. I gave her a look of sympathy, before I addressed the audience “You may not have the exact same situation in your life, but I’m sure you have met a person that for some reason seems to annoy you more than others. As you know, we can’t change others, which is why it’s much easier to look at your own behavior. Are you allowing that person to overstep your boundaries? If yes, take responsibility and change it. If boundaries aren’t the problem, it’s time to look at why that person annoys you so much. It’s easy to blame the other person. But often our annoyance is triggered because of their being like a mirror to us.” I paused and looked around, making sure people were following. “We see something in them that we don’t like in ourselves, and it’s an annoying reminder that we’re imperfect.”
Some audience members chuckled a bit and nodded.
“Or the other person possesses character traits that we wish we had ourselves.” I looked at the woman. “Which I think plays a role in your case.”
“Oh?” She lifted her eyebrows.
“Your colleague makes something look easy, when that something is hard for you.”
“No, you don’t understand,” Susie said. “I’m the one helping her with her job because she finds it hard.”
I tilted my head. “I know, but it’s the part about asking for help that’s easy for her. You said she does it daily.”
“Yes, several times a day.”
“You could never do that, could you? Asking for help is hard for you.”
“Yes, I’m really bad at asking for help.”
“I know, or you would have raised your hand when I asked if anyone needed help with a conflict.”
She laughed a little. “Good point.”
“Do you see how that only emphasizes why it’s so annoying that your colleague makes it look easy.”
The woman bit her lip and looked thoughtful.
“As I see it,” I said, “it’s not her fault that you say yes when you mean no, and it’s not her fault that she’s good at asking for help while you’re not.”
Susie tilted her head. “I guess not.”
“It’s a big step that you agree.” I smiled. “I predict, however, that you still won’t like her much when you go to work the next time. So let’s look at a third factor.”
