Page 35 of Secrets at Seaside
Leanna’s solemn eyes were locked on Amy’s, as if she saw the turmoil brewing inside her.
“What about that summer, Amy?” Leanna asked.
Amy dropped her eyes to the bed and contemplated playing off her silence as a joke, but she knew they’d never buy it. She’d had nine months to get her game face in place before returning to the Cape the summer after she’d had the miscarriage. Nine months…Long enough to have a baby, or forget you were ever going to. She’d had fourteen years to prepare for this moment, but not only had she not prepared; she’d blocked out the event entirely. There was no more hiding. If she wanted Tony, she had to accept what happened, and accepting meant honesty all around.
“Sweetie, what are we missing? Whatever it is, it’s not going to change a thing. I promise.” Jenna’s voice was so sincere that it deepened Amy’s guilt.
“I’m not so sure about that.” Amy swallowed hard and stared at her hands. It was easier than looking at the women she knew she was about to hurt.
“That summer, Tony and I were together,” Amy began.
“Of course. We all were,” Jenna said.
“No.Together, together.” She lifted her eyes.
“Wait.” Bella drew her brows together, and a soft laugh escaped before she clamped her jaw closed and shook it off. “You don’t mean…”
Amy nodded.
“What?” Jenna practically yelled. “No way. You couldn’t have kept that a secret.”
Amy cocked her head. “You do know my father, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but…” Jenna’s eyes widened as understanding dawned on her. “You thought we’d tell him?”
“No. No, that’s not why.”Was it?Bella’s arms were crossed, putting an effective barrier between them that scared Amy.Please don’t turn me away. Leanna’s brows were drawn together, her forehead streaked with worry.
“Okay, maybe that was partially why. I don’t know. I was afraid of disappointing my father, and Tony’s father wasn’t exactly the nicest guy on earth that summer.” The words fell fast, and as she shifted her eyes to each of her friends, the impact of them were evident. Bella’s eyes were filled with something between worry and anger. Leanna and Jenna had empathy written all over their faces, but when they dropped their eyes to the bed, she knew she’d hurt them.
“And I was finally with Tony,” Amy continued. “And he loved me. Helovedme. And—”
“So all these years, your pining over him was what? A lie? You’ve been seeing him?” Bella’s voice was anything but understanding.
“No. Iwaspining for him.”
“Yeah,” Bella snapped. “For a guy you’d already had, and here we were feeling bad for you that you loved him and he thought of you as a friend.” She looked away.
“It wasn’t like that. I mean, it was, but…” She wanted to slip to the floor and hide under the bed until her life rewound to ten minutes earlier, so she couldnottell the truth. Her heart was beating so fast and hard she felt like the room was spinning. Her friends were waiting for an explanation that she wasn’t sure she could give without falling apart, yet not explaining would be worse than spilling her guts.
“It was…” Tears slid down her cheeks. “I got preg—pregnant. Okay? It was—”
Silence.
Jenna stared at the blanket. Bella held Amy’s gaze, and Leanna’s brows knitted together as she looked from Amy to the others, then back again.
Amy’s lower lip trembled. Her guilt felt magnified in their silence. Her throat was so thick no more words could pass through. And then Leanna’s arms were around her. Her tears fell on Leanna’s shoulder as she wept.
“Amy…” Bella’s voice was thin, rattled. “Oh, Amy. I’m so sorry.”
“But what happened?” Jenna reached for Amy’s hand.
Amy sucked in one breath after another, as Leanna released her, giving her room to breathe. That ball of guilt she’d tucked away bowled her over. She felt raw, completely exposed.
“I…I didn’t know I was pregnant until I started school in the fall, and then Tony and I snuck up to Seaside for a weekend alone. I was going to tell him, but we went surfing and…I…I lost the baby. I never told anyone. No one. And I never talked to Tony about it again.” Sobs stole her voice, and in the next breath she managed, “I sent Tony away to save him from…from…ruining his surfing career. To save him from me.”
Bella folded Amy into her arms. She held her in the quiet of the room for who knew how long. Long enough that Amy cried all the tears she had held in over the years. Long enough for the others to get in on the cathartic hug and weigh Amy down with a new type of heaviness. She couldn’t breathe, but this time it wasn’t caused by fear. She was smothered in their love, felt their tears on her skin.
“You didn’t need to go through that alone.” Bella’s voice was just above a whisper.
