Page 82 of The Pacifist
My right foot touched my left and I looked down.
“Mila, do you have any idea what this means? The amount of planning that has gone in to this and the number of fighters and spectators who are coming to town for this event? Not to mention the significance this tournament holds for our country. Khan’s campaign to win the presidency is already under pressure. Your tournament was going to be his chance to show everyone that he’s not selling out our culture. For fuck’s sake, Mila. Canceling it isn’t an option at this point.”
Guilt weighed me down but then Raven’s voice came through, reminding me,You are stronger than you think, Mila. I raised my head and faced my parents. “I knew you would be upset, but isn’t it better that I tell you now instead of on the day of the tournament?”
My mom touched my forearm. “Mila, I think you’re making a big mistake. Your dad is right. Too much is on the line.”
“Mom, I’m not like you. I didn’t dream of a tournament since I was a little girl, and I don’t have a secret crush on the strongest man in the country.”
Laura looked more shocked than angry, but my dad couldn’t stand still. “This is a fucking disaster.”
I’d always hated conflict and seeing my parents this upset made me physically ill. My heart was racing, my mouth was dry, my stomach felt like someone had tied all my intestines into knots. I was a peacekeeper and it was my nature to make people feel at ease.
It would be so easy to give in and go ahead with the tournament, but a conversation I’d had with Jonah months ago played back in my head. He’d argued that I needed to be better at setting my boundaries with people. In my mind I recited the pointers I could remember from that conversation,
I’m allowed to say no.
I’m allowed to disagree with others.
I’m allowed to look out for myself.
I’m allowed to feel whatever emotion I feel.
Others are allowed to feel whatever emotion they feel.
Their feelings and reactions are not my responsibility.
I don’t have to defend my right to set my boundaries.
The memory from last summer of Jonah talking about setting boundaries, while looking at the stars with me, felt like him being right next to me, whispering in my ear,Stand your ground, North Star. Inside me a calmness spread because I knew the hardest part was over.
“Mila, why are you smiling? Do you think this is funny? We are three weeks away from the tournament and you throw this bomb at us.”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner.” I pointed to my dad’s beard. “And I’m sorry I made that stupid bet, but just because I made one mistake doesn’t mean I have to pay for it for the rest of my life.”
My mom let go of my forearm, looking more confused than angry now. “But I thought you wanted to have a family.”
“I do.”
“Then why won’t you marry?”
“It’s not that. I just…” I let out a long sigh. “I want to do what Raven did. You know, fall in love and find the right man for me.”
My dad groaned. “Is this about you going to the Motherlands? Did Jonah set you up for this?”
“No. This is about whatIwant.”
Magni turned to my mother with eyes saying,How do we fix this?
“Okay, why don’t we all calm down and think for a second.” My mom held up both palms. “Dad and I are shocked. We didn’t see this coming.”
I kept quiet.
“How about this…” Laura took a steadying breath. “We’ll give you a few days to think about it before we cancel the tournament. If it’s a matter of nerves, maybe they will settle and you’ll change your mind again.”
“Yeah… let’s not cancel right away.” Magni nodded.
“I won’t change my mind.”
