Page 149 of The Pacifist
“I like your dad’s tattoo,” I said in support.
“It’s a joke.” Mason didn’t have the courage to look Magni in the eye when he said it.
“You know what’s a fucking joke?” Magni’s tone had turned sharp. “A disrespectful teenage boy thinking he has figured out life. I had a roaring bear on my forearm when I thought being strong was about being lethal, but I had no idea what real strength was, and neither do you.”
“Let me go.” Mason broke free from his father’s hold and jogged off to get away from us.
“I remember being thirteen and moody,” I said to lighten up the mood as Magni and I began walking again.
Magni snorted. “The worst part about being a parent is recognizing your worst sides in your kid. Mason is so much like me at that age.”
“Then chances are he’ll turn out fine.”
“Don’t say that. I’ve done a shitload of stupid stuff out of pride and a sense of immortality. I don’t want him to end up like me.”
“Why not? I mean, you’re still crude and loud, but the accident gave you a sense of humility that wasn’t there when I first met you.”
Magni groaned. “Nothing will humble a man as much as coming face to face with his own mortality. Accepting help from people around me was the hardest thing I ever had to do.”
“Huh. I would have thought flying again would be the worst part.”
Magni shrugged. “I’m a soldier.”
“And?”
“Fear is our constant companion. We Nmen learn early on that cowering in the face of danger is far worse for your soul than killing with a pure heart. Fear will destroy a person completely.”
“Are you saying that you’re never afraid?”
“Of course not. When I was a child, I fell from a tree and broke my arm. I’m happy my dad forced me up that same tree as soon as I was healed. It’s how we do things here.”
“Still…”
“I’m not saying it’s easy, but remember how I insisted that you and Mila walk in the park the day after you were attacked? It’s the same thing. Fear will paralyze you if you let it. When I was twenty-three, I followed a lead on a group trying to overthrow my father. I walked into a trap and was tortured for five days before Khan and the Huntsmen saved me. My mom begged my dad to reassign me to something less dangerous, but I forced myself back out on patrol a week after the attack. Not going would have destroyed me.”
My eyes widened. “You were tortured. Geez, Magni, I’m so sorry to hear that. I can’t even imagine. You must have been terrified going back out there.”
Magni nodded. “The fear that was created from the attack was beyond measure, but I had to face it and I did.”
“You’re so brave!”
“Ha.” Magni looked ahead and lowered his voice. “I wouldn’t admit this to just anyone, but the truth is that I shook and threw up every time I was getting ready to go out.”
“And you still went?”
“I had to. After a few days I managed the fear, then overcame it. Any combat soldier can tell you that courage isn’t living without fear, it’s overcoming it.”
“I can’t even imagine,” I repeated.
“I’m not expecting you to.” After a few moments, Magni asked me, “Do you fear death?”
“No, but I fear missing out.” I nodded ahead to where Mila was walking with Laura. From behind the bump on her belly didn’t show, but just this morning I had kissed it ten times.
We were expecting a younger sibling to our first, Faith, who was a year and a half and sleeping in her hover- carrier next to Mila.
“Me too, and I’m grateful for each day I get with my family.”
When I first met Magni he had resented talking about his emotions. I was proud of how much he had opened up to me over the last few years. “There was a time when even your family wasn’t enough to cheer you up.”
