Page 50 of The Pacifist
“Did they kiss yet?”
Mila put down the book and turned to face me. “Yes. And it made my heart speed up, just reading about the way his tongue touched hers.”
“I thought you would be disgusted by that.”
Mila shook her head. “No. I’ve read about it in other books and lately I’ve been thinking about what it would feel like.”
“I’m sure you’ll find out when you marry. After all, passion means everything to you.” Her comment from yesterday about not wanting to marry me because there was no passion between us still stung and made my answer come out in a dry tone.
Her face fell and she pulled her comforter higher. “I’m not going to apologize for that.”
Rolling onto my back, I rubbed my face.
“What’s wrong?”
I gave a long exhalation before answering, “Cole and I found out that it was Anne who set the building on fire.”
“Shut up. You sure?”
“Yes. And it makes me angry. What did we ever do to her?” My voice rose a little. “What if that fire had jumped from the storage building to the house we slept in? Why does she want to destroy us like that?”
Mila didn’t interrupt me but just listened as I continued.
“Remember when we talked about emotions and I said that I don’t agree with how we’re taught to suppress our feelings? This is exactly what I was referring to.”
“Okay.”
“We have every right to be angry. I’m tired of people telling us that anger serves no purpose.”
“You mean teachers?”
“Yes. Every child in this country is told that anger doesn’t solve anything. All we learn is how to suppress it and not to engage in negative emotions.”
“But what’s wrong with changing your state of mind and focusing on things that make you happy?”
I was boiling over with frustration and that made my hands swing around as I spoke. “There’s nothing wrong with being happy, if you are happy. But if someone sets fire to your house, shouldn’t you be allowed to be angry? I think we’ve been lied to. I think anger serves a purpose. Your dad told me this before his accident; he said that anger is his fuel to fight injustice.”
“But he’s talking about people who plot to kill our family.”
“What’s the difference? Anne is trying to destroy my family. The Council is upholding outdated laws that prohibit our free speech and freedom to live the lives we wish to. None of that is right and just thinking about it makes me angry.”
Mila lifted her head. “Do you want me to give you a massage? Maybe that would help.”
“Why? Does my anger make you feel uncomfortable? You of all people should be able to handle it, Mila.
She lifted her shoulders in a small shrug. “It’s what I do at home too. I’m the peacekeeper in our family. You just seem very tense, Jonah.”
“That’s because Iamtense.” My voice was louder than intended and it made Mila pull back. She had never seen me like this because I’d never been under this much pressure.
The fact that Anne had turned on our family like this was shocking. It was likely that Emanuela would need to leave the country to be with Hunter, and that Cole would have to spend months in a place of reflection. Nostalgia Park could be lost and then there was the ominous likelihood that my time as a Councilman might be cut short. It was depressing to think that all my ambitious dreams of changing the world into a better place would go up in smoke. I sighed as another huge point of stress made my lungs feel like a hand was squeezing them tight. In thirty-eight days, I would lose Mila. The woman I loved would marry a large warrior who would be as protective and possessive as all other Nmen. It was a given that there would be no more alone time between us. No more hugs or kisses. Of all the things that stressed me out, losing Mila was soul-wrecking to me.
“I’m sorry about Anne, Jonah. You don’t deserve any of it.”
My chest weighed a hundred kilos and it made it hard to breathe, but I forced my words out. “If I’m completely honest, it’s not just because of Anne.” I met Mila’s large blue eyes that shone with concern for me. “You telling me that you’re thinking about kissing… well, it brought back part of our conversation from last night. You know, the part where you said you need passion in a marriage.”
“Yes?”
“It felt like a rejection and this is what happens, isn’t it?”
