Page 43 of Hearts at Seaside
He took her cheeks in his hands and searched her eyes. “I want to be with you. Don’t ever think otherwise. I spent years second-guessing, Jenna, and I realize we’ve spent only one night together. I get how crazy that seems. But we’ve known each other for years, and last night felt like we’d somehow put a label on us, and all those previous years, when we liked each other and were too blind to come together, were building a foundation of friendship and trust that we never realized we were building.”
“I thought it was just me. I feel all those things, too. That’s why I came over. I didn’t want to believe that you didn’t feel the same.”
“I definitely feel the same, but you might change your mind when you hear what I have to say.” He let out a loud breath. “After my mom died, Pop’s drinking spiraled out of control. He’s a functioning alcoholic, Jenna, and it’s not an easy situation for any of us.”
“Oh, Pete. I’m sorry.” Here she was worrying about her mother being too clingy and he hadrealissues he was dealing with. “Have you tried to get him help? What about your brothers and sister? I guess they’re too far away to help?”
Pete nodded. “My brothers staged an unsuccessful intervention a few months after we realized what was going on, but all that did was piss him off. Sky doesn’t know, or at least I’ve tried to protect her from all of this. She and our mom were really close, and Sky had such a hard time when our mom died that I worry what seeing our father like this would do to her. She’s just starting to find herself again.” Pete ran his hand though his hair, and pain flashed in his eyes.
“So she has no idea?”
Pete shook his head.
“Pete, I don’t know what Sky is like, but if I had siblings and they kept something like this from me, I would probably be pissed. I mean, he is her father, too.”
When he spoke again, his voice was deep and serious. “Sky was twenty-two when our mom died and Pop started drinking. She bounced from job to job; she was barely keeping her head above water. We were all very worried about her. I went and stayed with her for a couple weeks, dragged her out of bed each day, made her face her feelings and life without our mom. I tried to get her into therapy. I thought talking would help, but she refused to go. But she opened up to me. She’s still open with me.” He shook his head again. “I did the right thing, Jenna. I did the only reasonable thing. I’ll tell her, eventually.”
“And what about your dad? Does he admit he has a problem?” She had no idea Pete was dealing with such a tremendously difficult family problem, or had been for two years. Now, as she looked back, she wondered if his being quiet or more reserved was driven by his being sidetracked. Who wouldn’t be?
“When Pop’s sober and I try to talk with him about his drinking, he’s adamant that he doesn’t have a problem and that he just misses my mother, which I know he does. Then I feel guilty for trying to push him into AA meetings or rehab. And honestly, I think he’s past the AA stage. He’s worried about people in town finding out and losing business because of it. To be honest, I think he needs real, full-time help to beat this.”
“I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you. What happens when he’s drinking?”
Pete scrubbed his hand down his face. “He’s consumed with my mom. He doesn’t remember that she died, so he asks where she is. It’s pretty heartbreaking.”
“He’s right about people finding out, but the alternative is not good for either of you.” Jenna slid her hand around the back of his neck and kneaded the tension from his muscles. “I’m sorry you’ve been going through this alone.”
Pete pulled back. “I can handle it, but—” He looked away again.
Jenna realized how deeply this was impacting him, and she wasn’t sure how to help, but she desperately wanted to. “Well, the next time that happens when we’re together, please don’t feel pressure to leave me behind. I’ll go with you. Maybe I can help.”
He shook his head. “No. You don’t need to see what he’s like.”
“Is he violent?” She began to imagine all sorts of awful situations.
“No. He’s just the opposite. He’s kind of pathetic.”
Jenna saw sadness in Pete’s eyes, but it was the tension and maybe even embarrassment rolling off him that made her chest constrict. Had his father’s alcoholism even allowed for Pete to grieve for his mother, or had it begun immediately after his mother’s death? Was he embarrassed for his father, or for himself? And his choice of words rubbed her the wrong way.Pathetic?That could only come from years of pain.
“Pete, your parents were married a long time. He probably does feel lost without her, but that doesn’t make him pathetic.”
Pete pushed to his feet and paced. His hands fisted, and the muscles in his jaw bunched. “What does it make him, Jenna? She died. She’s not coming back. So you deal with that, right? You say to yourself,Okay, the woman I loved died, but I can’t die right along with her.It sucks, and yes, his life is enormously different. Empty, without her in it. But he’s killing himself, and that would have killed my mother if she were alive to see it.”
Jenna was struck by his words—and his anger. They were so similar to her own, toward her mother.She just needs to get over it and move on.She realized how unfair those words were. She pushed the thought away so she could focus on Pete.
“Pete, I think it makes him a man who loved a woman so deeply that when she died, she took too much of him with her.” She rose to her feet and reached for his hand. His fingers were tense, but she held tight. “She was the glue that held him together. People don’t just become alcoholics. He was probably drinking all along, but her presence kept him in check.”
“Yeah. No kidding.” He pulled his hand away, and Jenna flinched at his spite. He turned back quickly, his eyes heavy with sorrow. “I’m sorry. That was a rotten thing to say. I know you’re right, Jenna. I get it. He was always a drinker, but this…The way he’s throwing in the towel is just not like him. He’s always been the guy who made things happen. The one who made me and my brothers stand up and be men. You know, face your faults and your fears and overcome them. His famous words to us were,Men don’t run from hard times. They conquer them.” Pete set his hands on his hips and looked over at the bay.
“Wait a minute. Pete, do you think he’s doing this on purpose? Do you blame him for this?”
He narrowed his eyes. Then his gaze softened and he reached for her hand. “I’m sorry, Jenna. I didn’t mean to take you down with me. I know he’s not doing this on purpose. But that doesn’t make it any easier to accept, and it doesn’t make his calls any easier to deal with.”
Jenna closed the distance between them and reached up to touch his cheeks. She felt the tightness in his jaw and wanted to ease that tension and take away the sadness in his eyes. She wondered if her friends saw the same sadness and tension when she spoke of her mom.
“Pete, I know you feel like you can, or you should, handle this alone, but I’m going through something with my mom right now, and I’ve been trying to deal with it on my own. It’s hard. It’s really hard. Listening to you talk about your dad made me realize that I was wrong. I don’t need to try to deal with my mom by myself or deal with her by keeping my distance. I need to be closer to her and let her grieve for her marriage in whatever way she needs to,withmy support.” She moved closer to him.
“I don’t know if you want me to be there or not, but I want to be here for you. What your father is going through isn’t a reflection on you. It’s a reflection of how much he loved your mom. So what if her death weakened him? He’s already raised you and your siblings. He’s done his job. He’s allowed to fall apart.”
