Page 150 of The Pacifist
Magni gave me a sideways glance like he didn’t appreciate my bringing that up. “You’re talking about the time after the accident when they put me on suicide watch, aren’t you?”
“You know I would never judge. You were grieving the loss of your old identity. I get that.”
“I never feared death. My dad had this famous author that he always quoted, Lee Rineheart, do you know him?”
“Yes, Freya shared one of his books with me.”
“Anyway, he said that being alive is only a temporary state and to fear its end is like fearing the sunrise. In my experience, people who fear death forget to live and it’s fucking sad because we’re all going to move on at some point.”
“You talk a big talk, Magni, but don’t you think that all the trauma of your past might explain the issues you had with explosive anger in the past?”
“It’s possible. I’m more alert, jumpy at times, and I get very irritable in certain situations, but you know what? For every year we have peace and I get to go on nice hikes like today, I heal a little.”
I gave a single nod. “Nature will do that to you. What about nightmares, do you have those still?”
“It’s been a long time since I dreamt about the crash. After I got back to flying, it’s almost gone.”
“Interesting.”
“I think nightmares, a racing heart, and paranoia are symptoms of a failure to face one’s fears, and as I said, that will destroy a person.”
We walked on in silence for a while, before I asked. “Can I see your tattoo?”
Magni showed me the arm that looked so real that I sometimes forgot it was robotic. “Mason is right, it’s not as impressive as the roaring bear you had, but I like it.” I studied the sea squirt on his skin.
“This fucker can regenerate its entire body from just tiny blood vessel fragments. After losing my arm and both legs, I find that far more impressive than long teeth and big claws.”
“I was impressed when you told Mason that true strength isn’t about being lethal, but now I’m curious. How would you describe it then?”
Magni shrugged. “Truth be told, it can be boiled down to resilience and persistence. You know, the sheer ability to overcome whatever shit life throws at you and go on.”
“Like I was saying about Raven and her indomitable spirit.”
“Yeah, exactly, I’m sure it hasn’t been easy for her. Many men underestimate her because of her gender.”
“It’s something I can relate to.”
Magni frowned at me. “Why? You’re not a woman.”
“But I’m a Motlander man and according to many Nmen that’s almost the same thing.”
Magni slammed my shoulder and laughed. “You’re right. We do think of you Motlander men as feminine, but you’re different, Jonah. There’s a protective warrior in you. You’ve even packed on a lot more muscle from all the workouts with me and Mason. Now we just need to teach you how to fight.”
“I’m not different. There are many like me. You just need to open your eyes and see that men in the Motherlands are just as much men as you are.”
Magni gave a snort. “Right. Except they’re not.”
“Just because we don’t care for violence doesn’t make us any less manly.”
“Ah, come on, you people are way too soft and that’s why the Northlands will never fully integrate with the Motherlands. We’re bringing some fucking balance to all the kindness shit you have going on.”
When I opened my mouth to speak, Magni held up a hand. “I’m warning you, if you’re going to lecture me about human rights again, don’t!”
I stopped and stared at him. “Magni, for all the growth you’ve done as a man and human being, don’t you ever feel guilty about all the men you’ve killed?”
“No. And neither should you. We do what we have to in order to protect our loved ones. We talked about that.”
“Yes, I know, but what about the men who weren’t pointing a gun at someone you loved. The men you killed without a trial because you suspected them of treason? Do you feel remorse about that?”
