Page 55 of Secrets at Seaside
Tony stewed on that thought as he ran another two miles and circled back toward Seaside. He couldn’t decide if his father was a coward or the bravest man he’d ever known. Was it cowardly to leave his family without so much as a goodbye? To allow himself to fall into a bottle to escape reality? Or was it brave to leave this world on his own terms?
Coward.
His father could have talked to him. He should have talked to him. How could he have thought it was a good idea that his son believe him to be a jerk at the end of his life rather than the man he’d always been? It was a selfish thing to do. Any way Tony looked at it, it seemed like the horrifically wrong thing to do.
He sprinted up the slight incline in the road that led back to the highway, breathing hard, sweat dripping from every inch of his body, knowing that no matter how hard he ran, he’d never outrun the voice in his head that told him his father had only done the best he could. The voice that insisted it was Tony who was selfish for wanting his father to have ended things differently. Had he been so into his career that anything his father said to him would have been met with his own disgruntled stubbornness? Were his father’s suggestions of getting a college degree as a backup planthatunreasonable?
It was the way he said it. Demeaning and demanding.
Was it?
He crossed Route 6 and ran into Seaside, slowing to a jog as he passed Bella’s cottage and walking after he passed Jenna’s. He listened for the girls’ voices and heard Amy’s laughter above the others. His lips curved up. What would his father have really thought of his relationship with Amy? He’d loved Amy like a daughter. He’d loved them all like they were his children.
As Tony passed the pool and Amy’s cottage came into view, he realized the enormity of how he’d twisted his thoughts over the years. How just eight short weeks had warped his view of the man his father had been. And he wondered how much of that convoluted view had impacted Amy’s desire to keep their relationship a secret that summer. Even if his father had known about them, it wouldn’t have changed the outcome of her pregnancy—but it might have changed her decision to send Tony away, despite her concerns about her own father.
Chapter Eighteen
THE DRIVE TO Rhode Island was solemn. Every time Amy stole a glance at Tony, his jaw was working itself over and his brows were knitted together, as if he were deep in thought. She’d tried to make small talk with a comment about the weather and asked about his morning run, but his one-word answers only solidified her thoughts. He needed mental space for what they were about to do, which left Amy with way too much time to mull over her own predicaments.
She was finally in the position she’d always dreamed of. She and Tony were a couple, and a happy one. She’d built a successful career and managed to remain sane while being so crazy in love with him over the years that she’d doodledAmy Blacklike a schoolgirl, complete with little hearts. There were other versions, too.Amy Maples Black, Mrs. Tony Black, Tony Black’s wife. If she didn’t know herself, she’d think she had stalker tendencies. But she did know herself, and she simply loved him. Every bit of him, quirks and all. And Tonydidhave quirks.
He pushed himself harder than any man she’d ever met. He held himself to standards that seemed impossible to achieve, and yet he always seemed to make them look easy. He put her on a pedestal that she definitely did not deserve. That was a super-big quirk in her book. But she knew she couldn’t change the way he viewed her any more than he could convince her that he wasn’t the best and only man for her.
She gazed out the window as they turned off the highway and drove into town. She’d been to Tony’s hometown and to his parents’ home a few times when they were younger. Their parents had gotten together around the holidays, but around the time that Amy was nine or ten, they’d stopped making the trips. She never knew why and had never thought to ask. Now it no longer mattered.
Tony stopped at a red light and squeezed Amy’s hand.
“I’m glad you suggested this, and I’m glad you came with me.” The tension in his jaw eased, but his eyes were still shadowed with worry.
“Thanks. I hope it helps.” She took a deep breath, thinking of the decisions she still had to make, about her job and surfing with Tony. Could she do that? She hadn’t even thought of getting back on a surfboard since that horrible afternoon.
When the light changed, Tony turned his attention back to the road. His teeth clenched again, but his hand remained linked to Amy’s. He’d worn a gray O’Neill T-shirt and a pair of khaki hybrid shorts, shorts made to be worn in the water as a bathing suit or on land as regular shorts. His hair was a bit unruly, which Amy loved because it suited her man so well.My man. She loved thinking about him in those terms. He was not what she’d calltame. Sometimes it surprised her that she’d been so attracted to him. Not because he wasn’t more delicious than a triple-scoop ice-cream sundae, but because she was reserved and a little conservative and careful. She was plain vanilla and he was honey-jalapeno kitty-kitty bang-bang. And somehow they blended together with the perfect combination of sweet and spicy.
Sweet Heat. Leanna’s new flavor.Maybe it was kismet that Leanna came up with the new flavor at the same time that she and Tony reunited. Or maybe Amy was just distracting herself from thinking about the job she’d accepted, surfing again with Tony, and visiting his father’s grave.
TONY PARKED IN the lot nearest his father’s grave and cut the engine. He felt Amy’s eyes on him and was glad she wasn’t one of those pushy women who couldn’t stand silence. She seemed to know when he needed to be left alone to process his own thoughts and when to reach out. She was in tune with him in so many ways, like knowing he needed to do this when he hadn’t even realized it himself.
He squeezed her hand, then silently stepped from the car and opened her door. He crouched beside her and took her hand.
“I want you to know that I can’t think of another person I could do this with, or who I would want to do this with.”
She smiled and touched his cheek. He loved her gentle touch.
“Thank you. There are so many things from our past that feel huge, aren’t there? Like they’ve been looming over us forever?” Her hair fell in front of her eyes, and she tucked it behind her ear. “I’m glad we’re trying to deal with them.”
“Me too. I guess I never realized how present they still were.” He pulled her to her feet and held her close. “All this stuff we’re going through and trying to understand will only make us stronger.”
They walked hand in hand down the narrow concrete path toward his father’s grave. Tony’s hands began to sweat. He wiped them on his shorts and tried to ignore the way his throat constricted. They stopped at the edge of the path near a large oak tree casting a shadow over his father’s headstone.
Tony remembered the day of the funeral. It had rained that morning, and the ground had been wet when they’d gathered around the grave site beneath a blue awning. He’d sat beside his mother, both dressed in black, both trying to present a brave front. Tony hadn’t moved during the service. Not an inch. He’d hardly remembered to breathe, and then they’d lowered his father’s casket into the earth, and he’d felt a piece of himself go down with him. He’d reached for his mother’s hand, to keep himself grounded in reality. He remembered wishing Amy were sitting beside him instead of so far away and feeling conflicted for thinking about her during a time when he should have been focused on the loss of his father.
Amy stroked his arm, pulling him from the painful memories.
He took her hand, and together they crossed the lawn to his father’s headstone. He crouched in front of the rose-colored marble and waited for sorrow to swamp him. He felt Amy’s hand on his shoulder. He reached up and touched her slender fingers and waited some more. He drew in a deep breath, anticipating the weight of sadness or anger. For tears, the inability to breathe, or the urge to scream.
Nothing changed.
Nada.
