Page 99 of Nathan
For a moment, we sat in silence, and then she muttered low, “I’ve thought about what you said that day when you claimed I’ve never experienced true love.”
“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry,” I quickly apologized.
“And yet you had a fair point. I have men walking in and out of my life, but always at a distance. The moment they try to get intimate with me, I freak out.”
“Have you talked to your therapist about it?”
She sighed. “Yes. And obviously she thinks it’s related to my time in the cult.” River swung her hand and looked around the room. “I’ve even spoken to Jolene about it, and she believes my dependency on all these material things is related to the trauma I suffered when my mother was expelled from the cult. My mother gave her entire fortune to Conor, and as soon as she was broke, he no longer had a use for her.”
“How much do you remember from that day?”
The distant look in River’s eyes returned as moisture gathered and spilled over into tears. “I remember trying to hold on to her, and I remember pain… so much pain. My mother begged Conor to let me stay, and I begged him not to separate us. I can still see her crying outside that door, telling me she loved me.”
I took River’s hand and spared her my own memories from that day. Her mind had clearly filled in the blanks, because the detail that I would never forget was being nine years old and seeing Connor slam the door in Julie’s face before she finished telling River that she loved her.
I could feel my own emotions make my throat sore. “Your mother loved you very much. Just like my mother loved me.”
“I hate Conor for taking them away from us.”
“Me too.”
River used the heel of her hand to dry away tears and met my eyes. “Do you think I am too broken for love?”
“I refuse to believe that. Love heals.”
“But love requires trust, and what if I can’t ever trust a man?”
River and I had always been close, but it was rare for her to be this vulnerable. “I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but Atlas and Lumi were traumatized by the cult too, and they managed to find love.”
“Lumi’s situation is different. She’s known Damien since she was seventeen and he saved her life. What man is going to spend twelve years making me trust him?”
“Maybe it won’t take that long if you meet the right chap.”
“Or maybe he doesn’t exist.” More silent tears streamed down her face. “I fear that something happened to me at the Red Manor that I’ve suppressed.” She whispered the last sentence as a confession.
My heart hammered, and my mind took me back to the secret room we’d found in Conor’s office. “You mean something that makes you not want to be physical with the men you date?”
River nodded. “My therapist suggested we should do hypnotherapy to try and unlock hidden childhood memories, but I don’t want to. What if I was abused, and it all comes back to me?”
“Fuck, River, I’m sorry.” I opened my arms to her, and as soon as she leaned against me, I held her tight.
She spoke like a deflated version of herself. “It’s not your fault. But it might explain why I never wanted to sleep alone as a child. You used to hate how I always wanted for us to sleep in the same bed, but what if it was my way of making it harder for someone to come and grab me?”
“I don’t remember ever waking up and seeing you gone.”
“Nathan, I don’t think we remember half of the horrible things that happened in that house.”
Rubbing her back, I thought about how I might empower River to battle the demons of her childhood that were keeping her locked in a pattern of unhealthy relationships.
“I think it’s time for me to watch the tape.” My words came before I had time to really think it through.
River stopped crying. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. That constant doubt that I’m feeling lately as if I’m not quite good enough for someone like Serena to love me... it’s driving me crazy. I think the tape is holding me back somehow. It weighs down on me from the back of my mind, like a dark shadow waiting for me to be brave enough to face the darkest chapter of my childhood. There’s never going to be a time that feels right, so I might as well get it over with.”
Placing her hand on mine, River spoke softly, “Then we should call the others.”
I nodded, but couldn’t say a word due to the knot in my throat that made it impossible to speak.
River looked more scared than I felt when she picked up her phone and called first Lumi, and then Liv, telling them that we were coming back to Ireland to watch the tape we’d found at the Red Manor Cult.
