Page 82 of River
What was I doing? I wasn’t here to work on a farm, and trying to convince Noah that I could was pointless since I had no intention of working here.
He leaned closer and lowered his voice in something close to a hiss. “All you want is to make your YouTube videos so you can look good in front of your followers.”
“What’s wrong with my videos?” My voice was breathy because of my shallow breathing.
“Let me ask you this, River. Did you earn back your investment in the orphanage when you shared your video of them on YouTube?”
I gasped. “You think I exploited the children?”
“Do you ever do anything that isn’t for you?”
“I came here!” My words came out as an exclamation.
With a quick glance over his shoulder, Noah led me outside before he attacked me again. “Don’t pretend you came for me. You can’t stand the thought that I’m not a fan any longer. You came to get my forgiveness so you could feel better. That’s all about you, River.”
My eyes blinked, and it was getting harder to breathe.
One stone at a time, I reminded myself, but rebuilding anything between Noah and me was impossible when he kept hurling accusations at me.
“I came to rebuild the wall.”
“What?” He looked confused when I began to babble.
“You know, the stone walls that surround all the fields. Think about the patience it took to build them one stone at a time. That was my plan, you know, to take one breath, one step, one day, and one apology at a time.”
“Is that supposed to be some kind of metaphor?”
“Yes, of course it is. We built something beautiful in Bali, and then I tore it down when I ran that night. I’m trying to put it back together. Do you think a stone wall never crumbles? It does! If it’s still standing it’s because after hard storms someone tended to that wall and rebuilt it when it broke. I’m here to mend the damage I did.”
Noah stared at me as if he had no words.
“Say something,” I said and reached for his hand.
The way he jerked back hurt my feelings and made my hands tremble even more. He was rejecting me just like I’d feared he would and I felt panic rise inside me as he spoke. “What we had in Bali was special, but I’m in a good place now, and I don’t want to…”
“You don’t want to take another chance on me?”
He shifted his balance and looked down.
With my heart pounding it was tempting to retreat, but I’d come this far. “Can we at least talk?”
“Yeah, closure might be good. So, what do you want to say?”
Noah was so standoffish, and his message that he wanted closure hurt.
I tried to find the right words while wringing my hands to keep them warm. “When you wrote that you don’t like me, I got really sad. I know I hurt you, and I feel awful about that. That’s why I came to apologize for my freaking out and running away when you’re right; I should have talked to you about it. It was wrong of me and a cowardly thing to do.”
Noah crossed his arms, and his voice was a bit softer when he spoke. “Thank you for coming all this way to tell me.”
“So, do you forgive me?”
“I’ll think about it.” He turned, and I could tell he was about to walk away from me, so I reached out and held on to his arm while getting back in front of him.
“Noah, why are you making it so difficult? I know I made a mistake, but I’m trying to fix it.”
“I can’t just forgive you on command. Every time I think about you, my insides…” His face scrunched up. “It’s like a bloody war between my heart and my head. I need time to digest your apology and figure out how it changes things…ifit changes things.”
“Can’t we go to your room and talk?” I pleaded.
