Page 20 of Secrets at Seaside
“I moved on. You did, too, so let it be. No one knows. I made sure of that.”
Man, that’s what he’d thought. She’d taken the burden alone, without him, without the girls, and who knew how that had eaten her up. How had she survived it? He’d done the same, shouldered the burden of their loss alone, but he was a man, used to dealing with hard knocks and difficult situations. He’d wanted to be there to help Amy, to share the pain and help her heal. To build a life together, a future…the only future he ever wanted.
“I haven’t moved on,” he admitted.
Amy blew out a half laugh, half breath. “Yeah, right. You have girlfriends galore. You have a successful business. You’re an amazing surfer—”
“No kidding, Amy. You know me. If anyone in this blessed world knows me, it’s you. Burying my feelings, using that frustration to excel in other ways and try to prove myself worthy is what I do best. Wearing a coat of armor so thick it smothers me but never showing it to the world. That’s me. Those women were camouflage.” He turned his back to try to gain control of the burn in his gut.
“Don’t you know why I take care of you? Why I make sure you don’t get hurt by other jerks who are only looking out for themselves? Don’t you see how hard it is for me to leave when I carry you home? How I nearly lost my mind when the guys at that bar were checking you out? Don’t you know why I’ve never had a single long-term relationship?” He turned around and closed the distance between them again.
She turned her back to him and wrapped her arms around herself.
“Because of you, Amy. Because of us. Those women were substitutes. Every single one of them. I don’t know if I can be the man you want and the man you need, but darn it, I want to try.”
She turned back around, her gaze and voice softer. “You’re the best man I know, Tony.”
“Bull. The best man wouldn’t have given up when you sent me away. The best man would never have made love to you without protection and risked a pregnancy in the first place.”
She circled her arms around his waist and rested her chin on his chest, and his anger turned to sadness, softening his tone.
“The best man wouldn’t have filled the gaps with other women.”
“Tony…”
His body was shaking now, darn it. He felt like he could barely breathe.
“You’re strong and sensitive. You’re thoughtful and more of a man than Rambo. Any guy would have…” Fresh tears filled her eyes. “Would have been with other women. You did what you had to in order to move on, tosurvive, just like I did.”
He closed his eyes to try to center his thoughts. When he opened them, he nearly gave in to her trusting, honest gaze and the desire building within him, but she’d sent him away once before, and he knew he couldn’t survive it again. And he’d turned her away so many times, he wasn’t sure she could survive it if it wasn’t real. He had to be sure this time. Sure of her love and sure that he could be all she’d ever need.
Her eyes remained trained on his as she drew her shoulders back and spoke in a confident, warm tone. “And you’re the only man I want.”
His breath left his lungs in a rush. He’d waited fourteen years to hear those words, and now he wasn’t sure he was worthy. He moved her wet hair from her shoulders and stroked her cheek. His words tumbled painfully from his lips.
“I’m not the best man, Amy. You’re the only woman I want in my life, and I didn’t protect you at a time when it mattered most.”
She stepped back and looked up at him through wet lashes. “You did what mattered most. You loved me.”
He pulled her against him again, needing her close in case she didn’t want anything to do with him after everything they’d said and what was yet to be said. In case this was all he’d ever have. He drew in a deep breath and held it, preparing for her response, clenching his teeth a few times to strengthen his resolve for honesty.
“We were so careful all those nights we made love that summer. That night in the woods, I was too weak. I’m a man, Amy. I should have been thinking of you, not me. You should always come first. All I could think about was being intimate with you, loving you, joining together in a way that would make me feel whole again. Only you could make me feel so loved, and damn it…”
He swallowed against the tears welling in his eyes with the memories of how she’d freed him. She was the only one who had noticed the changes in his father that summer. How many times had he hammered Tony’s worthlessness into his head?You won’t amount to anything. A surfer? Surfing is for losers. Get a job.Tony had never told a soul. Not once. He hadn’t even told Amy. But Amy had known. He had no idea how. His father had been careful to say things when no one was around. He’d been slick like that those few difficult weeks, so different from the man he’d been before that summer. But Amy knew. She’d eased all the hurt from what his father had said when she’d told Tony at the beginning of that summer, just as she told him now,You’re the best man I know.But that humid June night he hadn’t been the best man. He’d been selfish.
And she’d never wavered from loving him over the following weeks. Until after she’d gone to college, when they’d returned for that fateful weekend. The weekend they’d lost the baby he’d had no idea they’d conceived.
“I knew it was risky. I knew that withdrawing wasn’t foolproof. I was older than you. Iknewthe risks, and I still did it. You need a guy who won’t ever be that weak.” He looked away, not wanting to see the disappointment he was sure was filling her eyes.
She laughed, a sweet, unexpected, tear-laced laugh.
Laughed.
He looked down at her, and she was smiling through her tears.
“Did you take a vow of chastity that I’m not aware of?” she asked.
He couldn’t even form a response. He couldn’t find one funny thing about their discussion.
