Page 93 of River
“Then why don’t you give her the apple?”
“Because she already trusts me to not hurt her. Now I need her to trust that anyone with me won’t hurt her either.”
“Oh.”
“Flatten your hand like this.” Fleur showed me how to hold out the apple.
“Whatever you do, don’t pull the apple away. I promise that Clara won’t bite you, but you have to reach out your arm so she can reach the apple, and then you hold it still.”
I did as told and the large animal snapped the apple from my hand. Her large jaws chewed on it and swallowed before pushing at Fleur.
“She wants another one,” I said.
“Mhmm. But I’ve told her she’ll have to come to the stables with me to get more.”
“Why doesn’t Clara like to be inside the stable?”
“Her last owner mistreated her, and a lot of the abuse happened while she was tied in a barn.”
“Then why not just let her stay out here?”
“Because one day there will be a violent storm or hard frost and then I’ll need her to come inside. We want Clara to get used to the barn before that happens.”
“Can’t you tell her that?”
“She knows.”
“But she doesn’t trust you yet?”
Fleur tilted her head. “Trust isn’t just a decision you make. If it were that simple, people could forgive infidelity and move on together. But no, it doesn’t work like that. Once mistrust enters your mind, it lingers like a virus pushing at your immune system, and as soon as there’s a bit of weakness, it strikes.”
“But isn’t it different with Clara? I mean, in her case, you said it was abuse.”
“Abuse is a loss of trust, as well. She knows we’re not her former caretaker, but her experience tells her not to trust too easily.”
“I can relate.”
Fleur turned her head to look at me. “Yes, I sensed that about you yesterday.”
“What did you sense?”
“The sadness.”
“There are things in my past that I’m unaware of, but I sense something bad happened to me as a child.”
“It’s not uncommon to suppress such things. It’s a survival mechanism.”
“I know.” I looked down and let the tip of my shoe make a line in the dirt. “But what if I don’t want to go back to find out what caused me to feel this way? Is there a way for me to learn how to trust without knowing exactly what happened?”
“I’m better with animals than I am with people, River. And I shouldn’t give advice to you when I have my own issues.”
“All right, then let me ask you in another way. If Clara hadn’t told you what happened to her in her past, but you sensed something wasn’t right, how would you help her trust again?”
Fleur patted Clara’s head. “One thing is for sure. I can’t just leave her out here to figure it out for herself. It’s not possible to build trust while being absent. Trust isn’t something that grows automatically over time. Only a shared experience can do that. That’s why every day, I come to offer her an apple and ask her if she’s ready to come and see the stable. Every visit is an opportunity for her to learn that I can be trusted, and hopefully soon, she’ll be warm and toasty inside the barn.”
“You’re a little eccentric,” I said with a smile. “But I like you, Fleur.”
“Thank you.” She didn’t look the least bit offended that I’d called her eccentric.
