Page 58 of Charlie
Liv: Yes, I’m here. Howth Castle is worth a visit. Have you been?
I stared at the text. Why would she write me about Howth Castle? Did I just imagine that she was disappointed and angry when she left yesterday? I put the phone down and felt like fucking crying. Being an Aspie was like navigating the world with minimal hearing and sight. Every time I thought I understood a situation, it turned out that I’d gotten it wrong. I’d been sad and depressed since she left, obsessing about my relationship with Liv, whileshedidn’t seem to be affected. Picking up the phone, I texted back.
Charles: Yeah, it’s pretty.
God, my answer looked so short and cold. Like I didn’t care about her.
Liv: What are you up to right now?
Pushing you away, destroying my chance of a happy life, proving to myself that I truly am the biggest loser. The long list of things that came to mind was endless.
Charles: I’m in my room. Thinking!
Liv: Me too!
Charles: Not about leaving, I hope.
There… I had to write it because I didn’t want her to leave. What I hadn’t been able to communicate to Conor was that I liked who I became when I was with Liv. She wasn’t like other women; I’d felt relaxed when we were together. Liv didn’t sulk because I said the wrong thing. She confronted me and asked for clarification. She was transparent and honest with me and that made it easy to be around her. A new text popped in.
Liv: You don’t want me to leave?
Charles: NO!
Liv: Okay then. Have you had enough time to process? Are you ready to be my boyfriend and come make love to me?
A sound between a sigh of relief and a loud laugh erupted from me, like one of those happy cows that’s finally allowed on grass in the spring after a long winter, I got up from my chair and did a happy dance. There was so much energy running through my body that I wanted to sprint straight from Howth to her hotel.
Charles: I’m on my way.
Grabbing my jacket, I flew out my door and ran down the stairs taking three steps at a time.
“Whoa, where are you going? Is something on fire?” Nathan, Maximum, and Atlas watched me with big eyes.
“Yes. My heart.” I didn’t stop to clarify but snatched a set of car keys to one of the cars parked outside. Conor had always allowed me to use them whenever I needed to, and right now, Ineededto.
The BMW took off so fast that small stones flew up from the ground around me, but I didn’t care. I could afford a new paint job for the car but I couldn’t afford to waste any more time with Liv.
Maybe I wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. In fact, there was a big chance that Conor was right and I would screw up everything and suffer from a broken heart. But I didn’t have a choice. Missing Liv had made it clear that I would take every second I could get with her. If she was serious about forgiving my quirkiness and still wanted to be with me, then I’d bury my head against her warm body and stay there.
I hated that her hotel didn’t have valet parking because I had to circle the building twice to find a place to park. When I knocked on her door, I was out of breath from running.
All my senses were working overtime, analyzing her footsteps as she approached the door on the other side, and the way she swung the door open wide as if she wasn’t holding any part of herself back.
I was on her before she could say hi. Lifting her up and carrying her inside the room while the heavy door shut behind us, I might not be able to explain how I felt, but at least I could show her.
My kisses were deep and hungry, my breathing ragged. Liv let her tongue dance with mine and didn’t complain when I placed her on the bed and began undressing her. If she asked me to slow down, I’d die. It was like I was drowning and she was my life preserver that I needed to hold on to.
“I need you.” It was all I could get out of the bundled-up emotions in my chest.
“And I need you.” She wrapped her arms and legs around me but I still needed more.
The condoms I’d bought were on the night table and, pushing my pants down, I broke free from her hold and put one on at warp speed. Any concern about foreplay was suppressed by my urge to feel her embrace me. All of me.
I pushed inside her with more force than I normally would and she made a small sound of discomfort. Remembering what she’d told me, I placed my hand around her throat and looked into her eyes. “I can’t be gentle. I need you too much for that.”
“It’s okay.”
I pushed deeper, seeing tears form in the edges of her eyes.
