Page 62 of Lumi
“No. Of course not! I swore I would never chase that man again. I’ve embarrassed myself too many times when I was younger. And even if I was willing to put my pride aside, there’s no point. One of his friends at his gym asked us if we were a couple, and Damian made a big deal out of our being too different. He called my house a museum and teased that I’m rigid in my thinking.”
“I’m sorry,” Atlas repeated.
“We’ve slept in the same bed for two nights.” I sighed. “If Damian wanted more, he would have made a pass by now.”
Frown lines filled Atlas’s forehead. “He’s an idiot.”
I shrugged. “Damian never promised me anything. You could argue that I’m the idiot for loving a man who doesn’t love me back.”
“Damian loves you; he said so himself on several occasions.”
I teared up and placed both my hands on my solar plexus. “I’ve settled for his platonic love for me, but I’m tired of feeling stuck with this pain of longing for something more. What if…” I took a deep breath. “What if my fear of closeness is really my heart rebelling against being with someone else?”
“You mean because you love Damian?”
I nodded and said scoffing, “I know it sounds ridiculous and makes little sense, but it would explain why it feels good to spoon with Damian, while I hate it with other men.” I rubbed my cheeks and sighed. “I think I’m limiting myself because of Damian.”
“You don’t have to. You have options. Maybe what you need is distance. What if you came to Chicago and worked at the headquarters with me, or you can go to Asia. Tell me where you want to go, and I’ll help you make it happen.”
I felt overwhelmed with sadness and reached up to hug my brother. Atlas closed his arms around me, squeezing me tight as I cried, “I’m sorry that I’m such a pathetic person.”
“You’re not.” His voice sounded raw. “Don’t ever say that. Do you hear me? You’re not pathetic.”
“Then why can’t I love anyone else like I love Damian?”
“It’s not your fault that you won’t let people into your life. I just wish I had found a cure or something that could help you. I wanted this experiment to set you free. I’m so sorry that it’s not working.”
“Me too.”
Atlas pulled back. “Do you want to end the experiment? I can go tell Damian that we’re ending it right now.”
I dried a tear from my cheek. “No.”
“You sure?”
“I don’t have the energy to explain the truth to him, and I don’t want to lie. I think you might be right; moving away would give me the distance I need to let go and open up to someone else.”
“A fresh start isn’t so bad, sis.”
I used my sleeve to dry my eyes. “I just love Ireland so much.”
Atlas pulled me in for another long hug. When we released each other, we took a few deep breaths together.
“Are you ready for us to go in and talk to Charles?”
“Is it obvious that I’ve cried?”
“A little. He might not notice. Charles isn’t the best at reading people.”
“I know.” We walked side by side.
“Now, Jolene, that’s a different story. I swear my woman is a living lie detector. It’s like she can read people’s minds.” Atlas smiled. “When our children are teenagers and trying to get away with stuff, I’ll let Jolene deal with it. She’ll sniff it out in no time.”
“And what about you? How do you deal with her reading you so well?”
“It holds me to my highest standard that I can’t get away with stuff, but the best part is that Jolene loves me despite all my imperfections.”
I nudged Atlas’ shoulder with mine. “What imperfections? You’re the kindest brother and husband any woman could ask for.”
