Page 83 of River
“No!” He took a step back and tightened his jaw. “I’m not stupid enough to do that.”
“But…”
“No, River. Part of me is still in love with you, and if we go to my room, I’ll end up regretting it.”
There it was again, Noah’s complete honesty.
“I’m still in love with you too.”
Pain flashed across his face. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s true. Do you think I would have come if I didn’t hope that you’d take me back?” My voice broke a little from the complete nakedness of my admission.
Noah leaned his head back and pushed his hands through his hair, which needed a haircut again.
“Please, Noah.”
He groaned and lowered his hands. “Why, River? Why should I give it a chance? We have such different lives, and I’m happy here. I don’t want to live in a city like London, and we both know you’d be miserable in a place like this.”
“You don’t know that!”
He threw up his hands. “The nearest town is twenty minutes away, and it’s not exactly London.”
I bit my lip and teared up. “I don’t have all the answers, but I know that those three weeks in Bali were the best in my life.”
Noah closed his eyes and turned around with his arms crossed and his head hanging down. There was nothing I could say that would make him change his mind.
I lifted my hand to touch him but stalled mid-air before I lowered it again. Backing up a few steps, I turned and saw three faces in the barn window before I walked out to my car.
My tears weren’t as violent as they had been when I had my breakdown before seeing Noah. They were tears of grief rather than anxiety.
I had hoped for his forgiveness and for him to hold me in his arms and tell me everything would be all right.
That hadn’t happened, but I’d overcome my own fear of rejection and fought for what I wanted. There was a victory in that.
I’d reached my car when I heard Noah’s steps behind me. Turning, I looked up at him and wondered why he’d come so close when he'd been keen on keeping his distance before.
“I’m sorry, too,” he muttered. “I went too far and broke your trust.”
“No, it wasn’t your fault. I wanted it. I told you in the letter.” His gaze was so intense that I dropped my eyes to his shoulder.
“I still blame myself,” he said.
“There’s no need. If I hadn’t been so broken, I would have made love to you. I wanted to, but…” I trailed off.
“What happened?”
“I freaked out.”
“Yes, I know, but I mean, did you remember something from your childhood? I’ve been obsessing about that question. You told me that you weren’t a virgin, so why did you freak out with me and not the other guy who you slept with?”
I sighed, wishing I had all the answers for him. “I’m not sure, maybe because with him I closed my mind off and just lay there while he did his thing. With you, I was open and invested, but the moment you pushed inside me, I panicked.”
“Were you afraid that I would hurt you?”
“Not rationally, but my body must have remembered something because my reaction was instinctual.”
Noah made a sound, and then he opened his arms and stepped in to hug me.
