Page 56 of The Pacifist
My sobbing died down and, drying my eyes, I did some breathing exercises to regain control before I walked back out to face him.
“You’ve been crying.” Jonah looked pained. “Milove, please talk to me.”
“I’m just homesick. I know I was supposed to stay until tomorrow, but with my dad’s operation, I want to go back.”
Jonah’s arms fell to his side and he sighed.
“Besides, with me gone, it’ll give you peace and quiet to write your speech.”
“I won’t be able to write anything if I worry that you’re mad at me.”
My nose was itching from all the crying. “I’m not mad at you. We just want different things.”
Jonah moved to stand right in front of me. “But Mila, I do want you. It’s just that marriage is… risky.”
“I get that. You don’t want people to think you’re a romantic.” My eyes were fixed on his elbow.
“I’m already under pressure. I can’t afford to take that chance.”
Tears were forming in my eyes again. “Would you please arrange for a drone for me?”
Jonah touched his wristband, making the reservation. “I’ll come with you to the border.”
“Don’t. You have things to do and it would take too long.”
“But if it meant spending some more hours with you…”
My smile was tiny and polite. “You’ll see me next time you come back to meet with Pearl and Khan.”
Picking up my bag, Jonah gestured to the door. “Let me walk you to the pick-up place at least.”
“It’s okay, I know where it is.”
“Mila, stop. I’m coming!” Jonah was using a firm tone and sounded as bossy as my dad for once. It softened me that he wouldn’t allow me to push him away, completely.
At the drone pick-up place, Jonah looked like he was about to cry himself. “I wish we could have talked about what happened last night.” He stepped close to me. “I can’t stand the thought that I hurt you.”
I kept my eyes down.
“Mila, I feel your sorrow and I want to take it away. I just don’t know how.” Taking my hand, he squeezed it. “You know I love you, right?”
I knew that. We had told each other for more than a year.
“Mila, I mean it. I really love you.”
Lifting my gaze, I locked eyes with him. “I love you too, Jonah.” I swallowed the rest of the words that were in my thoughts.Enough to put you before everything else. If only you’d do the same for me.
Instantly, I was hit with guilt. How could I ask for Jonah to put me before the rest of the world when he had taken an oath to lead with love, integrity, and devotion? How selfish could one woman be?
Jonah pulled me in for a long hug and as I stood in his arms, I began crying again.
“It’s okay,” he whispered. “I’ll see you soon.”
Maybe he didn’t understand that from now on, I’d have to protect my heart. I couldn’t go back to what we had before I showed him my true feelings. Being close to him would hurt too much.
After placing my bag in the drone, Jonah gave me a hand and helped me inside. “Call me when you get home, okay?”
“Will do.”
