Page 27 of Secrets at Seaside
“I was scared foryou.” She felt his step falter a moment, then regain its momentum. “I was already worried about my father finding out about us, but then after I got pregnant, I worried that your father would use it against you.”
He squeezed her shoulder. “I could have handled him.”
She nodded. “I know. Even at twenty you were the most confident man I knew. It was one of the things that drew me in. Still does. I knew you could handle anything, but I didn’t want you to have to.”
“I understand,” he said quietly, and she wondered if he really did.
They walked in silence a little farther. “When I came to your school, I was going to tell you not to worry, that it wouldn’t change anything between us.” He paused as those words sank in. “But as an adult, I realize how misguided that was.”
Amy stopped walking.Misguided?Her entire world had changed that last night at the Cape. Her outlook, her goals, her desires. Everything. And now she was learning that he’d been misguided? How? Was their love misguided? After everything he’d said to her just now?
“I think I need to sit down.”
“Sure, of course.” They were on an empty stretch of beach. Tony led her up the shore to the crest of a hill. They sat in silence and watched the breaking waves.
Tony leaned back on his palms. Amy missed the comfort and closeness of his arm over her shoulder.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “I know it’s a lot to process. All of this. Us.”
“Yeah.” She was not okay. But she wanted to be.
“Amy, I know now what I couldn’t see clearly then. You can’t go through something like what we did without it changing who we are, at least on some level.” He slid his feet closer, leaned his arms over his knees, and folded his hands together. “But I wanted to be there with you, no matter what it meant.”
“I changed, Tony. I was barely hanging on when I got back to school. I tried to stuff all the hurt and the self-loathing into a box and shove it as far away as I could, but no matter how far I kicked it, it returned. And when I saw you…” Her eyes welled with fresh tears. This was so darn hard. How could she put into words what she felt? It was too much, too hurtful.
Tony put his arm around her. She drew strength from his touch, feeling guilty for doing so after the way she’d shut him out, and at the same time, feeling relieved that he was giving her another chance.
“I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, and everything hurt after that. It hurt to sleep, to eat, to think. Tofeel.” She turned away, ashamed by the constant flow of tears.
He drew her chin back toward him, and it was all Amy could do to look into his compassionate eyes and not break down sobbing. She reached for his other hand and held on tight.
“I’m so sorry. I know…” Tears blurred her vision. “I was scared. I didn’t know if I’d survive how empty and scared I felt, and I was so worried that I’d ruin your career, and you were just starting out and doing so well…”
He pulled her against his chest and caressed her back. “It’s okay,” he whispered.
“No. It isn’t, and it never was. I faked my way through the next few years, until faking it became so real that I could no longer tell the difference between who I really was and who I was pretending to be.”
“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.” He pressed his lips to the top of her head, holding her cheek against his chest. “I never wanted you to experience that. It’s no way to live.”
She listened to his heartbeat, remembering all those nights they’d snuck out and fallen into each other’s arms, and afterward, how she’d lay on his chest and count his heartbeats beating in time with her own.
“It was the only way I could live…” Her voice faded into the sound of the waves.
“Are you still wearing that armor, Amy? Even with me?”
She shifted away from his chest and met his gaze. “I don’t know. It’s been so long that I’m no longer sure.”
He searched her eyes and then his became serious. “I know who you were, and I know the woman you are now. You know who I was, and I mean who I really was. Not the guy covering his feelings. Not the guy everyone else thought they knew.”
Amy felt the impact of his words, the intimacy of their relationship winding its way deeper into her. She did know him, and he knew her, better than anyone else ever could. She hated that she’d hurt him and hated hearing the pain in his voice now. She watched his lips move, and she had the overwhelming desire to climb into his lap and kiss the pain away, but she was unable to move.
“Together we can figure out who we are now. We can find the people we were before we lost…”
He lowered his eyes and she felt her chest tighten. He cleared his throat, and when he spoke again, his voice was not quite as solid.
“Before.” He met her gaze. “Together we can figure out who we are now, without our armor. Together we can become the people, the couple, we should be.”
She stayed where she was, sitting beside him and leaning across his chest, the weight of fourteen years pinning her in place.
